My 7 year old is going through a stage I lovingly refer to as “asshole”. We made it through infancy, baby-hood, the Terrible Twos, Terrorist Threes, Holy Fuck Fours, FUCK ME Fives, and Sassy-ass Sixes, and I really thought we were finally in the clear. I mean, not totally, I’m not insane or delusional. I know kids will always have a-hole tendencies, but the SASS. It had to be plateauing! Maybe it would (at least a little) if he didn’t have a younger brother, maybe he wouldn’t. I’ll never know- but this sass has only amplified.
With kids only a little over two years apart, I expected it. My brother and I are only 22 months apart, and we fought like cats and dogs. My mom only got “lucky” to have different genders, which gave us mostly different interests. I didn’t want to play with his toys, and he definitely didn’t want to play with mine (with exceptions, of course). Mine want to play with the same thing all. the. time. and I’m mostly convinced it’s just to annoy one another. I have been able to take comfort, albeit minimal, in the knowledge that one day, when my kids get older, I will get them back. And GOOD. But when? How long would it be? Wedding? High school graduation? First dates?? Would I even make it that far?
Somewhere down the line, I must have done SOMETHING right, because Karma, that slow-ass tease, came and paid my house a visit. In one week, she taught Holden a better lesson than I have in the past (almost) 8 years. I should be mad, because that kid NEVER listens to me when I tell him to stop being a jerk to me, his brother, his toys, anything in his general vicinity- yet Karma walks in, all “I know I haven’t gotten around to anyone or anything else that deserves it, but hey, you earned this shit” and straight up SCHOOLS him. I can’t be, though. It was too glorious a display of karmic parental payback. That is as rare as rainbow pooping unicorns, and must be treated as such- so, here is what happened.
It all started last week when I caught Holden trying to steal the last of my granola bars. Yes, I have special granola bars and they are MINE, DAMNIT! When I told him in no uncertain terms that he could NOT have it, he laughed and said “that’s okay, I’ve been hiding one in my room anyway!” At that point, he turned to ran off to get it and smacked his face straight into the fucking wall. BAM! After he moaned and groaned for a solid minute, he muttered “instant karma” and did the walk of shame out of the kitchen. It was the most glorious thing I have ever witnessed! Not only did Karma bite him in the ass (or face, if you wanna be specific), but he ADMITTED that she did. BOOM, SUCKA! THAT’S WHAT YOU GET! Nothing could top that. Or, at least, I thought so at the time…
You see, Holden’s assholishness isn’t just directed at me and inanimate objects. It’s directed at his little brother, who emulates his older brother, so then I have two stinky assholes stomping around the house at all times. Fighting, whining, crying. “He took my…” this, and “he won’t let me…” that. OMFG JUST STAHP! I tell Holden- if you don’t want him bugging you all the time, maybe you should think about how YOU act, and set a good example. Then maybe he won’t be that way. Does he listen to me? HAHAHA, no. Brat. He refused to believe me. It absolutely could not have ANYTHING to do with him. Tattle-tales tattling over being tattled on for tattling. That is my life. And then, it happened again.
After I worked out one morning, I hopped in the shower to rinse off, and the whole time I could hear this loud commotion going on outside the door. Once I got out, I asked what the holy hell was going on, and the Little comes crying into the bathroom with his shirt stuck halfway over his head and his arm flailing wildly, freaking out about being stuck and how the Eldest won’t help him, so of COURSE, I yell to the Eldest that he best get his ass over here and help his little brother. Trust me, he didn’t wanna. He bitched and moaned and finally helped yank the Little loose, and then turns around and WHAM stubs his toe on the wall and goes crashing to the floor like a load of bricks, and the Little, standing there in his underwear, points, laughs, and yells “INSTANT KARMA!” and walks away. I may have shed a tear from proud-ness. Though, I know Parker needs some of his very own Instant Karma moments.
At least now, I know it isn’t impossible. HANG TIGHT, PARENTS! It can happen to you, too! Moments of clarity are few and far between (remember that rainbow pooping unicorn I mentioned? Yeah. Him again)- but they CAN happen! I don’t know if that’s enough to get you through… you might need to take up day drinking. KIDDING! …. sorta….
Just did this yesterday and it was everything 9 year old me could have dreamed of pic.twitter.com/imYQlUmSVn
LIVE on Twitch tonight -- come say hi! twitch.tv/holdinholden
As I embark on an 11 day trip with my kids, this is especially fitting. VACATIONS WITH KIDS ARE MANUAL LABOR! holdinholden.com/2016/03/vaca…
Are you, though?? 😂😂 pic.twitter.com/Rm5L9PBuiL
When I file for divorce and people ask why I'm gonna say "I told him I felt bloated & wanted donuts and he replied 'that's not gonna help'"
Me usually: Lunch time, kids! So much to choose from! Me before a trip: You're gettin' a bread sandwich because I'm not going shopping again
How to Convince Your Fam to Watch ANYTHING you want on Netflix! goo.gl/fb/H6iZrR
We're just... uh.... wrestling.... 😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/dpAIyM88c8
When you think your kid is done telling a story and you're finally free but they immediately start telling another pic.twitter.com/zM5gtwNCnj