As I sat trapped in my living room with my kids this afternoon due to a heat advisory and all the local weather folk basically saying “STAY THE HELL IN YOUR HOUSE UNLESS YOU WANT TO EXPERIENCE HEAT STROKE!”, I thought to myself- man, I sure do love the summer time, but it’s a total asshole.
I’m from the south, so I think it’s kind of a requirement to at LEAST tolerate the weather feeling like an armpit for most days from June to September, but summer has always been my favorite. Maybe it’s all the summer breaks from school – which I hated- that really implanted the summer lovin’ in my brain at an early age. Maybe it’s my absolute HATRED of the cold… but I love summer! I love it! I can also accept that summer is a total jerk. Summer is my frienemy. I love it, but it treats me like shit more often than it reciprocates my love.
Summer is like the friend who is nice to your face, but talks shit about you in the bathroom. Summer is the super awesome waitress who spits in your food just because she can. Summer is basically Regina George. And I can prove it. Here’s my list of backhanded bullshit my beloved summer BFF puts us through.
1. YAY SUMMER! Pools! Beaches! Waterparks! More like bodies. So many bodies. The realization that human bodies are not beautiful. Nope. Some things can’t be unseen.
2. Tank tops and shorts! Dresses and flip flops! Be gone, warm coats! Instead… bring on the boob and ball sweat of epic proportions. I’ll never forget the day my mom pulled over one summer to chat with a neighbor doing yard work and it looked like he’d straight pissed his pants. That was when I learned that balls can produce more water than Niagara Falls. Ew.
3. The wonderful sounds of summer. So soothing! Chirping and wildlife… and mosquitos, bees, angry for no fucking reason wasps, CICADAS OMFG. Nature sucks. Go hibernate you evil mofos!
4. I’m just gonna go out to “soak up some wonderful sun”, aaaaaaand come back looking like the sideshow lobster lady
5. Finally get to go swimming. Have to wear a bathing suit.
6. Make elaborate plans for a day in the sun. Be it the beach, a long walk in the park, a day at the amusement park. You’ve got everything packed and ready to go and then BAM. THUNDERSTORM OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE. Day ruined. Son of a…
7. You walk out your front door, stretch out your arms and let the sun hit your face, but when you open your eyes…. oh… my… no. I really never really needed to know that the old lady down the street has a camel toe the size of a folded mattress, or that old man Williker has a moose knuckle the local hunt club has been tracking for two seasons. And the back hair on the dude mowing his lawn with his shirt off. Oh my sweet baby cheezus, the back hair.
8. Can finally show my legs! Have to shave them first.
9. Long summer drives down winding roads with the windows down and the radio up. Hot as hell steering wheels. Didn’t need that top layer of skin anyway.
10. For the parents- you long for the summer days where you can just toss the kids in the back yard, and then the damn heat advisory comes on and it’s all “no, that would be cruel”, so you’re stuck with their whiny asses inside. Yay.
Think it’s legal to press charges against a season for serious emotional and physical harm?
Frying pans. Who knew, right? pic.twitter.com/usSQcFGpmI
Just did this yesterday and it was everything 9 year old me could have dreamed of pic.twitter.com/imYQlUmSVn
LIVE on Twitch tonight -- come say hi! twitch.tv/holdinholden
As I embark on an 11 day trip with my kids, this is especially fitting. VACATIONS WITH KIDS ARE MANUAL LABOR! holdinholden.com/2016/03/vaca…
Are you, though?? 😂😂 pic.twitter.com/Rm5L9PBuiL
When I file for divorce and people ask why I'm gonna say "I told him I felt bloated & wanted donuts and he replied 'that's not gonna help'"
Me usually: Lunch time, kids! So much to choose from! Me before a trip: You're gettin' a bread sandwich because I'm not going shopping again
How to Convince Your Fam to Watch ANYTHING you want on Netflix! goo.gl/fb/H6iZrR
We're just... uh.... wrestling.... 😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/dpAIyM88c8