Parenthood doesn’t just change you, it changes how you see the whole world around you. I don’t mean that you suddenly love everyone because you’re just SO HAPPY to have a precious little crotchfruit, but things just aren’t the same. Life changes, routine changes, even your brain changes. The “I would never!”s turn to “Oh well”s, and you quickly realize that parenthood isn’t just changing diapers and rocking babies to sleep. Parenthood is… well, it becomes this giant, hulking bunion on your life. Only, you create an emotional attachment to this bunion and don’t want to get it surgically removed. Even though sometimes you might want to.
With all of these changes, we somehow manage to find a way. Even if the way is slightly shameful. Even if we’re just lying to ourselves because we’re so fucking sleep deprived that it’s the only thing we can do to not run into the hills and never look back.
Here are five TRUTHS of life with kids that I never could have imagined before having them, but have become the cornerstones of my life as a parent. And probably yours, too. Don’t be ashamed, fellow parents! Own this shit! At least you know you aren’t alone!
1. Just finished grocery shopping? Time for take-out!
The last thing I ever want to do after dragging two kids whining about how their legs don’t work around the grocery store is COOK.
2. BECAUSE I SAID SO!
I used to explain myself to the kids during their first few years. Why they should or shouldn’t do something, the reasoning behind it, but that is exhausting. It’s not like they really listen anyway. Those 4 words are my BFFs, and I use them more than a stripper uses clear stilettos.
Is a perfectly acceptable answer when you don’t feel like explaining how something works. DAMNIT JIM, I’M A MOM, NOT A SCIENTIST!
4. Yes, the TV IS a qualified babysitter!
Look, sometimes I just wanna take a shit in peace. Screw all those shitty studies and Judgy McJudgersons that will claim you’re a crap-ass parent because you let the boob tube do some of the heavy lifting. You got to restock the lake with brown trout WITHOUT fingers wiggling under the bathroom door and/or being bothered for a snack!
5. Ketchup is a vegetable!
…and Pop-Tarts are a fruit! Kidding. They get their own special food group and are a childhood diet staple. I file them under “fuck cooking!”
Do what ya gotta do, and have no shame! The kids will turn out just fine. Not so sure about us, though…
I've never had a near death experience, but I DID find 2 spiders in my house this morning, and that's pretty much the same thing.
If you like to be constantly criticized over your peanut butter to jelly ratio on sandwiches, being a parent is definitely for you.
It's called "Mom Tax" and it applies to ALL SWEETS OBTAINED BY CHILDREN pic.twitter.com/VExGwIOdBn
Live now on Twitch! Come hang out! twitch.tv/holdinholden
How I Unwind the Kids During Summertime goo.gl/fb/bqcdoV
Kid: When do I get the tablet back? Me: Thursday aftern--- Kid: *Yelling* I'LL NEVER GET IT BACK! Me: Okay, I guess never, then. #kidlogic
Being an adult is stupid. pic.twitter.com/ghkAP7UbIt
Me watching #AmericanNinjaWarrior: HAHA weak ass grip strength! Also me: Can't open a pickle jar.