As I sit here and stare at my poor, sad, chipped up, funky lookin’ toenails, I can’t help but to think of all the things I used to do with ease, without even thinking, that have now become luxuries since having kids.
No, nail painting isn’t exactly rocket science, but it does require a level of focus and concentration I am not often privy to. Having to get up mid-toe to break up a fight/yank a kid off of the top of the damn refrigerator/wipe a butt doesn’t exactly make for a good pedicure. The amount of times I’ve walked around with half a painted toenail, chipped polish, or animal hair trapped in my top coat…. I lost count. It’s not just the painted toes that I miss, though. it’s the TIME to actually paint the toes. There’s never enough time to get everything done, and the first things we let slip on by are the things that we don’t NEED to be doing.
Damn kids and their need to eat every day. Who do they think they are??
1. Let’s just get the most obvious out of the way to begin with. No list is complete without lamenting the loss of
PEEING ALONE. At this point, I’m not sure I can pee WITHOUT an audience. My bladder has gotten used to the encouragement.
2. Sleeping through the night. It’s so lovely that my kids do now (MOST of the time, you can’t even count on that), because I sure as shit don’t! Everyone swore it would get better once my kids weren’t up every few hours- “oh, you’ll get a full night’s rest and you’ll feel like a new person!” LIES. They sleep soundly, and now I’M up every few hours. Vy the time I DO fall asleep, they are awake, in my bed, and stealing my covers. They officially ruined my biological clock. Assholes.
3. A nice, hot meal. YEAH FUCKING RIGHT. By the time I’m done plating, slicing shit up that my kids can’t seem to do on their own (yet they can successfully work the damn DVR), pouring drinks, yelling at the kids to get to the damn table, yelling at the kids to get their shit OFF of the table, and then FINALLY sitting down, my meal is colder than a witch’s tit.
4. Peace and quiet. Honestly, I wouldn’t know it if I heard it…. or didn’t hear it…. I DON’T KNOW!!! WHY ARE YOU HARASSING ME???
5. Long showers. Or really any thorough bathing. Sure, the longer I spend in the shower, the longer I’m away from my kids- but it also gives them more time to destroy the house, come take a dump while I’m bathing and making the whole bathroom smell like poo and then making ME think I smell like poo for the next 24 hours, run away, paint the walls with shit, or any other number of things they could potentially get used to. I spent my entire shower rushing. I have one permanent patch of sasquatch-like hair on my leg that I keep missing due to the inability to be thorough. Considering braiding it and naming it Penelope.
6. Being on time, to like…. anything. Ever. I used to be the first person at every event. Lame? I don’t know, maybe. I was always taught that “If you’re early, you’re on time, if you’re on time, you’re late, and if you’re late, don’t even bother showing up.” so that caused me to be obnoxiously punctual. Now? Oh, you want me there at 3pm? Hold on while I HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! No, but seriously, I’ll try!
7. Painting your nails, brushing your hair, putting on makeup,
wiping your ass, reading books, leisurely daytime naps– Preeeeeeetty much anything you took for granted before has become part of your fantasies now.
8. I could sit here all day and night listing more things that have become luxuries, but there’s something keeping me from doing so, and it’s the biggest luxury of ALL- SPARE TIME! So, if you’ll excuse me, I have crotchfruit to tend to.
What has become a luxury since YOU became a parent? Share in the comments!
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