It’s 10pm. My husband and I are sitting on the couch. Maybe we’re watching TV, maybe a movie, or even just surfing the internet- but by that time, we have FINALLY unwound from the day. The children are safely tucked in bed and fast asleep. A sense of calm washes over the house, and then, like clockwork-
Cue the deep sigh. We know exactly what the thump is.
It wasn’t our pets, they are soundly asleep next to us. It wasn’t any kind of paranormal activity shit, and no intruder had broken in. Well, no intruder from the OUTSIDE world anyway. Definitely an intruder, though. An intruder of quiet unwinding time. An intruder that MUST be stopped.
“GO TO SLEEP”- my husband calls up the stairs, just like he does every. single. night.
And then we hear it. A very familiar, and very irritating sound. Only, it’s not a sound. It’s a voice. The voice of a miniature human. A miniature human that we happen to know very, very well.
“But… but… but…!” and then comes the list of excuses from NOT asleep, NOT in his bed Parker, about why he can’t/won’t sleep. His list is a mile long and we’ve heard it all before because he pulls this shit every. single. night.
Every. Single. Night, we tell him the same thing, just like other parents with kids that seem to think that sleeping is overrated-
NEWS FLASH, CHILDREN! YOU AREN’T MISSING ANYTHING! If you go to sleep, you will NOT be left out of whatever fun you think we’re having. We’re not. Have you EVER gotten out of bed to find that a party is going on without you that you didn’t know about? Or found that we were gone, that we left you all alone with no parental supervision so we could go out and do fun things without you? Have you EVER walked downstairs to see that our skin was merely a costume and that we are lizard people and that you are an alien? No. NOTHING IS HAPPENING.
You are not missing out on the “fun”
We aren’t partying.
We aren’t going Trick or Treating, or hunting Easter Eggs.
We aren’t opening Christmas presents, or wrapping birthday gifts.
We aren’t playing with your toys, or watching your favorite cartoons.
There are no food fights, roller coasters, secret vacations, or sorcery that happen ONLY after you go to bed.
You cannot catch is doing whatever the hell it is you think that we do once you’re in bed because the real truth is that we aren’t doing ANYTHING.
We are UNWINDING. Do you know what that means? Obviously not. It means that we are sitting on our asses and watching shit that would bore you to death, because we are old, and we enjoy this shit. It is of no concern to you. GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP. DO NOT MAKE ME CALL SAMUEL L.
Sleep as much as you can, because one day, you will have a little kid who refuses to fucking sleep and you’ll look back on this time and think “Damn. My parents were right. Sleep is awesome. I wish I’d gotten more of it while I could!”
It is also important to remember that the day WILL come when you WANT to sleep- probably in your teenage years, and payback is a bitch.
You wouldn't sniff a stranger's butt to see who pooped their pants.... so you probably shouldn't do these other parental things to strangers, either. holdinholden.com/2017/12/weir…
Weird Things you do for your kids but not Strangers goo.gl/fb/oVuwvG
Tis the season! pic.twitter.com/5VgMLnt22E
I am weak pic.twitter.com/LYdRQ6EZcC
You know that feeling when you don't chew a chip all the way and it cuts you all the way down and you swear it's gonna kill you, but you go ahead have another right after? That's what it's like when you decide to have another kid.