Distraction comes easily in this day and age. What with televisions, radio, cell phones, tablets, mini-tablets, handheld gaming consoles, Facebook mobile, hangnails… It’s a wonder anyone even looks UP anymore.
During all this time looking down, we’re missing out on what’s going on at eye level- and there is a LOT. Especially for us parents. Life goes by in an instant, and there are so many instances we ALL wish we could go back and look up for. Even if we NEED the break we get by looking down. Even if we absolutely DESERVE to be distracted for once. We’re missing out- and that is not good.
Our kids NEED us to look up, past the bright shiny looping GIFs and Vines. Beyond the Facebook auto-play bullshit. To pull ourselves from the depth of a Youtube spiral of shame. Look up and LOOK AT YOUR SPAWN. YOUR BEAUTIFUL, INQUISITIVE, EVIL LITTLE SPAWN! DO IT NOW OR REGRET IT LATER (or very very soon)!
Let’s cut to the point, here. I’m not telling you to do this because you’re going to be missing some kind of HUGE life-altering revelation that your child has. If it’s THAT important, they will say it on repeat until you’re begging them to STFU already. Or because it makes them feel better about themselves to have your helicoptering mothership hover over them at every waking moment of every single day, or any of that dumb shit- I’m telling you to PAY ATTENTION because if you don’t, bad things happen.
Today, while I was staring off into my computer screen, my kid had a full-on conversation with me. He NEVER SHUTS UP. I have to tune him out sometimes or I’ll tear out my hair. Sure, he can say some stuff that needs to be answered, but for the most part he’s going on and on about something he made up in that weird little brain of his that will melt my brain like an hour of Spongebob. I NEED my brain! YES, I pull the SMILE AND NOD. I’m not ashamed!
Unfortunately, today probably wasn’t Spongebob brain-melting day, because while I was just nodding along to what I thought was just gibberish and nonsense, he asked me to put up one or two fingers. I said “one” and he was all “NO YOU HAVE TO USE YOUR FINGERS!” and so I put up my pointer finger and he gets all wide-eyed and excited and you KNOW that can only mean bad things, and that’s when he yelled triumphantly “So I CAN be done with lunch!” and I looked at his plate and the kid had been talking so fucking much he hadn’t even taken a single damn bite of his food. WHAT THE HELL, KID? NOT COOL!
Upon realizing my egregious error, I put up two fingers, and watched him deflate like a sad, lost birthday balloon.
Sorry, kid. You’re not going to skip your lunch and then bitch at me in an hour about how HUNGRY you are. I KNOW THIS GAME! I MASTERED IT (insert number of years here to make me sound wise but not old) YEARS AGO!
In the past, I have okayed shoving a banana peel down the bathroom sink, riding down the stairs in pillowcases, eating candy at 9 in the morning, trips to get ice cream, and a plethora of other shit that I’m sure has happened that I don’t even know about. Why? Because I DIDN’T LOOK UP!
I beg of you, fellow parents- look away from Susan’s most recent rant about the mailman coming at different times every day, or Melissa’s 47th duck-faced selfie. They can wait. Your kid is shaving the dog and decorating the bathroom mirror with crusty boogers. You might wanna LOOK UP and deal with that!
I've never had a near death experience, but I DID find 2 spiders in my house this morning, and that's pretty much the same thing.
If you like to be constantly criticized over your peanut butter to jelly ratio on sandwiches, being a parent is definitely for you.
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Live now on Twitch! Come hang out! twitch.tv/holdinholden
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