I have lost my “B.” Yes, you heard right, my “B,” as in Type B personality. You are probably wondering, “what the hell is she talking about?!” Well, let me back up a minute and give you some background.
I am a 37-year-old stay-at-home mom of two children (whom I ADORE), and I have NO idea what I want to be when I grow up. There, it’s finally out there, I said it out loud! My kids are getting to the age where they will both be in school full time, and I find myself getting more and more anxious as the days go by.
Six years ago, I felt like I had all the time in the world to figure out what I wanted to do with my life, and now I feel like a ticking time bomb. You want to know my least favorite question? “So, what are you plans once the kids are in school?” Ok. I get it. It’s perfectly acceptable to be a stay-at-home mom…until they go to school. Well, Shit…now I feel like I’m up the creek without a paddle. And if I thought I was stressed and overwhelmed before…my Type A just went to an A+++.
Now let me be clear (this is the part where I feel I need to defend myself as an intelligent being that knows how to earn a dollar), it’s not to say that I haven’t had my turn in the work force. On the contrary, I was working up until I gave birth to my first child six years ago.
I guess you could say I am a hands-on learner, and over the years I have worked very hard discovering what I do NOT want to do. That should count for something, right? Publishing, nope. Entertainment, nope. Publicist, nope. Non-Profit, nope. Human Resources, nope. Retail, nope. I even tried the entrepreneur route, and unfortunately, that didn’t pan out either. I am at a loss and I feel like I am on the verge of expiring.
I also want to express that being a mom has always been at the top of my list. When people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I usually said “I have no idea.” However, the one thing that I ALWAYS knew I wanted was to be was a mom. So why is it when you finally have a dream fulfilled, it’s not quite as “fulfilling” as you imagined? Because this was the one thing I was passionate about, I thought motherhood would come so naturally, be piece of cake. How utterly naive of me. Well, NEWSFLASH (as any parent will agree), that most certainly is NOT the case.
I have two of the sweetest children, yet somehow, my patience is not at all what I thought it would be. I often find myself frustrated at silly little things. There are many times when I have found myself thinking, “Crap, I just gave my kids excellent material for their therapist when they get older.” Or times when I have been driving in the car and thought, “I wonder what would happen if I just kept on driving and never went back home.”
I know, I know…I am human, and we all hit our limits and get burnt out of our jobs. But it makes me sad that I have even referred to taking care of my children as a “job.” They are not my job, they are living beings that are looking to me for guidance and care. They are the loves of my life and I adore them. However, some days, when the whining, fighting, and stubborn attitudes are in full force, they are my “boss”, and I am their disgruntled employee.
So, you might still be wondering what this has to do with losing my “B”, but I’m getting there, I promise.
This is my revelation. My friends have joked over the years that becoming a mother has brought out the Type A in me. Well, they are right. I recognize that being Type A isn’t such a horrible thing, as it means I am better prepared, more responsible and better organized. However, it completely STRESSES me out. I am finding that over the past 6 years, I am more stressed than ever and I can no longer pride myself on being the patient, laid back person I thought I once was.
Making sure the kids have everything they need when they need it, trying like hell to keep them on a structured schedule and constantly taking deep breaths to keep from exploding when they have hit my last nerve, has me wound so tight that some days I hardly recognize myself. Whew!
I realize that I have spent my children’s entire existence trying to mold my life around their worlds. Maybe this whole time I should have been fitting their worlds into my life? Or perhaps there just needs to be a happy medium? Of course the needs of an infant are incredibly demanding, but that doesn’t mean life needs to come to a screeching halt, does it?
I look at my sister, whose daughter is now one, and I have discovered that is exactly what I let my life do. While my sister certainly makes her little girl a priority, I admire how she has not allowed her previous life (or personality) to disappear because of her baby. My children are my world, literally. I love them to pieces, but I am realizing that I don’t know who I am without them.
So, it’s time I ripped off the Type A band-aid and reintroduced myself to…well, myself again. It’s time I got my “B” back. I decided to make my journey into a blog to ensure that I will actually stick to the plan. And believe me, the irony of having a plan (very Type A) for rediscovering my “B” is not lost on me. What exactly is the plan you ask? I have decided to challenge myself to do one thing every month for a year that forces me to rediscover my “B.” My hope is to rediscover who I am personally and professionally outside of being a mommy. And if I succeed, my journey will (hopefully) be a gift to my family as well.
I do have a few ideas brewing, but I welcome any suggestions you want to throw my way!
For those of you who might want a crash course on what it means to be either Type A or Type B….here is how I would describe it (and please know that absolutely no professional resources were consulted before-hand, just 100% of my biased opinion.)
Type A : impatient, organized, anxious, pro-active, reliable, highly organized, workaholic, always on time, perfectionists, planners.
Type B: Relaxed, less competitive, not as motivated, patient, careless, less stressed, procrastinators, express feelings well, not as organized, go with the flow.
Obviously both sides have their pros and cons and I believe we all exhibit a degree of both, however, since becoming a mother I feel I packed up and moved to “A Town” without looking back and now I am officially “B” bound. ” B Town”, get ready…I’m coming home!
This article was written by Kasey of The B Mommy Blog. Click the link and follow her journey back to B!
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