Sometimes I think if I don’t make logs of the insane, weird, and hilarious shit my kids say, when they grow up and become “too cool” to laugh with mom, I will have proof. PROOF!!
Once upon a time, you said this shit. Don’t deny it. I have many more where this came from!
Love, kisses, and eternal time-outs,
(here is a collection of the best of the best of the words that fall out of my kids’ mouths over the past few months. Enjoy!)
Holden: *hops in car after school* I got a big bag of candy for Valentine’s!
Me: Got any Reese’s?
Parker: *whisper-yelling* Don’t tell her! She’ll just eat them!
Damnit! They know me too well!
I told the kids they aren’t allowed to fight for the rest of the day and Holden was like “okay, I guess I just won’t talk. That’s the only way to prevent fighting. ”
I mean… at least he’s honest with himself.
*Parker and Husband are play fighting*
Husband: I’m gonna punch you right in the buns!
Parker: Well I’m gonna punch you in the PENIS!!!!!!!
Husband: *runs away*
Parker: 1, Husband: 0
Me: *playing game on tablet*
Parker: *walks up behind me*
Me: *sniffs* Dude, did you fart??
Parker: *smiles evilly* Nooooo…
Me: Man, get outta here! You stink!
Parker: *slowly backs out of room*
Parker: *whispers* I’ll be watching you
Shit like this is why I sleep with one eye open.
The awkward moment when your precious child runs up to you all excited, insisting you try this new delicious (imaginary) food, and to make them happy, you do, and you make a big deal out of how yummy it is… aaaaand then they laugh hysterically because you just ate shit.
Why did I have kids again?
I feel the need to apologize to anyone recording their first grader singing at the 1st and 2nd grade concerts who captured the Little loudly announcing “I JUST FARTED ON YOU! ” to the Husband in the middle of one of their songs. My bad.
Parker announced that he wanted a salad for lunch today. Who am I to say no to such a healthy request?
I gave myself a good ol’ congratulatory pat on the back, and go to whip it up for him. Just as I’m finishing, he comes skipping in and is all “Hey Mommy! Wanna know why I asked you for a salad? So I wouldn’t miss the end of my show!”
What the?? Salads take longer to make than sandwiches! Sneaky little …You win this round, sir.
Parker: 1, Mommy: 0
Random things that make me happy: Parker can’t pronounce “funk” correctly, so any time he sings Uptown Funk, it sounds like he’s dropping F bombs.
In related news, from now on, any time I want to threaten someone with bodily harm, I will tell them “I’m gonna Uptown Fuck you up!”
Me: *breaks apart a piece of chocolate to share with the Little* Ohh, it smells good!
Parker: *smells his piece* Mmm!
Me: The Snozberries taste like snozberries!
Parker: *clearly not amused* What the HELL is a snozberry?
He’d be in trouble if I wasn’t laughing so damn hard!
“No! You STAY in there! Don’t you come out!”- Parker, to his fart during breakfast.
While I admire his dedication to being polite at the kitchen table, if you’re having to verbally command your fart to stay in your ass, you’ve pretty much already lost the battle.
Holden decided to be a sour puss about being asked to pick up some sticks in the back yard. Pouting, he said “if I were a stick, I’d be one in the mud!”
Can’t argue with that!
Parker: *loud honking fart* When I fart one time, it means I’m hungry, but when I fart TWO times, it means I’m not.
Have kids, they said. It will be fun, they said!
The awkward moment you’re helping your kid do preschool workbooks and they say “I don’t know if I can do the little d!” and you try not to laugh because your twisted adult brain can’t hear anything the right way anymore, but it’s hard. It’s so hard!
Me: *playing game on tablet*
Holden: *hovering* I think that’s your last life
Me: Your FACE is your last life!
Whole table: BUUURRRRRRRRRN!
Holden: That doesn’t even make sense.
Me: Your FACE doesn’t make sense!
Whole table: Buurrrrrrnnnnn!
Parker: *whispers* Mommy! This is where you say “Do you want some water for that burn?”
It finally happened. The Little is cooler than me.
Me: *playing game*
Holden: that’s a good score!
Me: Nah, that’s a crappy score.
Holden: *slaps hands over ass* I have to go crappy! *runs off to bathroom*
Husband: what just happened?
Me: *shakes head*
And that’s how a typical night around here goes. No wonder I’m crazy.
Parker: Mommy, what do you think the meaning of life is?
Me: I don’t think there’s an easy answer for that.
Parker: …. I think it’s throwing potatoes.
I've never had a near death experience, but I DID find 2 spiders in my house this morning, and that's pretty much the same thing.
If you like to be constantly criticized over your peanut butter to jelly ratio on sandwiches, being a parent is definitely for you.
It's called "Mom Tax" and it applies to ALL SWEETS OBTAINED BY CHILDREN pic.twitter.com/VExGwIOdBn
Live now on Twitch! Come hang out! twitch.tv/holdinholden
How I Unwind the Kids During Summertime goo.gl/fb/bqcdoV
Kid: When do I get the tablet back? Me: Thursday aftern--- Kid: *Yelling* I'LL NEVER GET IT BACK! Me: Okay, I guess never, then. #kidlogic
Being an adult is stupid. pic.twitter.com/ghkAP7UbIt
Me watching #AmericanNinjaWarrior: HAHA weak ass grip strength! Also me: Can't open a pickle jar.