Ahhhh, the first week back to school after the infamous Daylight Saving Time. After “Fall Back” it’s kind of fun because you get the illusion that you’re gaining an hour. Whether it be a drinking hour or sleeping hour is up to each individual, but it’s typically celebrated. And then you get to Spring Forward. Say it out loud, SPRING FORWARD. Does it sound like a happy thing to say? Because I certainly can’t say it without a hint of disgust.
Now that I have children, it’s not only disgust, but I see Spring Forward for what it TRULY is. No, not a way to save electricity, or one more hour of light for farmers (seriously? is that even a real thing anymore? No. Don’t answer that. I don’t really care). It’s pure unadulterated TORTURE.
I may hate the winter, but at least when I have to wake up, the sun is shining and the world makes sense. My children are NOT morning people, and they generally make it hell for me by moaning and groaning and refusing to get up, but I have my not-so secret weapon. I rip open the damn curtains and the sun, THE GLORIOUS SUN blinds them into a partially awakened state, which is just enough to get the day started and everyone where they need to be when they need to be there. I may hate the shorter days and the fact that it gets dark at four-fucking-pm, but on the days when the kids are being Class-A Turd Jockeys, I can yet again rip open that curtain and say “LOOK! IT’S BED TIME!” and put their asses to sleep early. It is glorious!
Then comes Spring Forward, with her stupid cheerful bullshit, and basket full of pollen, and ruins everything.
I may love the warmer weather and not having to wear pants, but having to crawl out of bed and flick on the lights in order not to be completely disoriented because it’s STILL DARK OUTSIDE doesn’t make any sense. The kids that already moan and groan about having to wake up early now moan and groan even more because not only is it early, it still looks like night time. I can’t shock them awake with the sun because the sun is nowhere to be found. I may love the bright and shiny sun instead of the dreary bleak gray-ness of winter, but when the kids are being Class-A Turd Jockeys and all I want to do is put them to bed early because I’m about to go all Mommy Dearest on their asses, the sun is STILL SHINING. It’s still DAY TIME. IT’S 9PM! THIS IS NOT DAY TIME, SPRING FORWARD! YOU ARE A TWATWAD! No amount of layering of black out curtains can help. My kids aren’t little enough to fall for that shit anymore. Nope. If the sun is up, they are up, and all that time I was going to spend unwinding from the day of hell has been snatched from me because of an archaic tradition that nobody even likes!
On this particular Monday, I spent the whole thing sore, and achy, coming down with a cold, and unable to think of ANYTHING to write about. Everything just felt…. off. BECAUSE OF THE FRAGGIN’ TIME CHANGE! It seriously messes with people, and the people it messes with the most are parents. It ain’t right!
I don’t have anything prolific to say about it, no big “moral of the story” to end on. I’m aware that time changes will likely never be done away with, and my complaining is nothing more than complaining. I just wanted to let fellow Spring Forward haters know, you’re not alone! It’s less useful than a bag of smashed up assholes. The end.
Getting my hair done today! Honestly more excited that my husband has to pick up the kids from school than I am about a fresh 'do
17 Stupidly Impossible Things our Kids Think we can do that we… well… can’t. goo.gl/fb/RrkM47
The fact that this is accurate for my life means it's finally happened: I've become my mother. pic.twitter.com/xrIGOoM5Q9
Vacation season is upon is! This is just your friendly reminder that trips with kids are NOT vacations. holdinholden.com/2016/03/vaca…
If you've ever dreamed of having a smaller, angrier version of yourself that you have to argue with over booger eating, kids are for you.
Repeat for infinity while yelling "I JUST CLEANED THAT" pic.twitter.com/pmfEpm3hJU
I love it when my kid is proud of his new accomplishments. I just wish he wouldn't come into my room at 5am to yell them at me while I sleep
Don't grow up- it's a trap! holdinholden.com/2017/05/10-w…
FYI: When I said "enough with the cold weather! It's MAY! Give us heat!" I didn't mean that I wanted to take a vacation to Satan's anus.