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I Remember When I Didn’t Want You

I remember when I didn’t want you.

I was young, and there wasn’t much about babies or being a mother that I knew, but I was full of ideas. Ideas of what my life would be like, the kind of mother I’d be, and the kind of baby you’d be like.preg

I imagined your eyes, your hair, your smile. I imagined your first word, first step, and first booboo. What your voice would sound like, if you’d be a belly-laugher, I even imagined that you’d want to grow up and play music like I once did.

I remember imagining everything down to the tiniest detail, and when they told me you were a boy, I remember that I didn’t want you.

In all of my life, my hopes, and my dreams, the only thing I had ever imagined was having a baby girl. It was the only thing I was sure of. I would have a girl, and we would be thick as thieves. We’d do girly things, and have that unmatched mother-daughter bond that in unparalleled by anything else.

I remember the feelings I had after that dream was shattered.

I remember being angry. This wasn’t fair. The life I dreamed of had been taken away. Why?

I remember being sad. Why couldn’t I have what I wanted? What did I do to deserve this?

I remember feeling loss. I was no longer happy to be pregnant. I was no longer looking forward to having you.

I remember feeling lost. Lost because I couldn’t control myself. Because I didn’t think I should be feeling this way. Because no matter what I did, I couldn’t be happy. Lost because I shouldn’t have been so upset that you weren’t a girl. Lost that I was, and there was nothing that I could do about it.

I remember going into labor and being scared. Scared I couldn’t do it. Scared I’d still be unhappy once you were born. Scared I couldn’t give you the kind of love you deserved. Scared it might never change.

I remember the first time they put you in my arms, and I remember exactly how I felt: disappointed.

Not disappointed in you, but me, for being so stupid as to think that I couldn’t love you for exactly who you are: my child. My wonderful, beautiful, amazing little child. Disappointed for getting so caught up in the emotion of disappointment that I didn’t get to enjoy the time that you were just mine and I didn’t have to share you.

I remember when I didn’t want you, and I remember being angry, and sad, and lost, but what I remember more than everything else is the moment I knew how wrong I’d been, and how RIGHT you are. I may not have wanted you at first, but it wasn’t YOU that I didn’t want. It was a silly idea in my head of who I thought you should be. I didn’t want you because I didn’t know who you would turn out to be- and who you are is so much more than I ever could have imagined. I knew that from the very first breath you took.

Now, I want YOU to remember- that no matter how I felt, no matter how I acted, you have been wanted since always. You will be wanted forever. And having emotions that make you feel lost, or scared, or angry, or disappointed are all natural. They are all okay. It is how we move past them that matters.

 

If you are, or have ever, experienced gender disappointment, please know that you are NOT alone, and there is nothing wrong with you. It’s not fun, but it is natural, and I promise it WILL pass.
Posted on March 16, 2015 by Holdin' Holden 8 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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  • I didn’t go through this but I can understand somewhat when I found out I was pregnant for the 5th time at 21 years old and only 1 living child I didn’t want to be pregnant I didn’t want her because if I lost her it would just be another heart break that I couldn’t handle and now she is 1 and I still feel ashamed that at one point in time I didn’t want her

  • I don’t remember feeling that way or not with my kids…but I have had that feeling about others in my life. The reality is..it’s important to own how we feel…whether we “should” feel it or not….so we don’t carry the guilt and let the weight of that hold us back from those relationships we are meant to have. My mom was a quadrapalegic . Mostly I was so very proud of all she accomplished in her life. But I sometimes wished for a “normal” family. Ultimately, i embrace who she was and my unique memories make them all the more special to me. I I wouldn’t have wanted her to know how I felt…all ND yet, I think she might have understood. Your boys are special. That for a short time u were sorry they weren’t girls is understandable. ..that you fell in love with them even though they had different plumbing is what’s important. For those who would damn you for what you once felt…should look a little deeper within themselves. Maybe they didn’t feel that way about their children, but my guess is they have a place they are hiding guilt for feeling that way about someone/something. And if they let the guilt bog them down. ..putting u down isn’t going to make them any less so. They need to zip it and skip it if they don’t like the topic. Just my 2 cents 🙂

  • I felt that way during my third pregnancy. I am lucky to have a daughter and now two boys as well, but I wanted another girl so badly during my third pregnancy I was heartbroken when I found out he was a boy. I was very young, only 17 when my daughter was born. We were very poor and her father was very controlling, I wasn’t allowed to treat her like a girl. I couldn’t dress her in pink, headbands and barrettes were forbidden and dresses/cute clothes were unheard of. It was basics until we split around her third birthday. She’s still not really a girly girl other than her hair. So of course I wanted all that I missed…it just wasn’t meant to be. My son is special and I love him with all of my heart, but that twinge of disappointment and longing for another daughter will always be there.

  • I know exactly what you mean, I mourned that I didn’t have a boy growing in me, and I wasn’t excited about our girl but as the time goes forward I love her so much already with every kick I feel closer to her and can’t wait to meet her as she grows the excitement grows, she is due in May

  • I have 3 boys, whom I love with everything I am. That said, I wanted a girl, I wanted it so bad its all I thought about. When I was still pregnant, I would refer to baby inside as a girl and call “her” by the name we had chosen. There was so much sadness and disappointment when the ultrasound came back that my “daughter” was actually my son. I wanted a daughter, but the moment I laid eyes on them, that they were perfect andI was wrong for ever having wanted anything different. Nowmy boys are 15, 11, and 7 and I can’t imagine my loud, rough and tumble house any other way. They have brought me so much joy and taught me so much. They may not have been exactly what I wanted in my imaginary life, but because of them my real life is so much better.

  • Completely understand how you felt, but with a different situation. I only wanted one child; a boy. I had my son when I was 22. 7 years later I am pregnant again & heartbroken. Disappointed in myself for allowing myself to get pregnant. I did not want another child, boy or girl. These emotions passed rather quickly for me, because as soon as I heard her heartbeat for the first time I fell in love. Now I could not imagine my life without my girl.

  • I remember feeling that way for a brief moment, when I found out my third child was another boy. And I remember how ashamed of myself I felt for thinking that way. We’re so hard on ourselves, we humans. Thanks for sharing, Jenny.

  • I literally cried my eyes out on the table in the ultrasound room. I had one boy already and I was so excited to find out if I was finally going to have a girl. It would be great she would have an older brother to protect her against mean boys or pick her up from parties because she didn’t want to get in trouble by mom and dad so she called her big brother. I wanted all that it was my plan , my dream all through my teen years I wanted a boy first then a girl, house with dog and white picket fence. So when they asked “do you want to know the sex?” Of course I said ” yes but I already know it’s a girl but go ahead and look”. The room got eerily quiet no one would look at me you could hear a pin drop. Finally when I couldn’t take it anymore I said” it’s a boy isn’t it?” With a sad smile and nod all my dreams shattered. Goodbye boyfriend Savior and party picker upper. Goodbye white picket fence… Hello endlessly running of soccer and football and dirty mud stained clothes. Hello to years of playing referee and bouncer. Hello to putting on a good face as parades of skanky girls trapse in and out of their lives. I cried for everything I would never have… Now years later I am now team mom the one yelling as I run up and down the game field cheering on not just my son but every kid playing their hearts out. I’m the mom who paints her face and dresses in team colors with my folding chair at every practice and game rain or shine. I’m the mom encouraging her teenage son to ask the girl in his 2 nd class period that he likes to the homecoming dance. I wouldn’t have it any other way! This is my new dream and I couldn’t be happier!