In no way shape or form am I embarrassed to admit that I love the internet. I wouldn’t go as far as to say I am ADDICTED to it, but it’s a necessary tool in my life. For work, for leisure, for news, for time-wasting. What? Time wasting is important! Isn’t watching drama unfold on the internet better than the “good ol’ days” of watching paint dry, or aimlessly staring off into space wishing for the seconds to move by faster?
Much like watching Real Housewives is a guilty pleasure for some people, mine is watching people go at it on the internet. DON’T BE PERVY! I mean with WORDS, not with their genitals! As someone who loves the internet, I see it happen often. Very often. Like, all the damn time, often. Shit, sometimes I click on Facebook posts JUST to see what kind of shit is being thrown in the comments. Is it just solid turds being lobbed across the net, or a messy diarrhea spraying fight where NO ONE wins and everyone ends up smelling like shit? I must know!
As a blogger, I may be privy to more of this poo-slinging than the average internet user. Let’s just call it research. Yep, I’ve done YEARS of research on internet assholes, trolls, jerks, judgy twatbags, and just about every kind of d-bag this side of the cosmos, and one thing has become strikingly clear: most people just aren’t doing it right!
If you want to be a Grade A Internet A-hole, you could at LEAST put some effort into doing it the best. Go big or go home, right??
Look, if I can’t STOP this from happening, I might as well educate, right? Here are some tips on being the best you can be. You’re welcome.
1. First, sit yourself down for a pep talk. You can’t adequately rip into a stranger on the internet without a completely inflated sense of self-worth! YOU are the most precious, unique flower, and you have more to offer the world than ANYONE. Anyone who disagrees is wrong, and it is YOUR job as the best person on the planet to let them know.
2. Even if they didn’t ask. ESPECIALLY if they didn’t ask! Why give advice to people who have asked for it? The best kind of advice is the kind that no one wants!
3. There’s nothing more fun than a troll who spouts off about something almost completely unrelated to the point of the post. If it’s a photo of friends posing with wine glasses, criticize one person’s top! If it’s a post about children’s homework being tough on the kid, go off on the mom for being a terrible parent instead of offering helpful tips on how to power through. The best is when you don’t really know them, because if/when they lash back at you, you can just walk away and giggle for crapping on their day without repercussions!
4. Instead of making a blanket statement like “LOL u suck!”, “you are wrong and stupid and I hate you” or “Your the worst person ever”, maybe even an “Ugly!” – try being more specific about things you know absolutely nothing about. “Your going to die alone with 5,000 cats because of your post saying you aren’t going to cook dinner tonight. you should be ashamed!” It makes you sound totally smart! And don’t worry about spelling or grammar. No one cares about that kind of stuff on the internet.
5. Make shit up. Who doesn’t appreciate fiction? If anyone can just up and edit a Wikipedia article and claim it to be fact, you can claim a picture of someone’s dog is proof that they are, in fact, committing bestiality. Doesn’t even have to be a human in the photo. They hump dogs. Oh! Or maybe they’re Bigfoot! EVERYONE knows that the breed of dog someone has determines the exact kind of person they are, so why can’t a person be Bigfoot? Yep. Definitely Bigfoot.
6. TYPE IN CAPS. IT HELPS
YOUR HAPLESS VICTIMS PEOPLE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE SCREEN HEAR YOU BETTER!
7. Forget the facts. Remember that lady who didn’t cook dinner? Yeah, so what if she said she was ordering her husband’s favorite take-out. She didn’t cook from scratch, so CLEARLY she is Satan’s mistress and she must be flamed for being a failure of a wife! That mom who posted about her kid having trouble with homework? Sure, she was reaching out for support and maybe even a little bit of insight, but you don’t have that. What you DO have are fingers, and a build-up of asshole, so take it out on her. She should just automatically KNOW how to help her kid. Shit, she should just do the homework FOR them, and since she’s just sitting around posting on Facebook instead, she is wrong. Take her down! Don’t forget to make fun of that picture someone posted of their kids drawing because it’s misspelled and their an idiot! Never mind the fact that they’re 4. And it was a long word. And they had no help. Pffffff, dummy!
8. When in doubt, blame. Doesn’t matter what the post is about. Blame someone for the downfall of society/religion/the future/the country/public education/you being totally, completely, and utterly wrong/ THE WORLD. Someone has to take the blame, damnit!
9. Logic and reason? The fuck are those?
10. Post and walk. Because why should you have to defend anything you say online, even if it’s completely wrong?
Wait… you already do all of those things? Well. Then. You suck. Turn off your computer and set it on fire. Immediately. You’ll be doing the entire world a favor!
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