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To my OBGYN- My Kids SUCK, and it’s All YOUR Fault!

**Writer’s note: Before you read, keep in mind that this is HUMOR. I have the utmost respect for the doctors and nurses who helped bring my crotchfruit into this world- who I also love.

 

To my OBGYN-

It’s taken me years, but I’ve finally got it figured out. I actually feel kind of stupid that I didn’t figure it out sooner. I evilobmean, it’s SO obvious!

All this time I’ve been scratching my head and wondering, WHERE did these kids get their attitudes from? Certainly not from me! The fighting and the screaming and the attitude. I’ve done everything I can to try to raise them right; with respect, and manners, and yet still- they are these …. creatures. These evil little creatures. How could I have spawned things that resemble Gremlins after midnight more than humans? WHY are they so mean?

For so many nights, I found myself lying awake in bed after yet another hellacious day of back sass and brattery wondering- how could I have failed THIS hard as a parent? Who are these beings inhabiting my house? Has there been a case of mistaken identity? Invasion of the body snatchers? Spongebob brainwashing? WHERE DID I GO WRONG?!?

I didn’t.

YOU did.

Yes, you read that right- it’s all your fault!

Doc, I know what you’re  thinking- what could you have POSSIBLY done to make me believe that the awful that emanates from my children is a product of you, but trust me. It’s totally your fault. It’s crystal clear to me now!

How could it be? When you did not impregnate me, nor grow my children on your insides? When you didn’t help raise them, and for the most part, never even allowed them into the office because kids are disgusting little germ factories and no one wants a preggo getting sick? How could you have tarnished my little angels when the only time you ever even touched them was when they were propelled from my vagina and a handful more times in their first days of life? How could you have POSSIBLY had ANY kind of influence over them whatsoever?

I’ll tell you!

Do you recall, doc, as I was trying to force a baby out of my birth canal, what you said to me each time? WELL??? DO YOU??? Allow me to refresh your memory:

“PUSH! PUSH LIKE YOU’RE TAKING A POOP!”

So I did. And I gave birth to two little shits. Thanks a lot.

 

Posted on February 19, 2015 by Holdin' Holden 2 Comments
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