This is not me, but this is my life.
I don’t get out much. Wait, let me rephrase that- I get OUT… to go to the grocery store, or to pick the turd up from school, or to run errands, but I don’t get OUT out… if that makes sense.
I haven’t been to a movie theater to see a film not intended for children in I don’t know how long, the last “girl’s night” I had was easy over 2 years ago, and while I appreciate family members sending me and Thomas gift cards for a “date night”- it has been 3 years since we’ve been on one, and in the middle of the last, both Holden and I got food poisoning for the dinner we’d had earlier and we came back to a barf covered hotel room. Did I mention that one happened at DISNEY WORLD? No, wait- we tried to go on another outing without the kids and as we were pulling out of the driveway, our neighbor who was watching them, flagged us down. Holden barfed all over her house. Thomas had to stay home, and I had to go to the event alone.
Yeah…. so, I don’t get OUT much, and I don’t really mind it. Things always seem to go wrong! All things considered, it’s a wonder I EVER leave the comfort of my own home- but even with how rarely I get “out”, people still seem to find me, and when I do, I am reminded that I am NOT who I used to be.
In my spare time (hahahaha what is that?!) I run a little side business, and occasionally, friends who buy something from me will come to pick their order up. No biggie, these ARE friends, after all. I’m okay with them seeing my messy ass house, because even if they don’t have kids, they understand that children are a force of nature. I don’t care if they see me without makeup, because sometimes you just don’t have time to put your face on before someone stops by. I don’t even care if they come over while my kids are being raging a-holes. I warn them so they aren’t surprised, but I don’t really care.
Recently, I had a friend drop by during the HOLY GRAIL of terrible times to drop by. The house was a wreck. I was a wreck. Parker had been crying for who the fuck knows why ALL morning. Holden was home because it was winter break, and we were all losing our ever-loving minds. I’m honestly surprised I didn’t spontaneously combust, and then I heard it- a car door slam outside. Shit, she’s here already! Yes, I’d totally spaced. Get whined at for 60 minutes straight and see what YOU remember to do.
In a split second, I sternly warn the kids to calm their asses down and tell the dogs to chill the fuck out, toss some toys into the toy box, and then swing open the front door with a sarcastic “It’s fun in here today!”
This was someone that I rarely see outside of Facebook, so we had some catching up to do.
How have you been, how are you doing, how was your Christmas, how are the kids- oh, I heard you’re going on vacation, that sounds so fun! How do you like living here? That is how a NORMAL conversation between two adults is supposed to go, and it did! …..kinda…
You see, something happens to kids when they know their mom is even slightly distracted. They flip the switch into Turbo-Asshole mode. Anything they would not regularly do when no one else is around, they do. Anything they know they aren’t supposed to do, they do. There are no inside voices. THERE ARE NO MORE RULES! Welcome to the Thunderdome, Bitch!
Wait, I’m sorry friend. I’m not calling YOU a bitch, but this is the situation you have just unknowingly walked into.
Legos are being dumped. Tantrums are being thrown. Dogs are being yelled at and/or colored on. Possibly even shaved. One kid is crying because no one will listen to him, but then won’t listen. Other kid is attempting to show off which means attempting to break their fucking neck- all the while, Mommy is trying to explain to this old friend that a) she’s doing just fine, despite the nuclear war she’s is currently witnessing and b) their upcoming vacation sounds wonderful- while making zero eye contact. None. Can’t. Must make sure children don’t overflow the toilets by stuffing it full of marbles, or somehow managed to steal the phone and spend 500 REAL dollars in Candy Crush. MUST BE ABLE TO DO BOTH THINGS AT ONCE!
Those who haven’t experienced the WONDERFULNESS that is being a parent may not know this- but multitasking is kind-of our thing. I’m being modest. We’re AMAZING at it. If there were a multitasking Olympics, parents would win the gold medal every single time. So, even though to my friend, I may have seemed frantic, frustrated, distracted, and possibly even rude- I was really just frantic, frustrated, distracted, but LISTENING. I heard every word she said. I SWEAR I WASN’T BEING RUDE! I was paying attention to what you were saying! Promise!
That is how it goes any time I try to have a conversation with my kids present. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
What I’m trying to say here is that if you ever find yourself chatting with a mom and she seems to not be paying attention to anything you say- even going as far to make the MOM EYES at her kid/s in the middle of your sentence, just remember this blog. We hear you, we promise- we just have to keep our focus open. Even if our kids aren’t around. WHAT?! It’s hard to turn that shit off!
The “Are You Ready to Have Kids?” Checklist of Doom goo.gl/fb/DTPJ1A
If anyone asks how I died, you can just go ahead and tell them "she was lured in by free pie in exchange for listening to 2nd graders screech Thanksgiving songs for 30 minutes"
Half-Assed Jingler Syndrome goo.gl/fb/McWfBy
@ItsEvieClaire Booze and tears
I'm not saying this is the perfect #Christmas gift for all the parents in your life, but.... okay, yeah I am. That's exactly what I'm saying. Truths from the bowels of parenthood! amazon.com/Kids-Are-Turds…
@Gofashiondeals All of that and more. Good times. Gooooood times