Watching our kids grow up is hard.And most of the time it happens WAY too frickin’ fast! One moment we’re all googly eyed over their brand new onesie with the cutesie dancing monkeys all over it, and the NEXT damn day we can’t get that mofo over their bulbous head. What the hell, baby? You can’t stay the same size for just ONE day??? Nope.
Once our kids get to a certain age where it seems like they just don’t need us for much anymore other than occasional homework help and a roof over their heads, we look back on those younger years fondly. We express sad sentiments of how we didn’t cherish it enough, and how we wish we could go back and do it all over again. Well, that’s because a STUPID little thing called LOVE is clouding your vision! CLARITY, PEOPLE! It’s time to get some of it! Let us not mope around over our babies not being babies anymore! Let’s CELEBRATE IT! Not being babies means not having to do ANY of this awful shit again!
Here are the things you WON’T and DON’T “miss when they get older”!
1. Insane sleep deprivation. You never really sleep the same once you have kids no matter how old they get, but at least you aren’t up every 2 hours with a screaming baby anymore! Yay sleep!
2. Booger bulbing baby noses. Nothing less appetizing than the slurp of a mutant snot wad being sucked from your child’s head.
3. Two words: Mother Fucking Cradle Cap. Okay, that’s 4, but rightfully so. Ew.
4. Seedy shit. I really never looked at mustard the same way again.
5.DIAPERS! GOOD RIDDANCE, SHART CATCHERS!
6. Projectile Poo-spolsions
7. Little Einstein crap, Dora, Max & Ruby, Bubble Guppies, and that whiny little shitface Caillou. Rot in toddler television hell, annoying assholes!
8. Confusing crying. Babies cry a lot. Kids cry a lot. The reasons they are crying might not make ANY sense- but at least when they’re older they can tell you why they’re completely losing their shit.
10. TEETHING! Fuck off, baby teeth!
11. Bathroom audience. Now instead of insisting on coming with me to take a crap EVERY time I need to re-stock the lake with brown trout, they only bug me 75% of the time! Oh, how I missed a satisfying uninterrupted poop.
12. The Lift & Sniff. Never again will I pick up a child and bring their ass to my nose to see if they actually crapped their pants or just let loose the most rancid eye-burning gas known to man. Their shit is their problem now!
13. Wall Art. It’s a wonderful moment when your children reach the age where they are old and wise enough to fear what you might do if they took a crayon or marker to your wall. MAGICAL!
14. Extreme Love & Adoration. I know this one SOUNDS wrong, but it isn’t! The older they get, the less they like you, and that’s a GOOD THING! Over the weekend, I watched a new-ish mom not be able to even get behind her kid’s stroller to push it because if she dared get out of its line of sight it would screech like a banshee. She looked exhausted. I looked elated that my kids don’t like me that much anymore!
15. Pureed baby food. Oh God, the kind with the meat *gag* I’d almost wiped that wretched filth from my memory!
16. Teeny tiny adorable baby socks, shoes, and hats. Yeah, they’re aww-worthy adorable, but having them constantly falling off, and/or your kid kick or toss one of those things off every 5 feet and constantly having to bend down and pick it up, or constantly losing them? Yeah. They suck. Don’t miss that one bit!
17. Organic home-made cottage cheese. Oh, you know what I mean. That delicious chunky goodness that forms in baby’s crazy adorable fat folds? Mmmmmm. Goes great with fruit! Not.
18. Constant Worry & Panic. The worst part of parenthood is the constant heightened level of fear before they can communicate with you. No, it never really goes away- but I’m not helicoptering over my kids beds at night just to make sure they’re breathing for absolutely no reason at all anymore, and that’s something to be relieved about!
Please stop Complimenting my kids’ “Good” Behavior goo.gl/fb/rwfojS
Hard pass from me pic.twitter.com/VayvW1eopK
I've gotten to the point where I'd let my kids summon a demon with a Ouija board before I'd let them play Monopoly together again.
Parenthood is when you start counting the minutes to bed time before 11am.
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