When it comes to holidays- and by that I mean any day that can be reasonably celebrated with a Hallmark card- I have the worst luck imaginable. I’m not kidding. I must have burned down a mirror maze and then ran through a ladder factory infested with black cats on Friday the 13th in a past life to have THIS much bad luck on days meant to be celebrated.
Before getting married, I had never been out on a Valentine’s Day date. Not that I buy into all of that poopy-shmoopy shit, but a meal out would have been nice! Valentine’s Day dates now? Include the kids. And probably chicken nuggets.
On my day of birth; the one where I was ripped from my mother’s insides and took my first breath; the one day people get a year that is ALL about them, and what do I get? Stomach flu. Blizzards. Roommates threatening to kill me over cat pee.
….and then there’s Christmas. Holly Jolly Christmas. The Holy Grail of holidays, and the unluckiest day of the year for me. Hives? Check. Mom wrapped up a pack of socks and put under the tree that she had stolen a pair from? Double check. Family member tore me a new asshole for DARING to return a gift? Triple check. Childhood dog died on Christmas morning? Quadruple fucking check! There was one year at my grandmothers where my family partied so hard (and my family NEVER misses a partying opportunity, which as an adult, I now appreciate) that I got scared into hiding under the appetizer table. Oh, and then there was the time where I got a Teddy Ruxpin at the HEIGHT of the Teddy Ruxpin craze, as did some of my cousins, and mine went all Poltergeist on my ass and started speaking in tongues. I never played with it again.
As many craptacular memories I have, I look back on them, cringe, and then laugh- and I know I’m not alone. Who out there has a TERRIBLE Christmas story to share? Find Grandpa’s dentures in the turkey? Burn the turkey and give the entire family food poisoning? Catch Mommy kissing Santa Clause? Grandma get run over by a reindeer??
Send them to me using the form below and I’ll put together a blog of the best of the worst and maybe someone out there who has the kind of crappy holiday season that we have all had will read it and smile a little knowing they aren’t alone (and us, too!)!
I will be taking submissions until Sunday December 21st at 10:30pm EST! Please use the form below to send in your story (comments will not be counted as submissions.)
A story for any mom who has ripped the ass out of her pants because she hasn't replaced them in forever, using the excuse "well the kids need pants more than me" holdinholden.com/2018/02/i-ri…
Acting like they're never coming back. pic.twitter.com/MknDuwtDtm
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I Ripped the Ass out of my Pants goo.gl/fb/fcStPt
@BrentWalshITM Your show in RVA is the first time considering taking one of my minis to a rock show and I figured you'd know better than any- safe for a 10 yr old or wait a few years? He loves y'all but I don't think he can handle a thrashing
My kids do this funny thing where they give me all kinds of attitude in the morning while forgetting I have access to their toothbrushes while they're at school.