Dear Mother Nature,
After decades of putting up with your bullshit day in and day out, bending to your every whim, being blamed for things only you control, I gotta say- I still don’t get it.
I’m sure you’re busy, what with the billions of women’s lives you are making hell at this very moment including my own, but I just wish you would answer one question: WHY THE PERIOD?
Blah blah blah science, I don’t want to hear it! Do not logic me to death, Mother Dearest. I don’t care about the facts behind the menstrual cycle. I am still asking- WHY THE PERIOD? Why the boob-achy, back-hurting, uterus cramping, underwear ruining, emotional mindfuck that is the period? Why you gotta be like that? And PERIOD POOPS? Seriously? What are you, 6? That shit isn’t funny. PUN INTENDED!
Underwear is expensive, Mother Nature, and I’ve certainly never been reimbursed by all the lovely pairs you have ruined, despite all my efforts to prevent it. Why must we fight every month? Why can’t we live in peace and harmony and happily frolic through fields of daisies and do back flips off of diving boards in white bathing suits like all those ladies in the tampon commercials do? Obviously, that’s how it’s SUPPOSED to be, so why does the week of crotchsplosion consist more of wanting to chainsaw everyone in half, stuff ourselves to the brink of death with chocolate, and burn down houses? Pretty sure this is not what “nature intended”.
I’ll admit- I DO occasionally get happy when you make your monthly appearance, whether it be on time (HAH! Rarely! You’re like the damn cable guy!) or late, because that means I will not be birthing another child, but that happiness is short-lived. Immediately following the celebration is the week of torture, tears, and being afraid to sneeze. AFRAID TO SNEEZE! That is unacceptable!
If anything, Mother Nature, you should be rewarding us ladies for not getting pregnant instead of punishing us every month. Not having a baby is less environmental stress- a.k.a. easier for you! Less to clean up! Fewer ecological footprints!
All I’m saying is that you should consider it. Wouldn’t you rather have a world full of women shooting biodegradable confetti from their hoo-has as a celebration of non-pregnancy every month instead of blood? I mean REALLY? BLOOD? Us ladies would really appreciate it NOT looking like a massacre downstairs, and a reprieve from our uteri threatening to tear its way out of our abdomen every 28 or so days.
Do us a solid, Mother Nature. And yes, that includes those lovely loose stools you’ve so graciously bestowed upon us.
All the best,
Women with periods everywhere
The “Are You Ready to Have Kids?” Checklist of Doom goo.gl/fb/DTPJ1A
If anyone asks how I died, you can just go ahead and tell them "she was lured in by free pie in exchange for listening to 2nd graders screech Thanksgiving songs for 30 minutes"
Half-Assed Jingler Syndrome goo.gl/fb/McWfBy
@ItsEvieClaire Booze and tears
I'm not saying this is the perfect #Christmas gift for all the parents in your life, but.... okay, yeah I am. That's exactly what I'm saying. Truths from the bowels of parenthood! amazon.com/Kids-Are-Turds…
@Gofashiondeals All of that and more. Good times. Gooooood times