Christmas is a time for happiness, cheer, egg-nog (GAG), mistletoe, and hideous sweaters! Unfortunately, life doesn’t always go as we plan and our holidays go horribly awry.
Here are some stories from people who know that to be the absolute truth and will make your burned turkey or having to choke down Grandma’s nasty-ass fruitcake look pretty darn good!
Editor’s note: Don’t feel bad for laughing- the one thing we ALL have in common is that we’re all still here- still alive and well- to read and laugh at these now! Life’s too short not to!
My mother had just started seeing this guy, I was 13. Bad enough that we uprooted where we lived in Ohio to move to Virginia to live with him because my mother got a wild hair up her ass after meeting him online! But then we had to meet his mother for Christmas. She proceeds to tell me that she didn’t know what to get me, because my mom was fat, she thought I would be too. So, she got me what any good person would get a13 year old… A size 4x sweat suit… Oh and that’s not all, she then told me that girls should start a beauty regimen. She handed me a gift bag with a drug store make up caddy filled with her q- tips and cotton balls. To make matters worse, there was a used q-tip in the mix. I told my mother I wasn’t going there ever again. Don’t even get new started on the fact that she couldn’t help but sweat profusely all over Christmas dinner. I know, cute old lady cooking dinner, I shouldn’t be a butt… You weren’t there!
Christmas of 2012 was, possibly, my worst Christmas. On Christmas eve I could tell I was coming down with something, maybe just allergies or a sinus infection, but since I get them all the time I wasn’t too worried about it. My mom was staying with us too since she was between homes at the time. I go to sleep praying that I won’t feel too bad in the morning since my brother and sister in law were coming over later in the day.
I wake up and I am flushed, cold sweating, sick to my stomach, couldn’t breath through my nose, my throat felt raw, and I had a fever of 102.6. The only person that would get near me was my mom. When it was time to had presents to me everyone slide them across the floor too me and made me keep the neck of my hoodie pulled over my mouth so I couldn’t breath on them.
To top the day off, one of my present from my brother was a 2lb dumbell, a 5lb dumbell, an 8lbs dumbell, and a resistance band because “I am always complaining about being fat.”
-Tiana S. aka Mommys Nightmare
A few years ago my very nearly ex husband decided to show me why I should divorce him. It started when he threw a full strop because the suit I bought him was charcoal pinstripe when he wanted navy (the suit was a surprise). After that, he said I had to make everything from scratch whilst we were in private he goes through methodically each part of the dinner and said how it would have been better if I’d have just used packeted stuff. Later, he accused me and a close family friend of having an affair, stropped and effed off to his girlfriends house, leaving his wife with the washing up. I got a hug for Christmas that year. It was the last hug I ever gave him.
I am now with the very same close friend he wrongly accused me of cheating with, and he is still with the girlfriend. The difference is that now, I’m a happy outgoing woman and he is stuck with someone who he has confessed to me he neither loves nor even likes. I look at them and think- ner ner nerner ner!
First, here is a little fact about my mother in law.. She is a nice lady, well intentioned, does nice things for people, is smart, worked in an orphanage in China.. (seriously, she fucking did that!!) She also happens to be bat shit crazy. Like so annoyingly crazy that you actually starting imagining climbing up to the roof and jumping the fuck off!!
So Christmas day is upon us and we have the ML, my dad, and youngest brother here. I was uber pregnant with baby #4. Hubby was really pissy about having to work on Christmas day, so we made an arrangement that we would record the kids and morning shit for him to watch later. ML reeeeeally wanted to be helpful and make the dinner. She was in her 60’s.. if she can’t cook a fucking turkey and some veggies and shit after all these years then wtf!! So I agreed to this and decided to go upstairs and put together some toys. After a while she called the 2 littles downstairs to “help” her with something. When about 15 minutes went by I knew I should go and check how things were going. They were sitting on the floor directly in front of the stove reading books. All 4 burners were on high, shit was bubbling everywhere, and she was carelessly swinging a rather large knife around.
She did not put the turkey on until just after 3pm. Before she did though, she made sure to fill it with instant Stove Top stuffing and stitch it’s ass shut with bright blue thread. My d and b just sat there smirking at me. I could almost hear their snide remarks (we are all assholes, obviously).
After all this, I thought I’d better help now. So I went back to the kitchen and saw the ML holding a container of cup up carrots. The container was a potty cup. A fucking potty cup!!! She found it in a cupboard somewhere in the house as she was rummaging around. I told her that we would not, in fact, be eating out of a fucking potty, to which she loudly insisted she cleaned it!! Trying not to allow my family to realize what was going on, I took the bag of carrots and went to the table to start them again. D and b were at the table with me and ML pops her head in and asked if she could get me anything, so I asked her for a bowl. She came back with the fucking potty!!! I was almost getting hit in the face with now popping eyeballs..
Finally hubby returns from work. He’s super bitchy. 7pm comes and goes and we’re wondering when the hell the turkey is going to be done. Hubby checks on his mother in the kitchen and we hear him ask.. How long has the oven been off??? And her asking if the turkey is cooked or not. Now my family is glaring at me clearly wondering if they were about to die violently of food poisoning.
So then bitchy hubby opened the gifts we gave him. He used to commute so one of the things I gave him was a cheap cell phone. He announced that he didn’t like it and then acted like a dick for about the next 30 minutes before he just huffed off to bed, leaving the rest of us (who had just had a day from hell) all sitting there staring at each other.
One funny thing happened though.. It was the ML who ended up with the bright blue ass thread on her plate! HAHAA!!
The odds are pretty good that I’m going to hell for sharing this story.
Two years ago on what would have been my youngest child’s first Christmas someone broke into our home and took every gift Santa would have been putting under the tree. I have 4 kids at the time they were 7, 7, 6 and the a fore mentioned 9 month old. It was 2 days before Christmas…2 FREAKING DAYS how in the heck do I replace presents for 4 kids in two days? The answer is simple, take the kids to Grandma’s which is just has bad because my mother in law hates me. But she loves her grand-babies so Christmas was saved in the eyes of the kids. I however am still feeling the sting of losing that much before a holiday my kids adore because of the gifts and having to deal with the evil stares, and snide comments of the mother in law from hell.
Well, one year my baby brother (was three at the time) got up on the dining room table, where everyone was sitting, said,”I want presents NOW!”, and promptly vomited and sharted simultaneously. That white table cloth was never white again.
My husband and I decided to buy a kitten for our children! Best Christmas ever right, WRONG! I wrapped a cute box up and the morning of my husband got up extra early to put the kitten inside. Do you know what he forgot to do…put air holes! That’s right, kids wake up and come running downstairs with huge smiles on their faces exited to open their gifts. The last one they opened was supposed to be the best of all…. they rip it open to find a dead kitten!!! Merry freaking Christmas.
Don’t you feel a little better now??
But seriously- Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy New Year & all that good shit!
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