Damien (The Omen), Samara (The Ring), Malachai (Children of the Corn), Reagan (The Exorcist), Gage (Pet Sematary), Carol Ann, even the twins in The Shining beckoning us to come and play with them “forever, and ever, and ever”, small children have been used as ways to terrify us in movies and TV shows for decades now. One has to wonder- why? Is it because they are so sweet and innocent that watching them commit any kind of evil act is chilling to the core, or is it because kids are just flat-out CREEPY AS FUCK??
I’m going with the latter.
If your kid doesn’t occasionally terrify the ever-loving shit out of you, well, I don’t want to alarm you, but perhaps you should be sleeping with one eye open. WHAT?! It’s always the quiet ones, isn’t it?? I’m just saying- most of the world thinks miniature humans are frightening. Even their toys aren’t safe (Hello- Chucky, Annabelle, that freaky as fuck clown in Poltergeist?) from the horror movie treatment. Yep, definitely the latter. Plop a little kid or their creepy little toy into a movie and you have the winning ingredients to horror movie gold.
It definitely didn’t take long for me to find this out to be true, not just on the silver screen, but with my very own children. Week 1: precious new baby is asleep in your arms when suddenly, their eyes begin to roll back into their head and THEY GIGGLE. THEY GIGGLE, Y’ALL! WITH THE WHITES OF THEIR EYES ALL OUT LIKE THEY’RE FLIPPITY-FLOPPIN’ POSSESSED!
Adorable? AHHAHAHAHAHAAA no. Not cute at all.
And then there are the things that come out of their precious little mouths. Mine never said “They’re heeeeerrreeee” while staring into a fuzzy TV, but they have said some things that could rival Jack Nicholson in all his door-smashing glory.
My 5 year old has an imaginary friend. His name is John. Or Jean. I don’t really know, and I don’t really care. You see, John is awful. A tyrant, a bully, and a douchecanoe. Basically, he’s just a total dickwadish sociopath. He “says” everything that Parker wants to say but can’t get away with saying but somehow thinks “John” can. Nope. John cannot. John got “thrown in the trash” this weekend because we all got so sick of his BS. I am fully expecting to wake up with Parker standing over me with a giant cleaver or a pillow with which to suffocate me and right before he ends my existence, he says “John said I can only have one mommy, and John is my mommy now.” and then BAM. Lights out. If not John, it’ll be “Daniel Evil”, who is John’s replacement. Damnit.
This whole situation got me thinking. Not just about my mortality, but about creeptacular kids. Obviously, with all the box office success, I’m not NEARLY the only one who’s been creeped out by my very own spawn- so I’m curious-
I’m serious! I want to know! This is a READER SUBMISSION blog! WOO! I’m gonna put together an ENTIRE blog full of the ones that could easily fit into the script for a scary movie. Think about it, shake off the heebie-jeebies, and submit yours using the contact form below! The deadline to submit a creepy kid statement is 11/20 (that’s a Thursday) at 8pm EST! Now, I am sure some other blog has done this before- but that’s okay, because I truly believe I have the best readers EVER (hey, that’s you!) and that this will make for an amazingly creepy (yet hilarious) blog! Send yours in, and then share this mofo with your friends!
**the submission period has ended. Thank you all for your entries!
Just did this yesterday and it was everything 9 year old me could have dreamed of pic.twitter.com/imYQlUmSVn
LIVE on Twitch tonight -- come say hi! twitch.tv/holdinholden
As I embark on an 11 day trip with my kids, this is especially fitting. VACATIONS WITH KIDS ARE MANUAL LABOR! holdinholden.com/2016/03/vaca…
Are you, though?? 😂😂 pic.twitter.com/Rm5L9PBuiL
When I file for divorce and people ask why I'm gonna say "I told him I felt bloated & wanted donuts and he replied 'that's not gonna help'"
Me usually: Lunch time, kids! So much to choose from! Me before a trip: You're gettin' a bread sandwich because I'm not going shopping again
How to Convince Your Fam to Watch ANYTHING you want on Netflix! goo.gl/fb/H6iZrR
We're just... uh.... wrestling.... 😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/dpAIyM88c8
When you think your kid is done telling a story and you're finally free but they immediately start telling another pic.twitter.com/zM5gtwNCnj