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Toys That Suck, Take 1

glitter barbie doll

I’m sorry…what exactly is this!? Because it looks like to me a doll with a hair ‘dryer’ that uses glitter as a projectile. If this is indeed what it very much appears to be, then I have one thing to say to you:
Can we talk?
Dear inventor who clearly doesn’t have children ( because obviously this is the only way this product could have ever been imagined and put into production),

I have something I need to get off my chest and I believe I can speak for all the other parents out there: ARE YOU EFFING INSANE??!! Do you realize what this is and what it does? It shoots glitter. It. Shoots. Glitter. Say it with me G L I T T E R.
GLITTER, you childless, inept product developer…..GLITTER. You know as in the herpes of craft supplies…as in, this will never go away, as in you’ll find it in your underwear and in your socks in between your toes. You’ll find it in your laundry that WILL go through the dryer and get on every piece of clothing you and your family owns, it’ll get in your towels, your wash cloths….you’ll scrub the glitter on your body (hey at least it’s exfoliating right?) oh but that’s not all ….you’ll towel off and end up rubbing it it your crotch while drying off (ladies, this is where exfoliating is a bad, bad thing)…THIS STUFF WILL NOT GO AWAY. It’ll get on your work clothes, too, so you can explain to the boss when he asks you exactly where you were for lunch “stud” referencing the glitter on the collar of your shirt and then you can back peddle oh so convincingly that it came from your daughter’s Barbie doll and not some stripper named Barbie (of course there will be the people who won’t ask, they’ll just assume and there goes the rumor mill at your next company gathering, thanks Barbie).

And just when you think it’s gone….nope, not a chance in hell (remember what we’re dealing with here, HERPES) you will find that shit on Valentines Day, at Easter time, Fourth of July, even Columbus Day isn’t safe from the staying power of the demon craft supply. You’ll be haunted at Halloween when your deatheater costume is sparkling with sheer terror thanks to that damn doll and her ‘accessories’. On your table runner for Thanksgiving dinner…GLITTER GLITTER EVERYWHERE!!! And just when you think you’ve seen the last of the shinning spawn of satan, we’ve come full circle back into the Christmas season, just in time for the glitter spray on tan Barbie. About the only place you won’t find it is in your child’s room anywhere near the damn doll it came with.
In closing I would like to say to you and your product developers, and the focus group that told you this was a good idea (which by the way, they lied to you just to get the free product) on behalf of damn near every living, breathing parent,
You’re a %#*>£!?&&);!?@$**%# with no &#^@(%&#$#@ sense and I hope you (#$^(@#(*&%^# in a @%^$(&*@# and choke on it.

Best Regards,
Consumers with children

 

This cautionary tale was written by the wonderfully ranty Dawn  Make sure you check out her brand new blogSisters @ Heart

Posted on November 12, 2014 by Holdin' Holden 5 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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5 Comments

  • Oh My God! That is EXACTLY how I feel about that stuff! I hate getting shirts that have that crap on them (I don’t buy them…they are usually given to me!!) But I digress…this was the greatest guest blog I have read in forever!!! Love it!

  • This had me cracking up laughing from the get go and the dreaded word GLITTER so true and so super funny

  • jennifer mccarrick March 22, 2015 at 8:43 pm

    Amen sister!!!!! It’s a never ending nightmare!!

  • unfortunately, that’s not all the problem with glitter. Here in Argentina they are prohibiting its use because a 5 year old boy died this year because he inhaled some and it produced serious infections in his respiratory system. Another 6 year old who had the same problem almost died and spent a few weeks in the hospital.