Ever since I wrote the “Dear Husband” blogs about the dark point in my marriage a few years ago, I often get asked from friends, family, and readers- “How did you know your husband was ‘The One’?” and I always respond “Well, I had to kiss a lot of frogs before I found my Prince!”
Did you throw up in your mouth a little? I apologize. Bile is not an appetizing flavor. I was only kidding! I have never referred to my husband as my Prince. Ew.
Picking “The One”- loosely translates as the one you want to bet half your shit that you’ll be together forever- is not as cut and dry as having them ride in on a white horse and sweep you off your feet. Or that disgustingly sappy. I love storybook endings and happily ever afters, but there is a reason they are called “Fairy Tales”.
Those movies and television shows and books and songs will all try to make you believe that true love is the one and only thing you need. All You Need is Love! Well DUH you need love in order to have a healthy relationship (and not one that ends up in therapy on some VH1 Reality Show)- but that is just the foundation. You’re gonna need a little more than that for the long haul. Sorry, Beatles.
Once you get the whole “love” thing nailed down and out of the way, what’s left?
By no stretch of the imagination is my marriage perfect. I don’t believe that even exists- but we’ve survived for almost 8 years now, which is far longer than most people predicted when we got together, so I know a thing or two. No really, I only know one or two things. The rest I’m still learning.
REGARDLESS! I think I can pass down some sage marital wisdom. This isn’t going to be anything like an in depth marriage book that will spell shit out for you, but, this MIGHT help you decide if you and the person you’re considering spending the rest of your life with will actually survive the first few years. Literally.
Before you walk down that aisle and repeat “‘Til’ Death Do Us Part”- consider the following. It could save you from hefty divorce fees down the road.
Does your potential future spouse annoy you SO much every day that you want to jab them in the throat with a plastic spork? Every OTHER day is completely normal, but if it’s all day every day, you may want to reconsider. This can be determined by whether or not your blood pressure rises as they chew. how early or late they brake at a stop light, or even in how they BREATHE. I’m serious! These are things you will have to deal with almost every day of your natural lives. You don’t have to love it, but you may be tempted to leave it. It’s best to sort this out beforehand.
If your bladder is about to explode, does your “one true love” dart into the bathroom before you, leaving you high and not so dry? Nothing has made me want to smother my betrothed more. Common courtesy!
Does the way they put the toilet paper roll on backwards, load the dishwasher, organize the Tupperware, or make the bed make you want to scream obscenities at an alarmingly loud volume? Hey, it might sound petty- but this is FOREVER we’re talking about. You have to deal with the Tupperware falling out of the cabinet all over you for the rest of your life- can you deal with that??
Can you stand the thought of their face on your offspring? You might think they are the most gorgeous creature on the planet, but if you can’t handle the thought of seeing their nose, inherited from their mother, on the face of your child? That’s gonna be a problem- and not one you can do a damn thing about without plastic surgery, which is frowned upon for small children.
Can you stand their family? At all? Or would you rather light your hair on fire and sit bare-assed on a bed of nails than sit in the same room with them?
If none of the above is an issue for you or your love, CONGRATULATIONS! Your marriage will be just fine! And by just fine, I mean it won’t self destruct from any of the above shit. At least for a week…. I mean…. There’s plenty of other things to consider- but when you begin picking apart everything… well, just don’t.
Come to think of it, as horrifically obnoxious as the above list is, I’m sure a marriage could survive even with ALL of these things going wrong, but not with love alone. Love might not get you to the finish line, but if you’ve got patience, it will put your tired ass on its back and carry you the rest of the way. If you have no patience? Well…then….you’re kinda screwed. Oh, stop! I’m kidding again!
Just know that no matter HOW much you love someone, even if it is more than you can put into words, they are going to annoy the shit out of you. A lot. That’s what keeps marriage interesting!
I've never had a near death experience, but I DID find 2 spiders in my house this morning, and that's pretty much the same thing.
If you like to be constantly criticized over your peanut butter to jelly ratio on sandwiches, being a parent is definitely for you.
It's called "Mom Tax" and it applies to ALL SWEETS OBTAINED BY CHILDREN pic.twitter.com/VExGwIOdBn
Live now on Twitch! Come hang out! twitch.tv/holdinholden
How I Unwind the Kids During Summertime goo.gl/fb/bqcdoV
Kid: When do I get the tablet back? Me: Thursday aftern--- Kid: *Yelling* I'LL NEVER GET IT BACK! Me: Okay, I guess never, then. #kidlogic
Being an adult is stupid. pic.twitter.com/ghkAP7UbIt
Me watching #AmericanNinjaWarrior: HAHA weak ass grip strength! Also me: Can't open a pickle jar.