Since the dawn time, males have struggled to understand women. Why we are how we are. Why we act how we act. Why we think how we think (and for some douchenozzels, why we even think at all). The conclusion always seems to be that women are irrational, emotional, dramatic, CRAZY- and I just have one thing to say about that, men. If YOU were a woman, you’d be crazy, too!
From the moment of birth (or at least as far back as we can remember) women have a clusterfuck of thoughts, worries, and emotions going through their heads. This is not to say that men don’t have thoughts in their heads from early ages, but look, if we’re talking about personal worry about the things that are happening to us, I just don’t think there’s any competition between the genders.
I’m too young to get boobs!
Will I ever get boobs?
Will my boobs be as big as my moms?
Why does everyone have boobs but me?
Why are my boobs bigger than everyone else’s?
Why does everyone focus so much on boobs?
Is what I’m wearing in style? Is it cute? Does it look good?
Am I bloated?
OH GOD IS THIS A PERIOD??
I don’t want a period!
Oh for the love of fuck are these cramps?
I’M DYING! MY UTERUS IS TRYING TO KILL ME!
Please, if you let me NOT bleed through my pants in school, I will not complain about cramps for the rest of my life!
I’m lying! I hate cramps! I’m dying! My boobs hurt! My vagina hurts!
Oh yay, I got asked on a date!
Oh NO, I didn’t get asked to the dance!
WHY did my period start before my date to the dance?!
I’M DYING! MY UTERUS IS TRYING TO KILL ME!
Why doesn’t my body look like hers?
Why does being a woman have to suck so much?
If this is what childbirth is like, I never want children!
I want to be smart!
I want to be pretty!
I want to be popular!
I want to be fashionable!
I want to not care about ANY of that stupid shit!
And that’s all before maturity, y’all. The real crazy hasn’t even begun. “Becoming a woman”- what does that even mean, really? It’s not like one day we turn 18 and suddenly sprout a vagina, and it certainly isn’t the day we start our first period, so if you ask me, “Becoming a Woman” means you evolve to the next level of female craziness. REAL LIFE worries, as if the ones that have been running through our heads for nearly two decades aren’t enough.
I want a career!
I want a family!
I want a career AND a family!
I don’t want to get married too young, I want to live my life and be free
My uterus is shedding and I will NOT hesitate to stab you!
What if I wait too long to have children and aren’t able to?
Am I even able to now?
Do I even WANT kids?
I don’t want them
I DO want them!
Do I wait or have them now?
What about the career? My life?
Ugh I don’t feel so great today… shit, is my period late? Am I pregnant??
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY PERIOD? YOU STUPID FUCKING UTERUS!
I never thought I’d be so happy to be gushing blood from my vagina. Yay for a crime scene in my underwear!
Now I need new underwear. Why is underwear so stupid expensive??
SHIT. I’m pregnant.
YAY! I’m pregnant!
YES! I’m pregnant!
YES! I’m not pregnant!
And then, if we so choose (and sometimes even if we don’t)- a baby happens. Welcome to Crazy Town, population: Moms.
What am I going to do?
I’m happy about this… or am I?
Am I ready for this? I’m just not sure
Christ on a bicycle I’m as big as a house, but at least I don’t have a period!
Is my vagina going to be torn in two? Am I ever going to get back to pre-baby weight? Can I actually properly care for a child?
What if I poop on the table?
This whole baby thing was a terrible idea!
Oh, but it’s so cute.
Or is it?
Is it only cute because I’m its mom and it came from my vag and love is blind?
Oh, but the love. I love.
No… it’s crying. Why does it cry so much? What am I doing wrong?
AM I A TERRIBLE MOTHER?
Why are my periods WORSE now?
What if my vagina looks like a beat up old roast beef sandwich now?
Ugh. This body. It’s not the same. Am I the only one who notices?
I JUST WANT TO FIT INTO MY JEANS, DAMNIT!!
Wait… Shit. When did my kid get so old?
Why is it so damn hard to make mom friends? Why does this feel like high school?
Is that a… pimple?? A PIMPLE? If I’m going to get a pimple like a damn teenager, I shouldn’t have wrinkles!
Do I want more kids?
Can I handle more?
I don’t know… not right now..
But… I’m not getting any younger
Shit. Where is my period?
Am I pregnant??
I should have had my damn uterus removed.
But then… I couldn’t have more…
NO! I DON”T WANT MORE!
As a man, perhaps you’re thinking- some of this shit is so superficial. Don’t you women ever worry about any REAL life stressors? The answer is yes. We worry about “real life stressors” AND all of this shit. All the time. Don’t try to understand it. Just try to relax and accept the crazy.
Every. Single. Time. pic.twitter.com/aAAWWjdrN3
I'm either "I HAVE 3 FRIES LEFT DON'T TOUCH MY PLATE!" or "Please take this so I can't eat any more of it!" There is no in-between.
Dear people writing articles on ways to get siblings to get along, I'll save you the time. The answer is "Don't let them play together"
Please stop Complimenting my kids’ “Good” Behavior goo.gl/fb/rwfojS
Hard pass from me pic.twitter.com/VayvW1eopK
I've gotten to the point where I'd let my kids summon a demon with a Ouija board before I'd let them play Monopoly together again.