Google search histories get people convicted of crimes, y’all. Okay, I don’t really know that for sure, but I’m positive that if many of us were accused of a crime, our search histories wouldn’t exactly make us look squeaky clean and innocent.
WHY am I so positive of this? Because I can see your search histories. Don’t worry, I’m not part of the NSA- but I do run this little website right here, and these days, the internet likes to tell us site runners what people are searching for so that we might use these searches to better target our demographics and content.
Every now and then, I like to dig into my archive of search terms people punched into their computer and landed on my website. No, not to better target my content. PSSSHHHH. To snort-laugh at! I don’t mean to be cruel… but seriously.. the shit we search for? We don’t realize how fucked up it is until someone like me is posting it in a blog for the whole world to see.
I almost feel bad for laughing. ALMOST. These poor people were obviously searching for SOME kind of answer, and they didn’t find it coming here, which makes me feel just a wee bit bad, so I’ve decided to answer some of them. You’re welcome.
“Jennifer Lopez ass”
I’m not kidding when I say this or some variation of this popped up in the searches more than anything else. I don’t know why. WHAT IS IT WITH J-LO’S ASS?! Yeah, yeah. It’s big and fabulous, but you won’t find it here.
“Vagina before kids and after”
Dear curious internet user,
Trust me when I tell you, you don’t want to do this! If you do, what you see may horrify you so deeply that it ends the human race. It’s that terrifying.
“guys in thong underwear stories”
I think what you’re looking for is “Borat”
“photo of an ugly virgina viving birth”
First of all, ew. Second of all, if you can’t spell it, you shouldn’t be searching it.
“sexy drunk moms walk around without clothes in heels”
Have you been peeping through my windows at night???
“please,do you know any still life photo?”
Not personally, sorry.
“shitting in jeans”
Jeans don’t deserve that shit
“how big is a 56ggg cup size”
“my son keeps saying booty pecker doo doo”
Would you rather it be Ass, Dick, Shit Shit? Didn’t think so.
“how to numb your vag”
Completely serious answer- it’s called Dermoplast, and it’s AH-MAH-ZING. Spray that shizz on your hoo-ha after giving birth and it’s like HEAVEN. Don’t try to stuff a Buick up there though. Dermoplast may be amazing, but it ain’t magic. I’m sorry if I ruined your dream of filming the sequel to Debbie Does Dallas you had tentatively named “Barbra does Buick”
“fuck me my dear huppy stories”
“pic of delivery baby i look all pic of vagina”
I know this wasn’t a question… but…. no.
“bug spray in vagina”
My vag just recoiled in horror. WHY GOD, WHY?!
“too tired reasons for sex”
Diarrhea. Explosive diarrhea. Trust me, there’s nothing less appealing than the thought of putting your doodle near a hole with a serious case of sting-ring.
“how to compliment parents on their cute kids”
WOW, YOUR VAGINA DISCHARGE SURE IS ADORABLE EVEN THOUGH IT CAME OUT OF YOU COVERED IN YOUR INSIDES! works pretty well.
“nudist in diaper”
I just…. Doesn’t that defeat the purpose of being a nudist? I mean… I just can’t.
“pissed his pants ‘tighty'”
Maybe he should have worn a diaper like the nudist??
“do women lay eggs”
Yes. It’s called a period. I wouldn’t suggest trying to fry them up in a skillet for breakfast, though.
“do girls fart and poop more than guys”
Yes, so stop staring at our asses when we walk away. We’re probably going to the bathroom to take a dump.
“why girls dont shit when their ass is fucked”
OH GOD WHY WOULD YOU SEARCH FOR THIS?! You are GROUNDED from the internet. FOREVER!
They are NOT one in the same. Didn’t I just ground you??
“women with magic vaginers”
That just made me laugh out loud. They really ARE magic!
“so you think you can dance tits ass”
Are…. you calling me Tits Ass? Am I supposed to be insulted? Are you inviting me to join a reality competition where I shake my no-nos? I NEED ANSWERS!! Don’t make me Google it!
“my husband marries me to suck my ass”
I mean….At least he does things for you??
“facebook magic code for vagina”
If Facebook were offering magic codes for vaginas, users would be a hell of a lot happier.
And one last search, just for good measure.
“my vagina look beat up ugly”
I am so very sorry.
Until next time, clear those histories! RIGHT NOW, or you could end up in one of these blogs! Or in PRISON!
Every. Single. Time. pic.twitter.com/aAAWWjdrN3
I'm either "I HAVE 3 FRIES LEFT DON'T TOUCH MY PLATE!" or "Please take this so I can't eat any more of it!" There is no in-between.
Dear people writing articles on ways to get siblings to get along, I'll save you the time. The answer is "Don't let them play together"
Please stop Complimenting my kids’ “Good” Behavior goo.gl/fb/rwfojS
Hard pass from me pic.twitter.com/VayvW1eopK
I've gotten to the point where I'd let my kids summon a demon with a Ouija board before I'd let them play Monopoly together again.