Encouragement, wisdom, warnings- these three things are spoon fed to those of us who choose to put our parts together and whip up a more annoying combined version of ourselves in the form of a baby. The encouragement is to keep us going on the harder days. The wisdom is to keep us from beating ourselves up too much, or trying to figure out things on our own when the time could be saved by just passing down a few tips here and there. The warnings- well, sometimes those are to scare us, and sometimes they are to save us. Parenthood isn’t easy, and kids aren’t always awesome… but neither is advice. Or encouragement. Or wisdom. Or warnings. Sometimes, what gets passed around is flat out BULLSHIT, and I’m here to expose the truth. Don’t buy into this crap. It will leave you confused and wondering why your kid hates you, and you suck at parenting. They don’t (that comes when they’re teenagers!) and you don’t. Well, maybe a little- but we all do. SEE, isn’t the truth lovely? Here’s some more:
1. “It gets better as they get older!”
Oh no the hell it doesn’t! Kids are like yogurt. The older they get, the more rotten they are. Beware the “holy fuck fours”- they put the not-so-terrible twos to shame! I’ve gone one in the Shitheaded Sevens, and the pass of a-holiness looks like it continues FOREVER from here!
2. “Just give it some time and you’ll forget about the pain of childbirth and want to do it all over again!”
One moment, please….
Look, you NEVER forget. Ever. Neither does your leaking nether region. You might temporarily block it out, a condition I call “Momnesia”, but it WILL come back to haunt you. Usually when you’re about 8 months pregnant and suddenly remember having a baby ripped from your lower half.
3. “The best thing about babies is that ‘New Baby Smell'”
No. The best thing about babies is when they stop looking like potatoes and sleep more than 2 consecutive hours in a row. New babies smell like head-cheese and spoiled milk. And poop.
4. “Enjoy it now. You’ll miss that when they get older!”
My kids sleep through the night and don’t (usually) shit their pants. I MISS NOTHING!!!
5. “Don’t worry about it; It will come naturally!”
This, for me, is one of the worst. Not EVERYTHING comes naturally. There’s nothing naturally about a baby upchucking into your eyeball, or being kept up for 7 hours of screaming every night, or trying to change a diaper when the kid starts shitting again. This implies that if it DOESN’T come naturally, you’re doing something very wrong, and that’s just not the case.
6. “Have siblings close in age. They’ll be the BEST of friends!”
Dude. My kids are two years and two weeks apart, and they hate each other. My brother and myself are under 2 years apart. I hated that kid until we were well into our twenties. We TORTURED my mom for nearly two decades. Mine are TORTURING me! You shut your whore mouth with that nonsense! What a horrible lie!
7. Parenthood is great!
No way. It’s a trap. IT’S A TRAP!!!!
Now, I’m not saying that if someone spews one of these nonsensical pseudo-wisdom nuggets at you, that you should laugh hysterically and punch them in the face, but… Okay, yes I am. Minus the punch part. I can’t pay your bail!
Getting my hair done today! Honestly more excited that my husband has to pick up the kids from school than I am about a fresh 'do
17 Stupidly Impossible Things our Kids Think we can do that we… well… can’t. goo.gl/fb/RrkM47
The fact that this is accurate for my life means it's finally happened: I've become my mother. pic.twitter.com/xrIGOoM5Q9
Vacation season is upon is! This is just your friendly reminder that trips with kids are NOT vacations. holdinholden.com/2016/03/vaca…
If you've ever dreamed of having a smaller, angrier version of yourself that you have to argue with over booger eating, kids are for you.
Repeat for infinity while yelling "I JUST CLEANED THAT" pic.twitter.com/pmfEpm3hJU
I love it when my kid is proud of his new accomplishments. I just wish he wouldn't come into my room at 5am to yell them at me while I sleep
Don't grow up- it's a trap! holdinholden.com/2017/05/10-w…
FYI: When I said "enough with the cold weather! It's MAY! Give us heat!" I didn't mean that I wanted to take a vacation to Satan's anus.