Over the past weekend, I attended a baby shower for my dear cousin. It is her first, and my family simply cannot miss the opportunity to throw a raging party, so to say it was over the top would be an understatement. There were all kinds of drinks and activities and things to do (and booze to drink out of bottles).
After guessing the baby’s birth wait and creating a wonderful “crotchfruit” onesie, I was directed to the baby’s nursery, where I was to write down parental advice on a card for the Mom To Be; any advice, whether it be pregnancy, labor, or parenting in general. I was not the first to come to this little station, so the bin already had a few cards in it, and… well… I just couldn’t help myself. What kind of advice were fellow shower attendees bestowing upon my beloved family member??
Card #1: “Don’t wake papa too early in the morning” – This was from my Uncle (her father). Cute!
Card #2-50: “Cherish it. They grow up fast”
WHAT IN THE SHITFUCK??? No, they didn’t all ACTUALLY say the same thing, but they were all scribbled with the same type of mushy useless “advice”. Where is the logic?? Where is the advice this woman can actually USE? When she’s pushing that baby down the birth canal, how in the holy hell is “cherish it” going to benefit her? It ain’t. She ain’t gonna cherish having her vagina torn in half.
At that very moment I realized that before birthing my first crotchfruit, I was given the same kind of useless mushy advice and was then totally floored when my kid blew out my vagina. Who would ever see that coming if the only advice they got was to cherish it??
Here are some tips for expectant moms (or new moms, or future moms… or even just moms in general) from a mom who isn’t afraid to put it all out there- and I do mean ALL!
1. Yes, you have an excuse to eat for two, but you probably shouldn’t. You’re going to give birth to a baby, blood, fluid, some other goop, and a placenta- not the 30 pounds of Krispy Kreme doughnuts you couldn’t help pounding into your face.
2. Birth plans are all well and good, but don’t freak if shit doesn’t go exactly how you planned. This is a baby, not a tooth cleaning.
3. Dermoplast. Write that shit down! RIGHT NOW! It is a numbing spray, and it saved my vag after my 2nd kid. I WISH I’d known about it after my 1st! You can pick up a can at your local drug store, but you’re going to want to test it on your skin first. The last thing you want is to light your hoo-ha on fire after ripping it in half!
4. Hoard the giant hospital ice packs. If you have a vaginal childbirth, this is key. I know some hospitals, some nurses, some places are very generous with the supplies they give you to take home, but both times I gave birth I got NOTHING. I learned after crying myself to sleep due to insane vag pain and being completely out of the wonderful ginormous pad-ice packs the hospital gives you, that if I ever were to have kids again I would need to take matters into my own hands. For every pad I used in the hospital, I stuffed one into my bag. I had a stockpile. Those things saved my life. I swear it.
5. You’re going to bleed after giving birth, and I’m not just talking about in the hospital. After Holden, I bled for 13 weeks straight. Consider it payback for the 9(ish) months you just spend without a period. Stock up on pads. Do NOT think this exempts you from being able to get pregnant.
6. Not everyone’s body bounces right back. Cut yourself some slack.
7. Kegels. They might just keep Poise from approaching you and asking you to be their spokesperson.
8. It’s okay to think your baby is an asshole, because babies ARE assholes.
9. You don’t have to take ANYONE else’s parenting advice. Trust your own gut; the gut is rarely wrong.
Oh, I totally spaced! I never told you what *I* wrote on the advice card at the baby shower!
10. All babies are different. All babies cry. All babies are frustrating. There is NO one way to raise them, so don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise.
I can’t say for certain these tips will hold true for absolutely everyone, but it should help your vagina hurt a lot less. If nothing else, that’s pretty spectacular.
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Hard pass from me pic.twitter.com/VayvW1eopK
I've gotten to the point where I'd let my kids summon a demon with a Ouija board before I'd let them play Monopoly together again.
Parenthood is when you start counting the minutes to bed time before 11am.
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