Look, I like watching Soaps. What’s the big deal? I know they’re totally ridiculous, the plots are completely ridiculous and so incestuous that if you think about it too much it can be slightly disturbing, and some of the acting at times can be laughable, but I LIKE THEM! I grew up on them. I am a Soap baby. I am used to the ridiculousness. Maybe so much so that at times I don’t even realize just how ridiculous they have gotten.
Usually when I watch Soaps, I am alone. One kid is at school, the other is napping (or pretending to) and the husband is at work. I can watch this ridiculous shit without ANY judgment whatsoever. It’s my ME time. I am blissful in this private ridiculousness.
Then the inevitable time comes when the husband has a “sick” day (must be nice!) or a day off from work, or my stupid back decides to up and quit on me and I become completely immobile, and because I REFUSE to miss a day of my beloved soap in case something juicy happens, he is forced to watch it with me. I cringe. Have you ever found yourself in this situation? Where you are watching something SO female, that you actually have trouble watching it with someone of the opposite sex because you know it’s girly and don’t want them to laugh at it because it’s probably the dumbest cheesiest thing ever? Even if you don’t give a floating fart in space what anyone else thinks of you, you have felt the pang of slight embarrassment over a guilty pleasure. YOU HAVE! YOU KNOW YOU HAVE! JUST GO WITH ME HERE, DAMNIT!
The first time, there were questions. So many questions. The more I answered, the more stupid I felt. Having to explain who was married to who after being divorced from their brother which was so and so’s uncle who killed their cousin after a drunk driving accident but what they DON’T know is that they aren’t REALLY related and the REAL cousin/uncle/son was switched at birth and is ACTUALLY their barista at Starbucks even just ONE time was one time too many. I couldn’t. I stopped. No more explanations!
It was then that the idea came to me. In a moment of pure brilliance, I decided to enjoy his confusion, disgust, frustration, and annoyance with my Soap in all its soapy wonderful awfulness, and by doing that, and writing down EVERYTHING he said- without his knowledge- I got a stream of uninterrupted HILARITY.
Here are all of his comments, reactions, and ridiculousness:
(During opening credits where sassy shots of all the actors are shown)
Pierce Brosnan #2
(Character is sitting in what is supposed to be but is obviously not a real graveyard)
You buried him in your back yard?
…..“aaaaaaand I’m a liar!”
(obligatory pool scene)
“We want you to be an extra on a soap and walk in the background in a bikini and heels. Aaaaaand GO!”
Is that oil? He’s wearing body oil.
*in a sing songy voice* Old people kissiiiing!
(whispers) What does that MEAN?
*In a girly voice* “Let’s roll around in the sheets kissing!”
I don’t think she was wearing a shirt.
*throws hands in the air*
*snorts* “what’s his name”?
(character asks for divorce) *over dramatic hands flailing in air*
*makes porn music sounds*
(Soap ends) *deep sigh of relief*
I may not feel any less embarrassed about my guilty pleasure (and LAAWWWD did he pick a cheesy day to stay home), but I feel no guilt at all about torturing my husband with it! This was far better than the bon bons the rest of the world thinks we Soap lovers stuff our faces with while watching.
I guess what I’m saying is… torture your spouse today! It’s fun!
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