According to 5 year old me, I’m OLD… So why don’t I feel like it?


old2When I was about 5 years old, I can remember looking at my mom and thinking- MAN, that lady is OLD. My Dad is OLD. All of my mom’s friends are OLD!
If my math serves me correctly (it usually doesn’t, but I’m trusting it just this once), my mom had me at 25, so at 5 years old, she would have been 30.

I am 30.

Ahhhhhhhhhh! It burns! It’s almost too painful to let that little fact sink in!

At this point, the 5 year old that is still deep down inside of me is telling me that I should feel like a proper adult at this point. I should feel older, wiser, more mature, and accomplished. I should feel smart and responsible and have my shit together. I’d definitely do adult-y type things, like eating boring cereal, drinking metamucil, reading the morning paper and enjoying television like Dateline and Jeopardy.

Uhhhhh….. I don’t feel like ANY of those things. Well, except Jeopardy. You can’t NOT love Alex Trebek, damnit!
But the rest? Am I doing this whole adult thing wrong? Am I BROKEN? Why the hell am I listening to my inner 5 year old? My inner 5 year old thought the worst thing that could ever happen was the Sharon Lois & Bram show getting cancelled or when the yellow marker got ruined because GOD FORBID you touched it to a black marker line!

WELL SKINNA MERINKY FUCKING DINKY DINK! I have zero interest in that whole “growing up” thing that I thought I’d had done by now.
I still think poop humor is hilarious. I belch at the dinner table. I love sleep but I am NOT going to go to bed early just because I have to wake up early. I don’t feel like what I thought I would feel like at 30. I don’t feel OLD! Maybe my body does, but the rest of me still believes I’m young. And I am, aren’t I? I mean… in the grand scheme of things, I’m not even halfway through my life yet (hopefully!)
Sure, to a 5 year old, 30 sounds downright ANCIENT. Those big coffee drinking, going to work, driving cars, having *shudder* responsibilities humans…. Oooooooold!

Maybe I’m not who I thought I’d be when I was 5. I haven’t reached all of my goals and most days I definitely don’t have my shit together, but 5 year old me was kind of a moron. I mean, I still sucked my thumb! I’ve got plenty of time to get old, but I’m not old yet, damnit!

I THINK the moral of the story is: being grown up means you never really HAVE to grow up. And also, 5 year olds are assholes.

Posted on September 11, 2014 by Holdin' Holden 1 Comment
Holdin' Holden

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1 Comment

  • You are only 30! You might as well still be sucking your thumb baby girl. Until you grow random hairs at the speed of light, you are still young enough to dance to the top 40. Enjoy!!