Recently, I was talking to friends about how nice hot baths are and it reminded me of a time in my mid 20’s- when I was dating a guy who I thought was the hottest thing on the planet. Sadly I was constantly trying to look cool, sexy and you know- not like myself.
I had done a pretty good job when one fateful night I realized I had never gotten frisky in a tub. I lived in a home that had one of those big garden tubs with Jacuzzi knobbys and everything. I have never been a bath person…one I don’t like sitting in my own stew…two I always get too cold.
Sooo I get ready for our date and decide to light candles, put chocolate covered strawberries on the edge, scented oil stuff – you know a dreamy classy soft porn moment.
He comes in, sees the bathroom and gets very ummmmm happy in his pants? So I think “Man look at me, dorks worldwide would be proud of me!”
I undress and I am trying to do this sexy walk and step into the tub (well every woman reading this, knows I am also trying to keep my gut sucked in as well) so I have no doubt it looked like I was trying to do the robot.) So I put one foot in all dainty…give him the “come hither” look…(later I find out from him, it actually looked like I was trying to hold in a fart with a touch of a lazy eye).
My foot goes in, I lift my other leg to get in….and commence to do this motion that can only be described as windmill roller-skating. Nothing but elbows and bootyhole, arms and legs everywhere. Who knew that sexy time shower oil would make the bottom of the tub slicker than a muskrat slide?! I am flailing about screaming “SON OF A COOTERKICKER UNCLEHUMPER!!” and I hit one of the candles that flings hot wax onto my right nipple. Now… I know some dirty girls like that. This girl did not. So I go boobs first into the water, and just picture my nipple falling off looking like one of those Fourth of July snakes that turn to ash.
I roll over to save some dignity, just in time for my hair to get caught in the little jet thingys. I start screaming “ITS EATING ME! ITS EATING ME!”. The boy toy has to cut my hair out of the jets… I am still holding on to the idea that the scene wasn’t THAT bad. I mean shit happens.
I stand up and go to get out of the tub and he says “What the hell is in your ass?!” I turn to look in the mirror and there is my lovely sudsy back…with a melted chocolate covered strawberry sticking out of the crack of my ass.
Yep ladies…if you need any pointers on how to turn your man on- I’m your gal. Ok not really…the boyfriend actually got dress and left…while I rubbed aloe on my broken nipple, with hair missing from the side of my head…and debated about at least eating the other strawberries. I got a cat the next day.
I'm either "I HAVE 3 FRIES LEFT DON'T TOUCH MY PLATE!" or "Please take this so I can't eat any more of it!" There is no in-between.
Dear people writing articles on ways to get siblings to get along, I'll save you the time. The answer is "Don't let them play together"
Please stop Complimenting my kids’ “Good” Behavior goo.gl/fb/rwfojS
Hard pass from me pic.twitter.com/VayvW1eopK
I've gotten to the point where I'd let my kids summon a demon with a Ouija board before I'd let them play Monopoly together again.