Recently, I was talking to friends about how nice hot baths are and it reminded me of a time in my mid 20’s- when I was dating a guy who I thought was the hottest thing on the planet. Sadly I was constantly trying to look cool, sexy and you know- not like myself.
I had done a pretty good job when one fateful night I realized I had never gotten frisky in a tub. I lived in a home that had one of those big garden tubs with Jacuzzi knobbys and everything. I have never been a bath person…one I don’t like sitting in my own stew…two I always get too cold.
Sooo I get ready for our date and decide to light candles, put chocolate covered strawberries on the edge, scented oil stuff – you know a dreamy classy soft porn moment.
He comes in, sees the bathroom and gets very ummmmm happy in his pants? So I think “Man look at me, dorks worldwide would be proud of me!”
I undress and I am trying to do this sexy walk and step into the tub (well every woman reading this, knows I am also trying to keep my gut sucked in as well) so I have no doubt it looked like I was trying to do the robot.) So I put one foot in all dainty…give him the “come hither” look…(later I find out from him, it actually looked like I was trying to hold in a fart with a touch of a lazy eye).
My foot goes in, I lift my other leg to get in….and commence to do this motion that can only be described as windmill roller-skating. Nothing but elbows and bootyhole, arms and legs everywhere. Who knew that sexy time shower oil would make the bottom of the tub slicker than a muskrat slide?! I am flailing about screaming “SON OF A COOTERKICKER UNCLEHUMPER!!” and I hit one of the candles that flings hot wax onto my right nipple. Now… I know some dirty girls like that. This girl did not. So I go boobs first into the water, and just picture my nipple falling off looking like one of those Fourth of July snakes that turn to ash.
I roll over to save some dignity, just in time for my hair to get caught in the little jet thingys. I start screaming “ITS EATING ME! ITS EATING ME!”. The boy toy has to cut my hair out of the jets… I am still holding on to the idea that the scene wasn’t THAT bad. I mean shit happens.
I stand up and go to get out of the tub and he says “What the hell is in your ass?!” I turn to look in the mirror and there is my lovely sudsy back…with a melted chocolate covered strawberry sticking out of the crack of my ass.
Yep ladies…if you need any pointers on how to turn your man on- I’m your gal. Ok not really…the boyfriend actually got dress and left…while I rubbed aloe on my broken nipple, with hair missing from the side of my head…and debated about at least eating the other strawberries. I got a cat the next day.
Getting my hair done today! Honestly more excited that my husband has to pick up the kids from school than I am about a fresh 'do
17 Stupidly Impossible Things our Kids Think we can do that we… well… can’t. goo.gl/fb/RrkM47
The fact that this is accurate for my life means it's finally happened: I've become my mother. pic.twitter.com/xrIGOoM5Q9
Vacation season is upon is! This is just your friendly reminder that trips with kids are NOT vacations. holdinholden.com/2016/03/vaca…
If you've ever dreamed of having a smaller, angrier version of yourself that you have to argue with over booger eating, kids are for you.
Repeat for infinity while yelling "I JUST CLEANED THAT" pic.twitter.com/pmfEpm3hJU
I love it when my kid is proud of his new accomplishments. I just wish he wouldn't come into my room at 5am to yell them at me while I sleep
Don't grow up- it's a trap! holdinholden.com/2017/05/10-w…
FYI: When I said "enough with the cold weather! It's MAY! Give us heat!" I didn't mean that I wanted to take a vacation to Satan's anus.