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The Sexy Bathtub Fail to End ALL Fails!

Recently, I was talking to friends about how nice hot baths are and it reminded me of a time in my mid 20’s- when I was dating a guy who I thought was the hottest thing on the planet. Sadly I was constantly trying to look cool, sexy and you know- not like myself.

I had done a pretty good job when one fateful night I realized I had never gotten frisky in a tub. I lived in a home that had one of those big garden tubs with Jacuzzi knobbys and everything. I have never been a bath person…one I don’t like sitting in my own stew…two tubI always get too cold.

Sooo I get ready for our date and decide to light candles, put chocolate covered strawberries on the edge, scented oil stuff – you know a dreamy classy soft porn moment. 
He comes in, sees the bathroom and gets very ummmmm happy in his pants? So I think “Man look at me, dorks worldwide would be proud of me!”

I undress and I am trying to do this sexy walk and step into the tub (well every woman reading this, knows I am also trying to keep my gut sucked in as well) so I have no doubt it looked like I was trying to do the robot.) So I put one foot in all dainty…give him the “come hither” look…(later I find out from him, it actually looked like I was trying to hold in a fart with a touch of a lazy eye). 

My foot goes in, I lift my other leg to get in….and commence to do this motion that can only be described as windmill roller-skating. Nothing but elbows and bootyhole, arms and legs everywhere. Who knew that sexy time shower oil would make the bottom of the tub slicker than a muskrat slide?! I am flailing about screaming “SON OF A COOTERKICKER UNCLEHUMPER!!” and I hit one of the candles that flings hot wax onto my right nipple. Now… I know some dirty girls like that. This girl did not. So I go boobs first into the water, and just picture my nipple falling off looking like one of those Fourth of July snakes that turn to ash.
I roll over to save some dignity, just in time for my hair to get caught in the little jet thingys. I start screaming “ITS EATING ME! ITS EATING ME!”. The boy toy has to cut my hair out of the jets… I am still holding on to the idea that the scene wasn’t THAT bad. I mean shit happens.

I stand up and go to get out of the tub and he says “What the hell is in your ass?!” I turn to look in the mirror and there is my lovely sudsy back…with a melted chocolate covered strawberry sticking out of the crack of my ass.

Yep ladies…if you need any pointers on how to turn your man on- I’m your gal. Ok not really…the boyfriend actually got dress and left…while I rubbed aloe on my broken nipple, with hair missing from the side of my head…and debated about at least eating the other strawberries. I got a cat the next day.

 

This piece was written by Charisma of Former Welfare Mom’s Guide to Worldliness
Check her out on Facebook and on her blog. No, seriously. Do it. DO IT RIGHT NOW!

Posted on August 25, 2014 by Holdin' Holden 25 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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25 Comments

  • OMG that was a good laugh at your expense. Strawberry in the butt hole – didn’t see that coming. Thanks for over sharing!

    • THAT IS AWESOME!!!

      I’d have stayed and gave you a massage to help you recover.

      First date with a gal with whom I wound up living for about a year…

      She and I are sitting on my couch chatting and one of us (can’t remember who) says something funny. She laughs…I laugh…we laugh…the more she laughs the more I laugh…the more I laugh the more she laughs…momentum takes over…we’re both laughing like two maniacal evil twins bent on world domination…

      Suddenly, out of nowhere…I lose control.

      I let out the loudest poot in the history of first dates.

      This makes here turn a fairly intimidating hue of purple because she just continues to laugh and the poot gave the hilarity a nuclear boost.

      The more she laughs…the more I laugh

      The more I laugh…the more I flatulent I become

      We’re sitting there laughing our asses off and I’m machine gunning flatulence like we’re in combat.

      I think we bonded over that moment.

      Funny incidents bond…I’m a firm believer.

  • I totally lost it at strawberry… laughed so hard that I made piggy sounds even squeeled a little…almost cried from laughter. On a side note the sense of humor you have is 4 pluses wish mines had atleast 1/10th of yours.

  • I literally just laughed myself into a coughing fit! I’m pretty sure everyone in the house thinks I’ve smoked up in the bathroom before coming out here. LOL Thanks for helping me clear my lungs.

  • Hilarious! So needed to laugh after my today. Thanks for sharing.

  • That was soo funny I thought I would die…

  • I was in tears by the end. That was the funniest I have ever read on dating mishaps

  • lol I laughed so hard I cried.

  • I laughed so hard I had snot running, could hardly read it to my dad. Thank you for that. Good ending to the day!

  • OMG, I LAUGHED SO HARD. YOU ARE A BRAVE SOUL FOR SHARING THAT. I HAVE A JACUZZI AND USE IT SOME-WHAT OFTEN. THE NEXT TIME I GET IN I KNOW I WILL BE LAUGHING AND PRAYING IT DOSEN’T HAPPEN TO ME.

  • I can’t believe he left! Forgive me for saying this, but a real man would eat the strawberry and tend to the broken nipple!

    • Nor tell her that she looked like she was trying to hold in a fart with a touch of a lazy eye, when she was trying to be really sexy for HIM.

      That guy was a complete asshole… sad part is women don’t know how a man should respect them because of so many ass holes theses days. And that’s just real sad.

  • remonds me of first time attempted to make love in the shower. Boyfriend said it was like a monkey trying to hump a greased football. We broke up not long after that!

  • What an ass!!!! That was a pretty oppsies night…. but the guy you were seeing… he is definitely not worth anything. He had no respect for you what so ever… Just the way you told the story. For a starter that dummy should have been next to you to lend a hand getting into the tub. That right there was his fault. There’s more that I read that made me frustrated but by far the worst thing was. HE LEFT YOU!!!! He should have played doctor to make sure you were okay.. And then save you from feeling embarrassed and humiliation. Now I bet you will never try to do such thing again. I think if you would have had the right MAN there then this could have gone totally different. I’m so sorry you ran into an asshole.

  • lorna jane Collins fish January 22, 2015 at 4:14 pm

    I would so love to read entire books of your writing! I laughed till my eyes watered. Strawberry in the buttcrack….priceless mental image! Lol

  • HI-LAR-I-OUS! My sides hurt from laughing so hard. It’s a fine line between “sexy” & “spaz” & it sounds like you went WAAAY over that line! He probably left because he was afraid you’d hurt yourself if you kept going!!! Thanks for the laugh!

  • Thanks for the cackle!!! Pretty sure I just freaked out the children with my laughter!!! Keep it coming lady!

  • True That

  • I bet you love your cat!!!

  • Great story! I would not have left for sure! That’s classic. Gonna add my story. Me and the woman I have now had children with, had gone to a family birthday gathering in a town an hour from home. We hadn’t made a reservation as we were not sure we were not sure how late we would stay. Upon checking in at a very new hotel, we could only get the wheelchair accessible room. We proceeded to try out the very large shower complete with handrails and grab handles. As we. Continued with our mission, we hadn’t noticed that her a** had covered the drain…. There was, after a while, a knock on the door( oh. ya, I didn’t tell them about my rottweiler in the room!) and I went to answer it, to open it up to about. 12 RCMP officers! The river of overflow water was about three rooms down at this point, and when they looked at me in a towel and heard my woman getting out of the shower, they all began to laugh as I explained how fun the wheelchair shower was!!!! It turned out there was a convention for the RCMP at that hotel that weekend!! We left in the morning, sneaking out with my dog, and didn’t even try to ask for my room deposit back!!

  • That was a much needed laugh after the day I had! Koodos to you!

  • I was just reading this while holding my kiddo in my lap, I started giggling, one of those quiet laughs that just shake shake shake your body… he’s giggling because I’m shaking him, I’m giggling because this is probably exactly what would have happened to me.

  • What makes the story more hilarious is, I was reading messages on my Facebook wall, and one of my friends related a conversation she and her 9 year old had this morning. She asked her daughter if she could bring her a bag of trail mix. Her daughter asked if she had been eating it in bed last night, and she told her she had, indeed. The little girl said, “Yeah, I know…when I woke up this morning, I found a raisin in my butt crack!” Sorry the guy left. Sounds like he’s missing out on a great girl 🙂

  • That ones almost as good as the one about the woman who tried the home waxing kit and got stuck to the bottom of the tub. Hilarious. Good on her for sharing her “not so sexy tub time” moment.