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NEVER let your kids get along. IT’S A TRAP!

trapEvery morning when I wake up, I cringe. It doesn’t take long for my worst fears to be confirmed: yet again the kids are fighting before 8am. It’s no fucking wonder I’m still not a morning person!

I know, I KNOW- siblings are supposed to fight; it’s what they do. That doesn’t mean I have to like it. They’re fighting over who gets what kind of cereal or who the hell finishes it first and no matter how many times I say through gritted teeth “not everything is a competition” they’re still competing and it never ends! It’s like they get personal satisfaction out of tormenting the other but can’t handle it when they’re tormented in return.

This is one of those moments where I have to suck up my pride and admit that now I know how my mother felt. Me and my brother were some of the worst little shits on the face of the earth. He beat the snot out of me on a regular basis, and in return, I would do sneaky shit like pour water in his bed and tell my parents that he must have peed himself while sleeping. Heh… actually… that’s still pretty funny. Oh, and there was also the time he attempted to break my nose so I snapped his middle finger and he had to walk around flipping the bird for weeks. OH oh! And the time I recorded him snoring. The kids don’t KNOW any of that, though, and I certainly don’t encourage the obnoxious constant bickering. I threaten, I take things away, I tell them I’ll sell them on Craigslist and melt their Legos into a big hunk of worthless shit. Nothing stops them!

Repetitive annoyance and whining can really do a number on one’s mental state. Namely, mine. It may have caused me to overlook some warning signs. YEAH, OKAY- They were frickin’ flashing right in front of my face and I chose to ignore them. You would too! You probably already have! Don’t get all Judgy McJudgerson on me; this is the mistake ALL parents of more than one kids makes. Multiple times. Why the shit on a stick don’t we ever learn???

With all that being said, and me considering investing in a high quality wig company because I’m tearing my fucking hair out, in the rare case that they ACTUALLY get along? No hitting, no biting, no whining, no tattling? You can bet your sweet ass I encourage the shit out of it! That was my first mistake.

Tuesday morning, I was smack dab in the middle of a high intensity Zumba work out. I dogswas single-single-doubling the shit out of it! The kids had previously disappeared upstairs, and come back down with gloves and socks on their hands and feet, winter knit hats, and belts stuck in their pants. Apparently, they were pretending to be morons dogs. I guess some people might think that kind of thing is adorable, but not me. Nope. Sorry!
Crawling around the house on all fours, pissing off the actual animals on all fours, they barked and panted and it may have been enough to bring out Mean Mommy, but it had been so long since they’d done anything other than screech at each other, how could I let annoyance break up this special and very rare moment they were sharing? It was straight out of Hallmark. My precious babies! Fruits of my womb! Blossoms of my crotch! They really DO love each other after all!

Of course, right as my work out peak hit my lovey-dovey mommy peak- the shit hit the fan, and it hit the fan HARD.

Holden walks up to me on my left side. “Mommyyyyyy” he says in his best tattling voice, “Parker ate dog food and drank out of the dog bowl!”
Before I could even get out a “WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY?” Parker walked into the living room with his gloves and hat still on, and proceeded to barf all over the floor. I was so mad, shocked, disgusting, and out of breath from Zumba-ing that I nearly passed out. Meanwhile, Holden stood to the side looking all fucking smug and shit, like the fact that there was puke all over the place was funny or something. It was then I knew. I’d been PLAYED!

“CLEAN IT UP!” 
“But Parker did it! I didn’t do anything!”
“CLEAN IT UP RIGHT NOW!”
“But it wasn’t me!”
“You KNOW you egged that on! You were there with him! You probably TOLD him to do it!”
Parker , obviously feeling much better after emptying the contents of his stomach onto my carpet, nodded in agreement.
“BOTH OF YOU clean it up RIGHT NOW or you will spend the rest of the day in your rooms!”

My kid literally got down on all fours, ate out of the dog bowl, and then walked over and barfed all over the floor next to me. That seriously happened. I just…. I can’t… It is easily THE dumbest thing I’ve ever seen. And the most disgusting. And dumb.

There’s nothing more satisfying than watching your asshole kids clean up their own stupid mess. And now I have a slightly orange tinted spot on my carpet to remind me that my children NEVER really get along, and if they do, I should be TERRIFIED, because it is nothing more than an elaborate trap!

Parents of more than one child, heed my warning! Let your children bicker and fight and feud their entire childhoods and you just might make it out alive! If not you, at least your carpet will.

Posted on August 15, 2014 by Holdin' Holden 1 Comment
Holdin' Holden

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  • try using a mix of peroxide, baking soda, and dawn dish soap to get the stain out. I use that on everything that is stained and it works wonders!!