I need help, and I’m not quite sure where to turn. My children… they have gone down a very dark path to which I am not sure there is return from. I’ve tried to make them see the error of their ways; tried to make them understand how wrong, deplorable, and downright AWFUL their choices have been. I’m not sure I can even type this… they are addicted to a HORRIBLE drug: infomercials.
There are no 12 step programs or Infomercial Addicts Anonymous meetings they can attend. It all comes down to me. ALL of it!
I wish that I could say I’m surprised by this obsession of theirs, but I must now admit the horrible truth: they inherited their addiction from me. FLOAM! SPYROGRAPH! TIE-DYE ATROCITIES! I wanted them all, and I begged for them all relentlessly. My mother made me quit cold turkey by simply saying NO to every single one. Her excuse? Processing and Handling, aka scammy fucking scam. Sure, the piece of junk was only two easy payments of 9.99- AND THEY WOULD THROW ANOTHER IN WITH THE PURCHASE!!! But the “processing and handling” was 30.00. I didn’t have that kind of money! That was a small fortune to me! The only person I knew with those funds was dear ol’ Mom. I may have even been desperate enough to steal the cash and scratch my infomercial itch, but DAMNIT, you had to be 18 or older!
By the time I was 18, I was no longer interested. Golf claps for mom.
I feel like this is karmic retribution for all the times my mom told me no when I begged her for all the cheap hunks of bullshit I saw on TV. Now it’s MY turn! I have all the power! I can buy as many cheap hunks of bullshit as I want! My kids can have what I never got it! Only… now I’m a mom, and I completely understand where my mom was coming from, only she had it easy!
As seen on TV used to be ON TV AND ON TV ONLY! Of course ordering something with a higher shipping cost than the item itself is unreasonable, but damnit, now that shit is EVERYWHERE!
“No, you can’t have that. IT’S A FUCKING BLANKET WITH SLEEVES! And it costs TWICE as much to ship as it does to buy the stupid thing!”
“But Mommy, I saw it in Walgreens! So, can I have it? Can I, can I, can I??”
It’s just not right! How are they supposed to kick this horrible addiction when there is temptation on every aisle end-cap? How can I possibly convince them that they DO NOT NEED a damn blanket with a hood in the shape of an animal head, slippers that have MOUTHS, I just… I can’t even…or a pillow that fucking glows (and will likely keep them awake at night), or a stuffed animal with a blinding light shoved in its stomach, or a frickin’ chia pet shaped like Spongebob?
Until this evil corporations stop preying on children, or a group is created where we can discuss WHY we think glow in the dark bubbles that don’t glow, or a see-through birdhouse that no birds will nest in are good ideas, I’m just going to have to medicate.
Just did this yesterday and it was everything 9 year old me could have dreamed of pic.twitter.com/imYQlUmSVn
LIVE on Twitch tonight -- come say hi! twitch.tv/holdinholden
As I embark on an 11 day trip with my kids, this is especially fitting. VACATIONS WITH KIDS ARE MANUAL LABOR! holdinholden.com/2016/03/vaca…
Are you, though?? 😂😂 pic.twitter.com/Rm5L9PBuiL
When I file for divorce and people ask why I'm gonna say "I told him I felt bloated & wanted donuts and he replied 'that's not gonna help'"
Me usually: Lunch time, kids! So much to choose from! Me before a trip: You're gettin' a bread sandwich because I'm not going shopping again
How to Convince Your Fam to Watch ANYTHING you want on Netflix! goo.gl/fb/H6iZrR
We're just... uh.... wrestling.... 😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/dpAIyM88c8
When you think your kid is done telling a story and you're finally free but they immediately start telling another pic.twitter.com/zM5gtwNCnj