This may shock you, but I have had some time to sit and reflect lately. GASP! SPARE TIME?! WHAT IS THAT?? WITCHCRAFT! SORCERY!
No, just time! As much as we parents love to say we get absolutely NONE of it, we manage to find a minute or two each day where our minds wander. Whenever these moments grace my usually loud, busy, and chaotic days, I can’t help but think about my life. Where I am now, who I am now, who I used to be, and where I’m headed in the future. The path is bright, and the destination is clear, but it wasn’t that long ago that I had been reduced to nothing but hair.
Yes, hair- I was obsessed with it. Back then it was about 13 inches longer, and it had become a huge part of who I was; how I identified myself. So much so, that an entire group of people would laugh about it and only refer to me by “Hair”.
It’s okay; I was kind of a nut, and while some of those people were being hurtful, I’ve made my amends with others and we’ve move past it.
How does one become obsessed with their own hair? Honestly, I’m not sure I can answer that. I think that, at the time, I didn’t feel like I had anything else going for me. Sure, I was an active stay at home mom, so I was constantly tending to the kids, that’s SOMETHING, but it wasn’t something. Motherhood gave me a new lease on life, and a new purpose, but after years of being a mom, I began to feel like I was JUST a mom. I had this blog, but I felt like no one was really reading it; I had my first book, but I felt like it wasn’t going anywhere, and I felt this overwhelming sense of un-accomplishment with my life.
Nothing seemed like it was in my control, it was all just swirling around me and I couldn’t get a good handle on anything (including my crotchfruit)… and then there was my hair. It was mine. I could curl it, straighten it, color it, cut it, watch it grow. It was completely IN my control. I could do whatever the hell I wanted to it. The swirling stopped, and I hung on to my hair for dear life.
Because my hair was the only thing I felt I fully had a handle on in my life, it became something to focus on; the ultimate distraction. I had no idea that avoiding life was what I was doing by becoming “hair” girl, but it didn’t take me long to realize that my life had taken a dark turn. Instead of laughing and writing and enjoying, I was obsessing and bitching and complaining. Nothing good was coming in to my life because I wasn’t putting anything good out; I wasn’t even trying. It took a lot of soul searching and self-admissions, but I knew things needed to change. I needed to change. I knew in my gut that if I didn’t, if I continued along down this darkened path, I was going to waste my life and any potential I had to make my dreams, my goals, and my happiness come true.
The hair had to go.
13 inches later,
I was in a porn film I was a new person (I couldn’t help myself- who starts a sentence with “13 inches later”? snort!). It wasn’t just a weight off of my head, but off of my shoulders, off of my frickin’ SOUL. I’d rid myself of my distraction, and almost instantly, my life turned completely around. I’m not kidding!
In the end, it wasn’t my hair holding me back, it was me. I was looking for any excuse not to do what I knew needed to be done. Maybe I was worried that if I tried and failed again, it would be the last time I’d try- but I heard a quote recently, in a commercial of all things, that I think needs to be applied to all situations:
“We didn’t fail. We just discovered another wrong way to do it!”
Keep discovering wrong ways until you find the right one, what ever that may be for you. Cut that damn hair off and do it. Get rid of the stupid curtains you love but everyone else hates because you match everything around them. Junk the hideous dresser. Lose the weight on your shoulders that is holding you back from moving forward. I know you might not want to, I didn’t either, but it will be worth it.
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