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Look at all these lovely things you can blame your kids for!

The days are beginning to get shorter, and nights longer, and that can only mean one thing: The kids have almost successfully driven us COMPLETELY insane before we send their asses back to school! Okay, FINE, it means the changing of seasons, but seriously- summers are long. Hell, winters are long, too. ALL seasons are long when you have kids, and they find special ways to annoy the piss out of us during every single one, every break from school, every long weekend, every “sick” day. It’s a wonder we all survive it in one piece.

Whenever I hit a peak of annoyed-ness (now being one of them) I find that I need to seek pointout a way to decompress before I spontaneously combust. Go digging through the files of the odd cases where that has happened before; I bet you’ll find that it all comes back to one main factor: CHILDREN. It’s all their fault! Everything! Once you admit that to yourself, the pressure inflating your skull and threatning to burst starts hissing through your ears, and suddenly, you feel human once again. We don’t necessarily have to tell the KIDS these things are their fault (wouldn’t want to give them a complex, now would we?) but we can admit it to each other and relish the fact that once day, they will know it, too. The Ciiiiiiiiiircle of Liiiiiiiiiiiife! Isn’t it wonderful how it all comes full circle?

1. STRETCH MARKS– don’t even play. These aren’t gifts; they aren’t “earning our tiger stripes”, they aren’t the beauty of growing life inside you. They are STRETCH MARKS, and they’re all our kids’ fault! YEAH I SAID IT!

2. Caveman feet– Pfffff, and people told us just our noses would grow. My feet have expanded half a size or more with each kid. GOODBYE PRETTY SHOE COLLECTION, IT WAS NICE KNOWING YOU! Thanks a lot, little shits.

3. A bladder like the Thunderdome– you might walk in thinking you have a fighting chance, but pee is gonna be the one leaving!

4. SLEEP– Oh, how I long for a full 8 hours! I haven’t had that much sleep since before I got myself knocked up the first time. AND, since filling my stomach with baby, my once restful slumbers on my stomach are no longer. It’s just not the same!

5. Long leisurely drives– Remember the days when you would hop in the car and just drive? It didn’t matter if you had nowhere to go, you just wanted to hit the road and drive until you found something that made you want to stop. Nowhere you have to go, no reason you to stop, nothing to hold you back. Car rides now are more like a form of fucking torture than a relaxing way to get away. Instead of “go where the road takes us” it’s “Could this fucking traffic get out of my way before I RAM SOMEONE? STOP HITTING YOUR BROTHER! NO WE AREN’T THERE YET! STOP FUCKING FIGHTING! ARE WE THERE YET???”
Someone needs to hurry up with that teleportation shit. Like now.

6. My CAR! My wonderful beautiful almost new car… that didn’t have a big enough trunk for a stroller or two car seats. MOTHER FFFFFFFFFFartstick. Bye bye, my pretty; hello mom-mobile.

7. The death of your social life– Honestly, even the thought of getting ready and leaving the house when kids are involved is so exhausting that all I want to do is never leave. It’s finally happened. I have become a homebody. Thanks, kids!

You know what else I can blame them for?

Crapping all over my staunch belief that there is no such thing as love at first sight, the undeniable refuting of the opinion of every asshole who has ever believed that I’m nothing more than a selfish bitch, and they downright DESTROYED anyone’s belief that other people’s kids aren’t more annoying than your own. Kids are like farts, man; you can tolerate your own, but everyone else’s are unbearable! Go ahead and blame them for that, too.

Damnit! See! I’m blaming them for making this blog sappy, too. Assholes.

Posted on August 27, 2014 by Holdin' Holden 1 Comment
Holdin' Holden

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  • My ass. I blame my kids for my ass. Instead of two hours at the gym, I watch two hours of family tv and have shit kid food for lunch (rather, the shit they don’t eat that was on their plates). That many carbs has made me crave more, eat more and exercise less. Little farts!

    Ps… I have always said I don’t have the patience for other people’s kids and I get ‘the look’. Glad to see I am not alone!