A few weeks ago, my family went to the movies. Now, I know that I absolutely HAVE to go pee before a movie, even if I don’t feel like I have to, because chances are, once the opening credits roll, I’m gonna have to go if I haven’t already emptied my bladder. Ahhh, the joys of being a woman! I walked into what appeared to be an empty ladies room when I noticed one closed stall. As I passed it, I heard a “BAP!” and I just couldn’t help it, y’all. I let out a loud “HAH!” and then slapped my hand over my mouth. As soon as I got into a stall and locked the door, that poor lady ran out of the bathroom like she was breaking out of prison. When I finally got back to the theater where the kids and Thomas were seated, I was crying with laughter. That poor lady. She’ll probably NEVER pee in public again! I wanted to yell after her “WAIT! COME BACK! IT’S OKAY! I PRE-PEE FART, TOO! IT’S TOTALLY NORMAL!” but alas, she was long gone, and I didn’t get a good enough look at her shoes.
There are so many things we ladies do that horrify us because we think we are the ONLY ones on earth who do them… but we’re not.
Trust me, gals, you are NOT that weird, and your “weird” habit, action, sound, or thought, is not all that weird. I’m being serious!
After chatting with some lady friends of mine, I put together a whole LIST of these things!
1. Spend every period absolutely TERRIFIED of getting Toxic Shock Syndrome (TSS)
… even if you’ve never gotten it or known anyone who knows someone who has gotten it
2. Let out an airy fart pre-pee or post-pee
3. Put stray hairs on the walls of the shower in fun Spaghetti Monster-like shapes and then forget about them.
Consider it payback for the pubes we find in the drain… and on the toilet seat… and on the floor… and pretty much everywhere. Hoorrrrrrk!
4. Pee your pants when you sneeze, cough, laugh, or just move the wrong way. I was lucky enough to avoid this woman curse, but what I didn’t escape is having to go CONSTANTLY. Even if I don’t think I have to, I have to, and if I don’t, I will HAVE to.
5. Bite the head off of ANYONE who blames your attitude on PMS, but you use your PMS as an excuse for your attitude.
It’s like insulting your mother. ONLY you can do it. Anyone else? God help them!
6. Use a couple squares of toilet paper in emergency situations when you are out of tampons or pads.
Nothing more uncomfortable than shoving TP in your cooch, but you gotta do what you gotta do!
7. Wear shoes that are HORRIFICALLY uncomfortable just because they are cute.
Whether it be putting unused tampons in them as a lift, or cramming caveman fit into cute heels (think Stepsister from Cinderella trying to squeeze into the glass slipper)- unless you’re a woman, you can’t understand why we HAVE to do it.
8. Buy clothing or shoes you know you will NEVER wear, but absolutely HAVE to have.
You don’t understand! I NEED IT! BAD! NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!!
9. Never wear certain clothing, but can’t throw it out or give it away because you have a weird sentimental attachment to it.
But…what if I NEED it for like.. a party? No.. I’m not invited to one… but there will be one someday! Maybe!
10. The unexpected queef. Enough said.
11. Get a raging case of period poops along with every period
…which is even WORSE than the PMS that WE DO NOT HAVE!
See, ladies? You’re not so disgustingly weird after all! Well… disgusting, maybe- but you’re definitely not alone!
Getting my hair done today! Honestly more excited that my husband has to pick up the kids from school than I am about a fresh 'do
17 Stupidly Impossible Things our Kids Think we can do that we… well… can’t. goo.gl/fb/RrkM47
The fact that this is accurate for my life means it's finally happened: I've become my mother. pic.twitter.com/xrIGOoM5Q9
Vacation season is upon is! This is just your friendly reminder that trips with kids are NOT vacations. holdinholden.com/2016/03/vaca…
If you've ever dreamed of having a smaller, angrier version of yourself that you have to argue with over booger eating, kids are for you.
Repeat for infinity while yelling "I JUST CLEANED THAT" pic.twitter.com/pmfEpm3hJU
I love it when my kid is proud of his new accomplishments. I just wish he wouldn't come into my room at 5am to yell them at me while I sleep
Don't grow up- it's a trap! holdinholden.com/2017/05/10-w…
FYI: When I said "enough with the cold weather! It's MAY! Give us heat!" I didn't mean that I wanted to take a vacation to Satan's anus.