Organization? Not my thing. Meal planning? Ugh, no thanks. I’m like a child when it comes to food, and my tastes change daily- so while it might sound like an awesome idea to plan out a week of meals ahead of time, I would probably take a look at the list and hate absolutely everything on it. I’m NOT picky, I promise! I’m just… fickle. Isn’t everyone when it comes to food? The stomach wants what the stomach wants!
This organization aversion has lead to the same conversation every single day. EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. It’s driving me insane. Well… more insane than I already am, which I wasn’t really sure was possible, but apparently, it is!
In the past, I’ve tossed around advice for married couples ranging from writing honest e-mails to one another, to embroidering your spouse’s name on a pillow and threatening to suffocate them with it (what? it works!!) There is so much advice floating around these days that I make sure to be careful when to dish it; I have to be ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN the advice is solid, because the last thing the world needs is more bullshit clogging up the air.
I am about to give you what is the single most IMPORTANT marriage advice you will ever read. Even bigger than “If you love her, let her bitch”. I’m dead serious. This is for BOTH genders, not just the men of the world wondering why their women seem so angry all the time. This single tip is the KEY to a successful marriage, and a longer life… because if you don’t follow it, you’re bound to ACTUALLY get smothered with that embroidered pillow, and not just threatened with it. Hell, this might just be the single most important piece of LIFE advice. Kids, I’m looking at you, too. I’m even looking at ME. You know it’s bad when you annoy YOURSELF, and I annoy the shit out of myself with this.
Are you ready??? Here it is!
When your spouse asks you what you want for dinner, NEVER respond with “I don’t know” or “I don’t care.” DON’T FUCKING DO IT! DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!
There are no recipes for either of those things. Trust me, I’ve looked. If I get to the point where I’m asking someone else what they want, it means I have already gone through all of the possible options in my head, cursed at the cabinets and the fridge, even lowered my standards and STILL cannot come up with anything appetizing and NEED your input. “I don’t know” is the single least helpful thing you can say in that situation. You could say “monkey balls” and it would be more helpful than “I dunno.” At least it would inject some comedy back into an already infuriating situation.
The “I don’t know” “Well I don’t know either!”
argument conversation never ends well. Once you go from hungry to HANGRY, you’re so frustrated that nothing even sounds appetizing anymore, which makes you even MORE hangry and all you want to do is Hulk smash the fuck out of someone. That someone being the “I don’t know”er.
When in doubt, just answer with PIZZA. You can’t go wrong with pizza.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you!
I've never had a near death experience, but I DID find 2 spiders in my house this morning, and that's pretty much the same thing.
If you like to be constantly criticized over your peanut butter to jelly ratio on sandwiches, being a parent is definitely for you.
It's called "Mom Tax" and it applies to ALL SWEETS OBTAINED BY CHILDREN pic.twitter.com/VExGwIOdBn
Live now on Twitch! Come hang out! twitch.tv/holdinholden
How I Unwind the Kids During Summertime goo.gl/fb/bqcdoV
Kid: When do I get the tablet back? Me: Thursday aftern--- Kid: *Yelling* I'LL NEVER GET IT BACK! Me: Okay, I guess never, then. #kidlogic
Being an adult is stupid. pic.twitter.com/ghkAP7UbIt
Me watching #AmericanNinjaWarrior: HAHA weak ass grip strength! Also me: Can't open a pickle jar.