I know that my view of the world has changed dramatically since having children of my own, but I like to think I’m still a kid at heart! I like to have fun! I love roller coasters and water slides! I still find fart humor funny! I enjoy cartoons! FINALLY, now, we get to do all of those outdoor things we couldn’t do when we were freezing our nipples off! Hooray for Summer! It’s my favorite time of year!
Or…. is it?
Every summer since procreating, I get excited. REALLY EXCITED. I get to relive some of my favorite things from childhood, and it’s totally acceptable because now I HAVE children to do these things with. YESSSSSS!
I fill up the pool, pull out the bubbles, set up the sprinkler, secure the slip & slide to the ground, marvel at the swingset that is ALMOST done being put together (and already able to be safely played on) and then take a step back to look at my kiddie wonderland. I used to spend HOURS slipping and sliding. I even greased up the thing with some dish soap so they could really fly! The idea of running through a sprinkler for hours would get my giddy all those years ago. Watching MY kids have fun the way I used to? There’s no way this could go wrong!
The kids came running out in their swimsuits, squealing about how it was going to be the BEST DAY EVER. I was pretty confident that they were right.
On goes the sprinkler, which is hooked to the slip and slide to keep a constant stream of water over the whole thing for proper sliding, and IMMEDIATELY, it erupts. No more sprinkler over the slip and slide. NO BIGGIE. The ones I used when I was little weren’t all new fangled with a built in sprinkler system. We’ve got this mofo greased up like John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever! It’s still gonna be slide city up in this bitch!
Holden gets back for a running start. Ready….. Set!….. No.
It was a catastrophe.
Slide and slide is a slip and JOKE! Even with ten pounds of dish soap all over that thing, neither kid could manage to slide from the beginning to the end (where the victory pool of water is). Still, they kept trying over, and over, and OVER again, screaming and laughing and having a grand ol’ time. Holden even got a huge red patch of Slip & Slide burn on his stomach (like rug burn, but stupider)- all while I watched with a pained look on my face.
I used to think THIS was FUN?
Was I smoking crack?
That was when I looked at all of my other childhood summer fun activities with the parenting eye. The swingset the kids climb up and slide down repeatedly for hours? How the fuck much fun can a little slide be after the 5th time? It’s not like it has loops. It’s not like it changes each time you go down it to keep it interesting. Frickin’ Parker chipped a TOOTH on that damn thing and wore a hole in his knee because apparently you only have swimgset skills if you can climb UP the slide. Color me unimpressed.
The sprinkler? IT’S A SPRINKLER! IT WATERS GRASS! GRASS DOES NOT MOVE. THIS IS NOT FUN! THIS IS NOT AN ACTIVITY!
Have I just become a lame party pooper who is old and grumpy and no longer finds fun in the simple things? Or…. are kids just dumb?
You know what would be fun this summer? Going back inside where there’s air conditioning.
Best compliment you can give me is to tell me you hope your future kids turn out like mine. I mean, you're lying, but it's a nice compliment
Where you should be spending your Saturday night twitch.tv/holdinholden
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