How hard are women to understand? Take all of the stereotypical assumptions away before you answer that question.
Not every emotional reaction from us is due to “hormones” or being on our periods. Many of our problems CAN in fact be solved with chocolate, but if you offer it and say “Maybe this will make you act normal again”, you might want to cover your junk, because it will get punched. Or kicked. Or slapped. Yes, we are stubborn. No, NOT all of us have a ticking biological clock, so you don’t need to repeatedly ask when we’re going to begin procreating, or when we will be procreating again. Yes, we DO all like to be told we’re pretty- but don’t fucking bullshit us. We can smell it from a mile away.
When it comes to a gender that often gets labeled as hormonal psychopaths hellbent on world domination by the orders of their uteri- the above paragraph doesn’t seem so bad, now does it?
Compliment us, give us chocolate, and don’t make any mother-badword uterus jokes. EASY PEASY! Life is grand!
Even if you mess ALL of the above up, and shove chocolate into a woman’s face, say “I hope this is like those Snickers commercials where you’ll turn back ‘normal’ once you eat this, because your uterus is making you a REAL bitch today!” and tell her she looks insanely bloated, all while she’s on her period- there is still ONE thing you can do to stop yourself from being beaten to death with a purse. That’s right- there IS a way to save yourself from imminent demise!
Read this part very carefully, because it is IMPERATIVE to your health and your relationship that you do. This is the one piece of advice about women that ALL men (and even some other women) need to know. NEED. TO. KNOW.
Do I have your attention now? Good, because here is your saving grace:
LET HER BITCH.
If you love her, just let the woman bitch!
You might not understand it, but bitching feels GOOD. There is nothing that cleanses the soul quite like a good old fashioned bitch-fest. We aren’t whining, we don’t want you to be our knight in shining armor, we don’t need you to FIX it, we don’t even need you to respond other than nodding your head- we just want to bitch!
As stereotypical as it sounds, I truly do believe we women are bursting with emotions pretty much all the time; far different than the typical male, who often remains stoic and would rather eat rhinoceros boogers than be seen crying by, well, anyone.
Let’s put it this way- we are like a covered pot about to boil over at all times, and there comes a point where we HAVE to release some of the steam under the lid or we will literally explode. You don’t want us to do that. That is why men think women are crazy. You can solve the crazy problem.
It doesn’t have to be about anything life-changing; It doesn’t really have to be about anything at ALL- we just need to let that shit out, and at times, you are going to have to be the sounding board. Sorry. Don’t interrupt with silly things like fact or reason; we don’t give a floating fart in space about EITHER of those things. We don’t want to hear it! We just want to hear ourselves sounding like a raging psycho for a couple of minutes. You don’t have to understand it, you just have to let it happen. It’s that simple.
Once it’s out, it’s over. We aren’t going to walk around raging all day about it- bitching is a quick and painless release, and as long as it gets released, we won’t be taking it out on your dangly parts. We feel better, and your wiener doesn’t feel worse. Everyone wins!
Your balls will thank me later.
KIDS ARE TURDS Book Signing- Saturday May 7th in Newport News, VA goo.gl/fb/x70IYa
8yo: If I don't eat RIGHT now, I'm going to start eating myself! Me: Make sure you use salt. You're probably pretty bland tasting.
@erensdaily I won't allow that nonsense, haha
Me: There are towels in the dryer! Husband: ....that probably smell like mildew Me: No! I had to wash them twice, but I made sure!
Blog: Diamonds are a girl's best friend? NOPE! But I'll tell you what is (and I think you'll agree!) holdinholden.com/2015/06/diam…
And just when I thought I'd heard it all- that there were no surprises left for me as a mom, my kid referred to me as "The Ball-less wonder"
Snorting over how classy this makes my book sound!If you live near Newport News, VA come see me at B&N next weekend! pic.twitter.com/VkBkTkA72O