No matter how I write this blog, someone is going to take offense to it. Somehow the world went from being open and honest and accepting, to judgmental and butthurt, and honesty went floating out the window. As a person who thrives on honesty, this drives me nuts. We can’t say what we used to be able to, can’t make the jokes we used to make, can’t do ANYTHING without someone getting upset over it.
What I am about to say has become taboo again, and I can’t for the life of me understand why, because I think it’s completely natural and understandable, and NOT saying it, NOT being honest about it does more harm than good:
I don’t like my kid.
Take a moment. I think if we’re being completely honest with ourselves, we all have these moments. Maybe for an hour, a day, a week. We wish we didn’t, but we do.
Six has proven to be a pretty rough age for Holden. He excelled in school, but emotionally, he just kind of lost it. Maybe it’s that his brother just won’t leave him alone when he’s home. Maybe I’m not giving him enough of the kind of attention he wants but doesn’t make known. Maybe he hates my cooking. Maybe he’s annoyed that I complain about his constant deadly farting. Maybe we just spend too much time together now that it’s summer time and he’s home all day every day. I don’t know what it is- but it causes an astronomical amount of friction between us. Even more than when I wanted him to unleash his bowels in the toilet and he found it more enjoyable to do so into a fresh diaper.
As a mom, I do my best to pick my battles wisely, but he has been making it incredibly hard not to flip the bitch switch into MEAN OL’ MOMMY mode. I hate it just as much as he does.
Unfortunately, I am human, and sometimes I cannot control my feelings, and my feelings right now tell me that I just don’t like Holden. That wasn’t an easy statement to type- but I’m not ashamed that I typed it here for everyone to see. I don’t like him, and I’ve let him know it.
Growing up, I was never really told that there was gray area when it came to feelings. We weren’t a mushy family; “I love you”s weren’t thrown around often… or really, ever. It was love, or hate, nothing in between. This, I believe, is one of the greatest mistakes my parents ever made, if not THE greatest.
If my mom and I had a bad day, I wouldn’t just think she didn’t like the way I was acting. I thought she hated me. And I thought I hated her. Our relationship was strained for the 19 years I had her here with me. Looking back I have to wonder; had I been taught that I was allowed to dislike someone I loved without the love being damaged- would our relationship have been better? Would we both have been happier? Would I not have chosen to be in so many damaging relationships?
The world is full of colors, and even shades of gray are beautiful. Nothing good can come from only teaching children black and white.
So yes, my kid knows that I don’t like him right now. He needs to! We should all know when we’re being so turdtacular that the people who love us don’t like us very much, that way we can correct the turdy behavior. He also knows that my love is unfaltering and NEVER questions whether or not I still love him even when I don’t like him. I always and forever will love that kid. Even when he’s acting like a little shit.
It’s okay not to always like your kid. They are human, after all, and all humans are spectacularly flawed- including us parents. I think it’s time we all accept that.
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