WHY an “isms” blog now? Well… I need to remind myself that my kids make me laugh, because it isn’t even the first week of summer and they have already driven me to the brink of sanity and are tap-dancing on my last nerve. AUUGGGGHHHHHHH!! I am not sure I am going to last through the summer, and the only thing that can save me is humor!!!
Hopefully, you will find these amusing as well! Here are some of the funniest, weirdest, and most RIDICULOUS things my kids have said over the course of the past few months:
Random lady at the post office: *to Parker*: You are so handsome!
Parker: No! I am a NINJA!
*in the car with the kids, chatting about our dogs*
Me: Yeah, your brother over there likes being mean to them.
Holden: Well, maybe that’s because they always dart.
Holden: *heavy sigh* Dart. Dog Fart. Get it?
WELL EXCUSE THE FUCK OUTTA ME for not knowing the slang term for canine ass excretions! Damn whipper snappers and their weird new abbreviations for everything!
As me and the Parker were running errands one day, he asked why I was driving “so slow” and I explained to him about traffic laws and safety and police and tickets and he stopped me in the middle of my painfully long explanation and summed adulthood up in five simple words: “Being an adult is LAME!”
Damn skippy, it is!
And now for a joke SO-horribly-awful-and-cheesy-but-you-laugh-and-feel-dumb-for-laughing is brought to you by Holden:
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
Because it wasn’t PEELING well!
There’s nothing that starts a morning off the right way quite like your sweet little 6 year old announcing “I’m starting to grow pecker hair!!!”
Whenever we eat out, I feel like I should apologize to fellow diners. Not because my kids are misbehaved, but because Parker always does something weird and embarrassing. The last time was because Parker yelled “PIGS DIED FOR THIS BACON!!!” before slamming a strip into his face like a viking while out at breakfast one morning.
Speaking of eating out- I’m gonna wager a bet that when our waiter clocked into work one night we were out, he didn’t expect to have a 4 year old yell “MY MOMMY WRITES A BLOG ABOUT POOP!” at him only to return a few minutes later and see this poop blogging mom drawing a turd on the coloring sheet he’d given the kids.
Thanks to Great Wolf Lodge, I have yet another thing to add to the “Never in my life thought I would hear that and hope to never hear it again!” list that is rapidly growing:
Holden: I think there’s a hidden Mickey in the bathroom!
Me: This isn’t Disney World. There’s no hidden Mickeys here.
Holden: The hidden Mickey is IN MY POOP!
Me: *walks away*
Aren’t children wonderful??
Parker got a bit of a tummy ache after the cookout at my brother’s a few weeks ago and went inside and blew the bathroom UP!!! When he came back out I warned everyone that he was having some stomach trouble and the kid stops in his tracks, throws his hands up in the air in exasperation and says “So I have diarrhea! So what???” and walks away shaking his head. I died.
Things I could die happily without EVER hearing again:
My kid singing “Everything is awesome!” from the Lego movie… in the bathroom…while pushing out a turd.
Parenthood; the wonders never cease.
Me: *gigantic belch* ‘scuse me
Parker: *huffs* MOMMY! You HAVE to say excuse me when you burp! It’s against the law AND illegal!
Me: …but…I did!
Why are they so cute when they’re being such little shits?? Ah yes. To keep us from being true to our animal selves eating them. I remember now!
I watched the dog basically assault Holden (playfully, duh) as he yelled “GET AWAY YOU DIRTBAG!” and Parker very calmly interjects with “No. She’s a doodoobag.” and I pretty much died.
If you have never had your lovely peaceful cup of coffee interrupted by a child asking “What does diarrhea taste like?” you have not lived!!
Thank you, Parker.
One day when I picked up Holden from school, he began to tell me all about field day.
Holden: bla bla bla, water balloons, OH- and we watched Frozen!
Me: Oh yeah? Neat! Did everyone sing along?
Me: Did you sing along?
Holden: *gets stern look on face* I sang the loudest. LET IT GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: *craps pants*
Okay, I didn’t, but that shit was hilarious! The kid takes his Disney movies VERY seriously.
Parker: Mommy, does your agent know my name?
Me: Well, she’s read my book, and my book is about you and your brother- so probably.
Parker: Did you tell her that I eat my boogers?
Me: Why would I tell her that?
Parker: and that I eat the boogers that look like stretchy noodles coming out of my nose?
That kid. I swear.
Holden: Can we get a new magna-doodle?
Holden: The one I have lost the pen!
Thomas (from another room): The last time I saw it, it was in your butt!
Holden: *bends over* Here, Mommy. I hope you get poop scabs in your mouth!
And now for another joke told by a child that is so PAINFULLY cheesy that you in NO way should EVER laugh at, that you have to laugh at just because your kid told it and they’re laughing so hard that it makes you laugh, and then you feel dumb for laughing, brought to you by Holden:
What does a fish put on his peanut butter sandwich?
Definition: when your underwear gets stuck to your pecker
Apparently this is a thing. Parker wanted you to know.
Until next time (and you know there will be, and it will probably be even fucking weirder)!
I'm either "I HAVE 3 FRIES LEFT DON'T TOUCH MY PLATE!" or "Please take this so I can't eat any more of it!" There is no in-between.
Dear people writing articles on ways to get siblings to get along, I'll save you the time. The answer is "Don't let them play together"
Please stop Complimenting my kids’ “Good” Behavior goo.gl/fb/rwfojS
Hard pass from me pic.twitter.com/VayvW1eopK
I've gotten to the point where I'd let my kids summon a demon with a Ouija board before I'd let them play Monopoly together again.