Before you approach a woman and ask how far along she is, I just have one question for you:
Do you have a death wish?
I’m quite certain a blog of this nature has been done time and time again (hell, I’ve even written one about what men should not say to women if they want to keep their testicles), but when I saw a post from a friend pop up in my newsfeed about how she was asked how far along she is, I knew I had to take a stab at it to. Did I mention that my friend is NOT pregnant? That combined with the memories of being the most miserable pregnant person on the planet, twice, and I think I’m just the person to tell you what not to say, do, or even THINK when it comes to pregnancy (or the lack thereof).
We women are hard on ourselves already, the last thing we need is reason to feel even more uncomfortable in our own skin. Plus, not many of us can afford bail money for when we haul off and punch someone in the face for making a stupid ass comment- so let’s just try to avoid a situation such as that altogether, shall we?
Never ever EVER ask a woman “When are you due?” – Not even if she’s rubbing her belly in a seemingly maternal way. Maybe she just had taco bell and is massaging the knives of gas shooting through her stomach. Maybe you just saw someone talking to her stomach like there’s a miniature human in there. Maybe she’s even buying prenatal vitamins- the answer is still NEVER. I don’t care if there is a baby crowning and waving at you from her lady bits- do not ask!
“You look like you’re ready to pop!” -yeah, pop you in the damn face!
Prepare for a slow and painful death if you ever utter the words “Wow, you’re huge! Are you sure it isn’t twins?” to a pregnant woman.
“I guess it really is true that a woman’s face expands during pregnancy!” is certain to get you junk-punched or tit-kicked. She knows her face is wide. She was hoping you wouldn’t notice; and by not notice, I mean NOT SAYING ANYTHING ABOUT IT. Water retention is a bitch, and so are you.
“You haven’t lost the baby weight yet?” Go. Just go.
If a pregnant chick tells you she feels like shit, do NOT tell her she is glowing. That whole “glowing” thing is nothing but a crock. She knows you’re full of shit, and you just confirmed that she looks exactly how she feels. Way to go!
Do not, under ANY circumstances, get all Close Encounters of the Third Kind and reach out and touch a belly you believe to be pregnant, unless you’re the one who put the baby in there. When in doubt, remember the immortal words of MC Hammer- “Can’t touch this!”
Last, but certainly not least, NEVER under ANY circumstances look at a baby-filled belly and say “That is going to be one BIG baby!”
The last thing a woman wants to think about as she nears her due date is the fact that she has a gargantuan vagina destroying monster about to explode its way out of her, and now you have a flashing target on your face.
I’m not saying that in order to avoid this situations you should just avoid all women completely… actually, yes. Yes I am. Even if you are a woman.
“Don’t try to understand women. Women understand women and that’s why they hate each other.”
Every. single. time. pic.twitter.com/qxy23khtts
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The closest I've come to public nudity is when my kid opened the bathroom door on me at Starbucks.