There are as many different parenting styles as there are crayon colors- but those don’t always match our online personas.
Some of us (ahem, me) post about just about anything, and some are more careful about the image they put on the world wide web for the whole wide world to see. Even though we may all be INSANELY different, we all fall into certain categories when it comes to the internet. Don’t believe me? I’ll break it down for you! I guarantee you are either one of these kinds of moms, or know one (or twelve) of these!
1. The overachiever mom
Applying for Super-Mom status, this chick is CRAZY busy with life-improving tasks. She’s trying to get her doctorate, running a business out of her home while working full time outside the home and carting the kids around to various activities all. the. time. You’re exhausted just reading her damn updates.
2. The oversharer mom
Her kid took two adult sized dumps that smelled like rotting penguin carcass in the big kid potty today, hooray! How do you know this? Because she posted about it both times. You’re just thankful she didn’t accompany the posts with pictures. Or did she?! She just fucking might!
3. The one-upper mom
Everything you or your kids do, she and her kids do better. Your little nugget finally wrote their name without help? Well, HERS wrote THEIR name in CURSIVE without help a year ago! Gah, get with the program!
4. The one-downer mom
Have a snotty hacking Outbreak monkey in place of your kid? Well, didn’t you know HER kid has the bubonic fucking plague? Amateur.
Why ANYONE would want to one-down is beyond me, but they are out there!
5. The obnoxiously perky mom
Up and at it at 5am! This is gonna be a GREAT day, y’all! I just have so much energy! I hope you all have a WONDERFUL day!
You don’t hate her, but you just wanna ruin her day, just once with a water balloon to the head. You’re pretty sure she’d go from perky to sporky in two seconds flat. Getting a spork in the thigh would be totally worth watching her crack!
6. The seemingly Super-Mom
Super-Mom!! She can leap tall buildings in a single bound, race a speeding bullet to its target, bend steel in her bare fucking hands!! Okay, she can’t really do any of those things- but SOMEHOW she manages to run a marathon, deep scrub the entire house, help the kids build a working rocket ship, and cook a 4 course meal without even breaking a sweat. HOW DOES SHE DO IT?! It’s freakish.
7. The crazy craft mom
She’s like MacGuyver with a vagina. Haha, you just went and spent $20 on something she made out of wine corks and old toilet paper rolls!
8. The know-it-all mom
She’s got an answer for everything, like she’s had 57 kids and therefore is the ultimate source of parental knowledge. WE BOW BEFORE YOU, OH PARENTING GURU! You long for the day where you will know something she doesn’t… but she’d never admit to that.
9. The Braggy mom
Oh, the braggy mom. All she does is brag, and doesn’t even seem to notice she’s doing it, which means she never STOPS doing it. She may be your friend, but she ticks you the hell off. There is a fine line between bragging and UUGGGHHHHBRAGGING. Braggy mom crosses it daily.
Timmy get a gold star in school today? Best believe you’re gonna hear about it. Don’t avert your eyes, because it’s gonna get crammed down your throat whether you like it or not! Sit back and accept the brag, you don’t really have a choice. Little Timmy is just THE best kid ever! EVER! No comparison! He’s just so awesome in every single way. Oh man, did you hear what we did today? We went on this AMAZING trip and we just had the BEST time, I got to buy everything I want and my kids were so lovely and polite and we got complimented, and I’m so sorry you sat home on the couch bored. Sucks to be you. But me? I had a blast. Yep. Oh, and I got free ice cream!
10. The perfect and perfectly nice Mom
She’s sweet, kind, giving. She always looks amazing, her house always looks amazing, and she never brags, one-ups, condescends, or acts like a total twatbag to anyone else- even if they are completely different from her. You think she’s the BEST mom ever, you wish you could be more like her, aaaaaand you kinda hate her a little. STOP BEING SO DAMN PERFECT YOU’RE MAKING THE REST OF US LOOK BAD!
11. The thinks-she’s-perfect Mom
The good ol’ PEEPEE- Perfect Parent. She truly and honestly believes (or has tricked herself into believing… or is just nuts) that children are never and should never be misbehaved- hers certainly aren’t. They are perfect and amazing and she is perfect and amazing and anyone who says otherwise SUCKS. Maybe you should just be a better parent and then your kids wouldn’t whine!
12. The Assertive advice giving Mom
Cousin to the Know it all mom, this mom will give you advice on EVERYTHING, only… you never asked.
So, which mom are you? I bet we’ve each dipped a toe into every single one of these from time to time instead of cannonballing in, or… that’s what we’ll tell ourselves anyway!
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