We may not get what we want for our birthdays, maybe we were a little disappointed- if we’re being honest- with ourselves, about what we got for Christmas- but Mother’s Day, in my opinion, is in a league of its own as far as “holidays” go. It’s not just the day we celebrate the fact that we shot a baby out of our crotch, had one ripped from our insides, or brought one into our lives- but a day to appreciate the multitude of BULLSHIT we moms put up with for the other 364 days of the year. Needless to say, a celebration of sorts is deserved. But do we ever ask for one? No, we don’t. We (mostly) thanklessly live Mother’s Day as if it were just another no-big-deal day, maybe with a card, maybe with some flowers, a few smooches and hugs and if we’re REALLY lucky, a dinner out- and all with a smile on our faces, for that is our job. Ruler. Matriarch. Keeper of peace. Our crown locked tightly within, for we only use it to lord over those residing in our kingdom when shit hits the fan, and thanks to our successful dictatorship, that doesn’t happen often. Go us!
Knowing all those things, after careful consideration, I have come up with the BEST Mother’s Day gift of all time for moms of school-aged kids. Ever. And forever. Nothing will ever be better than this, and nothing else will ever be acceptable again.
Come Mother’s Day morning, we should be pampered. And I’m not talking “Here’s a warm pop tart and why don’t you go get yourself a manicure, honey” Ohhhhh no. I’m talking a full home-made breakfast in bed, coffee, fresh baked muffin, and assortment of fruit. Oh, and a mimosa. From that moment on, anything that comes out of anyone’s mouth should be positive. “Mommy, you look more beautiful than a Disney princess” or “Mommy is the fairest of them all” will do nicely.
The whole house shall be cleaned while the Mother sits with her feet up, eating chocolate, and reading trashy magazines. On second thought, one family member should be rubbing the Mother’s feet while the others deep-clean, dust, and scrub every nook and cranny.
There shall be shopping, without any “you’re spending THAT much on (insert gorgeous fashionable item here)??” commentary.
The mother will not lift a finger to prepare any kind of meal, but a delicious one shall be served- whether at home or out, without anyone complaining about the amount, flavor, or place.
Gifts will be bestowed upon the mother; whether it be macaroni school-made gifts, or lavish tiaras- it had better be SOMETHING, or you will be scorned from there until eternity.
The mother will be fed as a small child is fed; food cut up, spoons lifted, chin dabbed. In fact, the mother should not even have to wipe her own ass for one day. It should be done by the children as a form of early payback. Dry toilet paper AND wet ones must be used.
Okay, I’m totally fucking kidding. Most moms, while any of the above aside from the butt wiping would be nice, don’t really have a deep desire for any of the above. We’re more realistic than that! Just give us some chocolate, or some cheesecake, or some chocolate cheesecake, let us pee in peace and watch what we want on the damn boob tube, and don’t whine! That is truly ALL we all really want! Though I am sure some people thought all of the RIDICULOUSNESS above was accurate- we moms aren’t that needy, greedy, or crazy. We wipe other people’s butts for a living- how complicated and/or fancy can we REALLY be?
Every. Single. Time. pic.twitter.com/aAAWWjdrN3
I'm either "I HAVE 3 FRIES LEFT DON'T TOUCH MY PLATE!" or "Please take this so I can't eat any more of it!" There is no in-between.
Dear people writing articles on ways to get siblings to get along, I'll save you the time. The answer is "Don't let them play together"
Please stop Complimenting my kids’ “Good” Behavior goo.gl/fb/rwfojS
Hard pass from me pic.twitter.com/VayvW1eopK
I've gotten to the point where I'd let my kids summon a demon with a Ouija board before I'd let them play Monopoly together again.