Signs that you are a NORMAL mom


It wasn’t that I forgot; while I love to use “mom brain” as a way to explain many of the idiotic things I do or say, or DON’T do- I couldn’t this morning. I just didn’t FEEL like it, damnit. I didn’t feel like moving the clothes from the washer to the dryer. There is only so much laundry one person can do without getting paid before they start to feel like they are losing their minds because it totally seems possible that the clothes are secretly breeding and therefore the laundry will NEVER be done.

And so, like any responsible adult- I just decided not to do any more. That’ll show that horny dirty laundry!! That was… oh…. three days ago. Oops.

When I finally mustered up the energy to make the switch, I realized that the weather has been pretty warm for the past few days. Double oops. I took one whiff and knew I had failed. MILDEW!! After grumbling for a minute, I restarted the wash. Back to the damn beginning!

Pre-parenthood, I would have snorted about. Lazy mom! How hard is it to just move the laundry from the washer to the dryer? It’s not brain surgery! Come to think of it, there are plenty of things that I find myself doing (or avoiding) that I would have judged way back when. Things that NOW I know are all a part of NORMAL parenthood. Not laziness, or being unfit- and while deep down I know that to be true, sometimes I can’t help but feeling a teensy tiny bit like I am all the things younger me would call me. That little part of me is wrong. And if you have that bitchy little voice yapping in your head, then this list is for you!

Here are the signs that you are a NORMAL mom (so stop beating yourself up, damnit!)

– You wear the same outfit two days in a row, because who in the hell saw you anyway? Like washing the dishes is really dirtying up my clothes. Psh.

– You still do the “smell test” with your family members’ clothes, even though you’ve seared nose hair off by the horrid stench MULTIPLE times before and should really know better.

– You “forget” to move the laundry from the washer to the dryer. For days.

– Once you do, you restart the dryer because you don’t feel like folding it. Three times. In a  row.

– You take 5,000 photos of your kid/s playing, they all look exactly the fucking same, but you can’t bear to delete any of them.

– You threaten to any or all of the following: trade your kid/s to the gypsies, take them back to the cabbage patch, trade them in at the baby factory for a new model because they are obviously defective, sell them on Craigslist, even research the going rate for a-holey kids.

– You don’t like other people’s kids

– Some days you don’t even like your OWN kid/s.

– You’ve ever given in to a bratty whiny kid’s demands

– You’ve ever bribed your kid to do what you tell them to, to be quiet, to pick up their crap, sleep in later, stop saying a certain word, to go to bed, to just “STOP FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING!”

These things don’t make you a crappy, lazy, good-for-nothing, mean, overbearing, annoying, pooptacular mom- even if younger me would disagree. Younger me was an idiot. These things make you HUMAN, and even the most patient of humans finds kids annoying as fuck sometimes. Yeah, I said it! True is true! Don’t let mom guilt get to you! You CAN, however, let my rhyming get to you. That was almost as obnoxious as my spawn.

Posted on May 5, 2014 by Holdin' Holden 3 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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  • Yeah…. *shakes head* Yeah…

    At least I know I’m not alone… Thank the gods.

  • The threats make me laugh because I’ve taken to telling my 2 yr old If she doesn’t go to sleep I’ll toss her into the “lava” on the side of the bed

  • I just lost my shit with both my kids because they wanted to do a “sleepover” and wouldn’t GO TO FUCKING SLEEP and I am TRYING to write a book! I think I screamed much louder than necessary because ohmygod I just want like two hours of quiet to think! DOES THAT MEAN I’M NORMAL TOO???