What is it about vaginas that gets them such a bad rap? Bad mood? Blame the vag. Fight with a man? Must be the vag! Man tries to resist yet falls in love- totally the vag. And it’s not just men doing the finger pointing. As much as we ladies hate it when someone suggests that what is or isn’t going on with our vagina is the cause of all of our lovely moods, we blame each other’s vaginas for the same thing. “Oh, she must be on the rag”– WHO EVEN USES A RAG THESE DAYS?? “She has sand in her vagina!” “someone needs to get laid” “her vagina is like the town bicycle, everyone gets a ride!” I swear I’m not going for a record for how many times I can put the word “vagina” in one paragraph. Vagina vagina vagina!
Seriously- what does my vagina have to do with the level of trust you can put in me as a person? That is the single most innocently dirty sentence I have ever written.
As a human with a vagina, I find myself offended at the notion that everything is the vagina’s fault. Hell, I’m offended for vaginas everywhere! Ladies, vaginas, lend me your ears!
I’m not gonna go all Vagina Monologues on you. I don’t want to “reclaim” the P word; I don’t even want to type it! I like having shaved legs and wearing makeup and all of the other extra stuff that comes along with being a female… except for periods. Fuck those things. I’m a fan of being a girl- and I just think that if everything is going to be blamed on our lady parts no matter what we do or say or how loud we protest… why not use it to our advantage? WHY THE HELL NOT?!
If they think we really possess “Devil Vagina Magic”; that all vaginas have some mysterious hypnotic effects on men that “makes” them do things and act ways they usually wouldn’t….why not run with it?
It certainly seemed to work on Thomas the other night. DON’T BE DIRTY! The man tripped over what I can only describe as “thin air” and immediately blamed me. Me, who was sitting on the couch minding my Facebook feed and twiddling my thumbs. “WHAT DID YOU DO?!” he accused. After attempting to use truth and logic, that I had done nothing and could have done nothing because my ass was planted over 5 feet away, I decided to use my DVM to shut him up.
“I’m sorry, it must have been my Devil Vagina Magic.”
He paused. Obviously that was not an answer he expected. “Oh. Well. That explains things”
BOOM! DEVIL VAGINA MAGIC WIN! Just think- if it can deflate pointless marital arguments, it is safe to assume that DVM could CONQUER THE WORLD, ONE MOOSE-KNUCKLE AT A TIME!
Can you feel that? The ultimate cosmic vaginal POWER!!!
I’m done being crazy now. I’m not really interested in control of the world, or taking down the moose-knuckles with a steel-camel-toed boot. What I AM saying is that if vaginas are going to take all kinds of beatings, whether they be verbal or… well… other… there’s nothing wrong with turning it into a positive! Embrace that Devil Vagina Magic, ladies!
Frying pans. Who knew, right? pic.twitter.com/usSQcFGpmI
Just did this yesterday and it was everything 9 year old me could have dreamed of pic.twitter.com/imYQlUmSVn
LIVE on Twitch tonight -- come say hi! twitch.tv/holdinholden
As I embark on an 11 day trip with my kids, this is especially fitting. VACATIONS WITH KIDS ARE MANUAL LABOR! holdinholden.com/2016/03/vaca…
Are you, though?? 😂😂 pic.twitter.com/Rm5L9PBuiL
When I file for divorce and people ask why I'm gonna say "I told him I felt bloated & wanted donuts and he replied 'that's not gonna help'"
Me usually: Lunch time, kids! So much to choose from! Me before a trip: You're gettin' a bread sandwich because I'm not going shopping again
How to Convince Your Fam to Watch ANYTHING you want on Netflix! goo.gl/fb/H6iZrR
We're just... uh.... wrestling.... 😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/dpAIyM88c8