Parenthood changed my life in MANY ways; most of which I really love, but some were unexpected, and kind of… well… annoying? I’m not sure that’s the right word, but I sure don’t appreciate things that I once found fun suddenly being HORRIFYING. Has that ever happened to anyone out there? One day you love something, then you pop out a kid, and the next- because of that kid- the once fun thing is ruined? RUINED I SAY!!!
This thought occurred to me while I was out shopping over the weekend. It was the ONE thing I wanted to do for Mother’s Day. Just let a girl shop for a bit! We’ll even go get a special treat if FOR THE LOVE OF GOD FOR ONCE you are well behaved, kids! They have never been worse. We were at “HOLY SHIT” levels of parental embarrassment. Holden & Parker were not alone in their tantrums, it seemed other children were being “tortured” by shopping too, but damn.
I’ve got a not-so-shiny penny that says some of you feel exactly the same way. Don’t worry, I don’t require payment- just nods of approval and an all-knowing sigh!
Here is just SOME what being a parent ruined for me. Damn kids.
1. Law & Order SVU
Ohhhhh, Dick. Wolf. Dick Wolf- the creator, you pervs! Years ago I used to sit around on the weekends and watch day-long SVU marathons. These days, if I even HEAR that familiar CHING-CHING, I make a dash for the remote as fast as humanly possible. I didn’t even know I could move that fast! Just the THOUGHT of one of my children in one of those situations… nightmares.
Remember long leisurely drives with the windows down, music cranked, wind blowing through your hair until it knotted into a lovely rats nest, but you didn’t care because you were so calm and relaxed? Yeah… replace that with “ARE WE THERE YET?” “TELL HIM TO STOP TOUCHING ME!” “HE’S LOOKING AT ME!” “UGH MOMMY I HAVE TO PEE” “I WANNA GO HOOOOOOME” and I dread getting in the car.
3. “Dead Baby” jokes
I KNOW, I know!!! I KNOW!! How awful! Just my reaction to even ADMITTING I used to giggle at these jokes is proof how much my life has changed. I was young and dumb once. REALLY dumb. These jokes make me queasy now.
I honestly can’t believe I ever even LIKED Spongebob, but it’s true. I even went TO THE THEATER as an ADULT to see the Spongebob movie. Something snapped in me once Holden got hooked on it. That infernal yellow square and his OBNOXIOUS laugh drilled into my brain, and now even one episode and my head pounds. What I’m saying is I used to be Spongebob, but I grew up into Squidward. Great.
5. Bridges, or heights of any kind
I’ve never been fond of heights, but I’ve always appreciated the view from a bridge, looking over the edge down into the water, or whatever the hell happened to be below it. Look at that view! Isn’t it beautiful? Oh hey, look! A turtle! Ducks! Algae! I always felt safe because, although I’m clumsy, I’ve never fell OVER a barrier and off of a bridge. The chances of that happening are slim to none. Nothing to worry about! My kid even steps within a FOOT of the side of a bridge, even with a 4 foot wall, and I’m shitting myself. Panicky feelings. Worry. GET THE HELL AWAY FROM THERE RIGHT NOW! Yeah… they weren’t even near it. I hate bridges. And mountains. And two story houses.
Did I mention I live in a two story house?
I have issues.
Nothing used to make me happier than a little bit of retail therapy. Browsing slowly through the aisles, sipping a mocha frappucino, not a care in the world other than if the pair of jeans I was eyeballing would give me a case of frumpy horse butt. No one wants flat frumpy horse butt. My shopping trips now would make even the biggest shopping whore break. I’d just as soon leave the house naked before attempting shopping with my two turds again. Apparently, it is absolute torture. Their legs hurt, they’re tired, they’re booooooooored, they’re hungry, they have to pee as soon as we get to the register. On the bright side, at least I’ll always have someone to very loudly point out that my cellulite is looking nice and dimply, or if that shirt really DOES make me look fat- and the answer there, according to my lovely spawn, is yes. Needless to say, I stopped trying things on over a year ago. Hmph.
Have you ever graciously offered to share your beverage with your offspring, only to have it returned, go to take a sip, and instead of a refreshing drink of whatever the fuck you were having, you get warm kid-spit? I live in fear!!!
Nothing kills a nice dip in the pool quite like the overwhelming anxiety of the possibility of a child drowning.
9. Talking on the phone
I once had the gift of gab. Now my conversations sound like “So, what are you up– cut it out! No, don’t touch him.– Sorry. Hold on.– Seriously, stop.– What are you up to today? —STOP! I said stop! Don’t make me say it again.– Oh, me? —No, you cannot lick your brother. Don’t touch him.– Ugh. Sorry. You know. Being driven insane. I gotta go. —LOOK I SAID DON’T TOUCH HIM! –*click*”
And this is why I only text these days.
I remember when… no… never mind. Dolls were never okay. KILL IT WITH FIRE!
It’s a good thing we love them so much!
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Mom life pic.twitter.com/7CaEaYM6XE
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If you can find enjoyment in arguing with a miniature human about why they have to take good care of teeth that are just going to fall out of their head anyway- you'll think parenthood is the best.
Unicorns are great and all, but my favorite mythical creatures are well-behaved children