As I awoke this morning in a foggy haze, I realized that I have awoken every morning in a foggy haze since incubating my very first crotchfruit, and not just the mornings after a night of “YAY the kids are FINALLY frickin’ asleep, let’s have a drink!” nights. I have been running on fumes for years, and some days, even the strongest pot of coffee doesn’t do much to help.
The shuffling along, slumped tired shoulders, the dark circles under the eyes, the groaning and moaning and generally bad temper… WHAT HAS BECOME OF ME? There is really only one answer: I have become a MOMBIE. Don’t worry, I don’t have a hankering for brains. All I REALLY want is a GIANT steaming mug of coffee that magically refills itself once I’ve gulped my way to the bottom. You don’t have to be concerned about being bitten, because that is not how the Mombie Apocalypse that is upon us (and has been for quite some time) is spread.
Finding out if you have been infected is really quite simple. Just answer a few simple questions:
Do your fantasies consist of 8 consecutive hours of sleep and watching your favorite tv show without hearing “MOOMMYYYYYY! I DON’T WANNA WATCH THIS! THIS IS BOOO-RIINNNGGG!” ?
Do you not quite feel human until you have had a cup of coffee? Or ten?
Do you count the minutes until bed time?
Do you have a deep-seated hatred of certain children’s cartoon characters and find yourself cursing at them when they are on as though they can actually hear you?
Does “because I said so!” sound like a reason so rock solid that it could stand up in court?
Have you ever been so exhausted by grocery shopping with your spawn, that when you got home you ordered a pizza?
Are you angered by the fact that no one ever actually tells you how to get to Sesame Street?
Do you know all the words to every kid show theme song, but can’t remember why you walked in to the living room?
If you answered yes to 2 of these, I’m sorry to say, you’re a full-blooded Mombie. Unfortunately, there is no cure, but there IS lots of booze, and that’s basically the same thing.
Get on it, oil people!! pic.twitter.com/xgXSB34uGf
The 10 Funniest Parenting Memes of the Week goo.gl/fb/zLqV6k
Husband (grating cheese): It's just so big and awkward I can't get my hand around it Me: .......... that's what she said #imthematureone
You know you're a mom when your husband sends a text asking what you need from the store & you reply "The only thing I need is sanity."
Me: Man, my toy allergy eyes are bad today Kids: What? Me: Yeah,if I see any of your crap on my floor I'll have a reaction and THROW IT AWAY
@AmericHousewife it's cute you think I'll survive to them turning that age!
Oh, you're really in for it! pic.twitter.com/xXzFxhlxRJ
Spring into Spring-a-Palooza at Great Wolf lodge! goo.gl/fb/Ey9QEb