After a successful morning thrifting last weekend, the family and I stopped to grab some lunch before continuing on. Holden sat in a booth next to me, with Parker and Thomas across the table. While we were eating, out of nowhere, Holden poked my stomach and said “Mommy, you look pregnant!” I was shocked. Holden may be a sassy-mouthed brat at times, but he is usually very cautious of others’ feelings and rarely says something so mean. At that point, I pushed my food away.
Admittedly, I have bad posture which doesn’t help how slender I may appear, but the most hurtful part was that he wasn’t wrong. Holden had pointed out something I’d been denying for a few months. I had gained a bunch of weight and the proof was in the poke. I was angry, but not just at him for saying something so rude, but because he was right; because it took me so long to admit it; because I’d let it get so far that someone else noticed it.
That wasn’t the first time he’s been brutally honest. Kids are known for having absolutely NO filter and saying whatever comes to their minds no matter where they are or who is around. A few years back, Holden told a friend of mine’s younger kid that he was being a dick. Rude as hell, but he wasn’t wrong (even the boy’s mom admitted that)! Last year Parker pointed at someone’s rear end and said, VERY LOUDLY, “Look at that BIG BUTT!” They’ve counted my wrinkles, called me on my language, pointed out pimples, told my Dad that Thomas’ nether region “looks like a GIANT FURBALL!”, and held me to my word when I was considering not keeping it. Is their sometimes mean and always brutal honesty a bad thing? Are kids beacons of truth and honesty… or are they just mean, slightly sociopathic, little assholes?
When considering such a loaded question, the saying “having children is like having my heart walk around outside my body”. Why? Well, because it’s wrong! Okay, wrong isn’t the right word. What I’m trying to say is that kids are our CONSCIENCES, people! They are our inner voice. The little devil sitting on our shoulder… and maybe the angel, too. How many times has your kid said EXACTLY what you were thinking but didn’t have the balls (or lady balls) to say? How many times have they convinced you to make the right decision? Guilted you about the wrong one? Just like a conscience, they always want you to be the best you can be, and make you feel like a walking turd when you aren’t.
I spend a lot of time wishing my little conscience would shut the hell up. The tellers of unpopular truths reside not only in my head, but came shooting out of my vagina. Thanks a lot, uterus!
While I appreciate them always making me accountable for my actions and keeping me honest and on the right path, when it comes to the truth, sometimes you just don’t want to hear it!
On the bright side, my mini-conscience, aka Holden, ruined food for me and I’ve lost 2 pounds this week! As far as whether that makes him a beacon of truth or an asshole? Well… the jury is still out on that one, but I think we all know which way I’m leaning!
I've never had a near death experience, but I DID find 2 spiders in my house this morning, and that's pretty much the same thing.
If you like to be constantly criticized over your peanut butter to jelly ratio on sandwiches, being a parent is definitely for you.
It's called "Mom Tax" and it applies to ALL SWEETS OBTAINED BY CHILDREN pic.twitter.com/VExGwIOdBn
Live now on Twitch! Come hang out! twitch.tv/holdinholden
How I Unwind the Kids During Summertime goo.gl/fb/bqcdoV
Kid: When do I get the tablet back? Me: Thursday aftern--- Kid: *Yelling* I'LL NEVER GET IT BACK! Me: Okay, I guess never, then. #kidlogic
Being an adult is stupid. pic.twitter.com/ghkAP7UbIt
Me watching #AmericanNinjaWarrior: HAHA weak ass grip strength! Also me: Can't open a pickle jar.