Now that Faceturd is slowly yanking me out of all of your newsfeeds, these Holdenism/Parkerism blogs have become even more important to keep up with! They are where you’ll find all the best statuses full of childhood assholishness and accidental hilarity that you may have missed! These are my favorite kinds of blogs to put together… and not just because I’ll be able to use them as blackmail material when the boys get older.
They may be getting sassier with age, but they’re also getting funnier. I hope you enjoy my favorite Holdenisms & Parkerisms from the past few months!
Typical breakfast conversation:
Me: (to Parker) You’re not chewing on anything! You’ve got a bunch of food left on your plate. Speed it up!
Parker: I don’t want any more eggs- they make my farts stinky…LIKE DADDY’S!
Me: *falls out of chair*
Freezing weather was starting to affect everyone’s moods around here; little did I know that it hit Parker the hardest. One of these extremely cold days after braving the outdoors to pick up his older brother, Parker had HAD IT! That was very clear the moment we got home and he asked “Do you know that song *sings* ‘It’s the most wonderful time of the yeaaaaaar’?” And without waiting for any kind of answer, he angrily yelled “Well it’s COLD! BRR!”
Reason #5,748 that children don’t make any damn sense:
Parker sat on the couch and watched silently as I cleaned up the living room. Only once I was completely done did he say “But I wanted to do that!” and threw a huge fucking fit because I didn’t “let” him help.
I’m pretty sure this is a valid excuse to never do housework EVER AGAIN and blame it on the children.
Parker was climbing all over Thomas and Thomas was like “dude, can you not?” and Parker goes “what are you gonna do?” and I just about died.
One day when I picked Holden up from school, he was whining about how “heavy” his bookbag is so I gleefully broke it to him that we had in fact walked to pick him up and would have to walk all the way home. At that point, Holden threw his hands up in exasperation and Parker just LOST it. DYING laughing. Everyone around him starts laughing because they thought it was so cute that this squishy little kid find’s his older brother’s misfortune hysterical, and then he abruptly stops laughing and with the straightest face says “I just farted” and walks away. And THAT is how the other parents at school finally learned what my life is really like.
Every Tuesday night, my Dad comes over. On one particular Tuesday night, I was scolding him for not watching my TV segment and Holden walked into the room and said “Yeah, your little daughter is all grown up and on TV now!” and pats him on the shoulder. My Dad was speechless. That kid thinks he’s 30. It’s terrifying.
For some reason, over dinner with my Dad one night, the boys started a conversation about body hair. Ohhhhh yes. They did.
Holden: I have hair on my arms!
Me: One day, you’ll probably have hair in your butt-crack
Kids: *scream laughing*
Holden: (to my dad) You should see my Daddy’s PECKER! It looks like a GIANT FURBALL!
My Dad: …That was too much information.
Me: *falls out of chair*
Early one morning, Holden threw a MASSIVE fit this morning, stomped upstairs, and slammed his door. When he finally came back down 20 minutes later, Parkerimmediately looked at him and said “So, are you gonna stop being a big fat baby now?” and without thinking I yelled “BUUUUUUUURRRRRRNNNNN!” and then nearly died laughing.
Holden was so mad he stomped right back up the stairs. He didn’t come back down for a LONG time. I am a bad influence.
Parker: Daddy, what’s a mayonnaise?
Thomas: Wha? A mayonnaise?
Parker: Did you say mayonnaise?
Thomas: No…you did. I don’t understand what you’re talking about…
Parker: Mayonnaise!!! Like mayonnaise, mayonnaise, I’m going down!
Mayday. He meant MAYDAY!!
A few months ago, me and Parker were waiting for Holden to get out of class, and we were sitting near a cute little girl about his age so I told him to say hello. Instead, he started doing this weird clenchy grunt face and his whole body stiffened up so, naturally, I asked him if he was trying to fart and he says “No, Mommy. I’m flexing my muscles!”
And so it began.
Reason #5987259 I believe having children only makes you dumber: Kids tell jokes like this-
Parker: Knock knock!
Me: Who’s there?
Me: Panda who?
Parker: I meant chihuahua
Me: Okay, chihuahua who?
Parker: Chihuahua who didn’t wear any underwear at night!
Parker: *grinning like he told the funniest joke ever*
Some days, it seems like the boys fight NONSTOP. NON-FUCKING-STOP! One day, Holden claimed that Parker could not count to 20 and was just going on and on about how the kid can’t do math, so what did Parker do? He counted to 30 and ended it with a “BOOM!”
If there were a mic, the kid would have dropped it and walked away.
Parker: 1, Holden: -500
Thomas was in charge of bath time last night, so while he dealt with the boys, I put away clean laundry, and that is when I overheard the following:
Thomas: (talking about how he had to take the lunch the Eldest forgot to his classroom that morning) Were all your classmates asking who that guy was in the suit?
Holden: Yeah they were ALL wondering
Holden: Yeah! They also wanted to know why you had such a BIG BUTT!
Thomas didn’t find that half as hilarious as I did. I know that because of how angrily he told me to shut up through the bathroom door as I was cackling hysterically. Man. I love kids. Especially when their a-holishness isn’t directed at me!
While walking to get Holden from school-
Parker: *chasing after a bird* Mommy! Why won’t the bird land on my hand? I just want to tell them to live in our My Spy Birdhouse!
Me: You’re not a Disney Princess, honey. Wild animals are scared of humans in real life
It’s a tough lesson to learn, but we all must learn it: Life isn’t always like a Disney movie. BUT IT SHOULD BE!
“Mommy- are you peeing out of your butt?”– Parker
Ahhh, the wonderful and mortifying curiosity of a 4 year old.
‘Til next time! I hope these made you giggle!
I've never had a near death experience, but I DID find 2 spiders in my house this morning, and that's pretty much the same thing.
If you like to be constantly criticized over your peanut butter to jelly ratio on sandwiches, being a parent is definitely for you.
It's called "Mom Tax" and it applies to ALL SWEETS OBTAINED BY CHILDREN pic.twitter.com/VExGwIOdBn
Live now on Twitch! Come hang out! twitch.tv/holdinholden
How I Unwind the Kids During Summertime goo.gl/fb/bqcdoV
Kid: When do I get the tablet back? Me: Thursday aftern--- Kid: *Yelling* I'LL NEVER GET IT BACK! Me: Okay, I guess never, then. #kidlogic
Being an adult is stupid. pic.twitter.com/ghkAP7UbIt
Me watching #AmericanNinjaWarrior: HAHA weak ass grip strength! Also me: Can't open a pickle jar.