Last year, I posted a blog containing 5 easy ways to prank your kids without scarring them for life. Well, it’s time again- and I’ve got those and some NEW pranks to successfully troll your kids with this April Fools Day! (insert evil laugh here)
Brace yourselves- it is coming. With that arrives the multitude of friends posting pictures of pregnancy tests when they aren’t pregnant, companies that serve a 3,000 calorie burger claiming the be releasing a turkey burger and causing public upheaval- and many rumored celebrity deaths. None of those kinds of pranks are really kid appropriate, though
When I was in the first or second grade, I was sitting in school with all of my little classmates when one of their moms walked into the room. This wasn’t completely unusual, but our teacher stopped the whole class and told us there was an announcement to make. That is when they dropped the bomb. Let’s just call this kid Jake, although to be honest, it was so long ago I can’t remember if it was a boy or a girl. With huge grins on their face, the teacher announced “Jake’s mom won the lottery and is taking all of you to DISNEY WORLD!”
Cue absolute mayhem. Screaming and crying and clapping and jumping and things being tossed in the air out of absolute glee. This went on for a solid 3 minutes until we began to calm a little and we heard them yell in unison “APRIL FOOLS!”
We all stopped in our tracks. April Fools? What is April Fools? I’ve heard of this but it isn’t registering. You mean…. You mean we’re NOT going to Disney? There were about 20 heartbroken little turds that day, me being one of them. I didn’t have much in my little life to be mad about- but I was LIVID. Why would you joke with a 6-7 year old like that? WHY??? THAT’S SO MEAN!!!!
It’s not that I think pranking little kids is wrong- I just think a prank of that level is downright cruel to pull on a little one. If you’re going to pull an April Fools day prank on derpy kids- you need to make sure it is suited for them. You especially need to make sure it isn’t going to scar them for life.
I’m still pissed about Disney.
I AM HERE TO HELP! I have compiled a list of pranks approved (By me. Because I’m so trustworthy and knowledgeable and everything) for your wee ones that won’t leave them with a complex in need of intensive therapy as an adult. These won’t be your boring old cheesy run of the mill “dye their milk blue! herrr herrrrr!” pranks- these are real pranks- y’know, so we can feel like normal functioning assholish adults again.
1. MMMMMM Mayo donuts!
One of the easiest ways to trick little kids is with food. Silly miniature humans are just so gullible! Plus their senses of smell would never outweigh their trust of dear old mom and dad!
Wake those suckers up on April first and claim to have brought home a box of DELICIOUS cream filled donuts. Only….
Be sure to have your camera handy- because I would put money on that the reaction they have is worth America’s Funniest Home Videos GOLD. Don’t quote me on that- but I’d watch it and laugh.
2. The ol’ saran-wrapped toilet trick
It’s really quite simple. Take Saran Wrap. Lift lid of toilet. Proceed to cover the pot- making sure to pull the sheet of wrap long enough to tuck underneath the toilet so that it will not be detected.
Do a better job than this, of course.
Now, you may be thinking- why would I EVER want to do a thing like this? Who’s going to be the one to clean it up? Lookie here, folks. You’re going to have to clean up mysteriously spackled kid pee from all corners of the bathroom anyway- why not make it absolutely hilarious instead of disturbing and disgusting??
Ohhhh I can just see those confused little faces now “BUT BUT BUT, I LIFTED THE SEAT UP!”
Snort. And then make THEM clean it up. Oh yes.
3. These. Because holy shit, you have to:
4. Bed Bugs
Fill their bed with fake bugs for them to discover when they least expect it. I say bugs and NOT arachnids or reptiles because if you do it with a snake or a spider- you are likely to leave deep mental scars. Yes, I would know. So bugs!
You KNOW they are eventually going to do this shit to you. Why not beat them to the punch??
5. Undrinkable Juice
Super simple, and guaranteed to make the little ones laugh! All you have to do is boil up some jello, put it into juice glasses (or cups, or mugs, whatever) and put them in the fridge to cool. The most challenging part is keeping the turds out of the fridge so they don’t find the cups before they set. Once they do, offer them to your kid/s. Bottoms up! Or…. not….
6. Toothpaste Oreos
What kid can resist an oreo cookie? I have yet to meet one that can!
Scrape the filling out of an entire package of Oreos (and then eat that shit! yum!) and replace it with white toothpaste. Re-seal the package (they make that easy these days, score!) and sit back and wait for the magic to happen. Oreos get teeth DIRTY, at least you’re cleaning them at the same time!
Tip: You may want to freeze the toothpaste Oreos overnight so they aren’t gooping all over the place
8. Spare change
If your kids are anything like mine, or like a pack rat, they are attracted to anything shiny. I swear my two find spare change EVERYWHERE, and I never even noticed it. Picking up a penny from the sidewalk makes them happier than a pig in shit.
For this prank, all you’ll need is some spare change and some glue. Adhere a few pennies, nickles, and dimes (one of each will do) and glue them to your front walk, right where your kids are SURE to find them, and then laugh hysterically when they’re shrieking that they can’t pick them up.
9. Pound Cake Grilled Cheese
This is probably the most delicious prank you could ever pull on anyone, and one of my favorites. Offer to make the kids grilled cheese sandwiches, and instead, hand them pound cake with icing in the middle!
It really looks like a grilled cheese, doesn’t it? The looks on their faces when they take their first bite will be priceless!
10. Freaky ass face mask
Many women see the green face mask as one of the ultimate signs of relaxation.
What about your little one? Have they ever seen you while using a mask on your face? I remember the first time I EVER saw my mom with one- and it was in the peeling stages and I started SHRIEKING
WHAT IS THIS?? WHO IS THAT?? WHAT IS HAPPENING TO MY MOMMY? She lumbered after me and told me she was sick and her skin was peeling off. I couldn’t look at her for an entire day after that.
Hey, moms! Terrify your children while pampering your skin and then get the silent treatment- WIN/WIN/WIN!
I still remember this as the best prank she ever pulled.
Honestly- I had to stop at 10 pranks or I’d be tempted to tell you to saran wrap their doorway while they sleep and then sit outside of their room and wait for hilarity to ensue- because NOTHING is funnier than a saran-wrapped doorway and a mushed face, or to dye the toilet water red and tell them you[‘re bleeding from your butt… but I think those may be taking it a liiiiiiittle far. Non-scarring pranks are the way to go. At least we won’t be paying for therapy bills later, and will have laughed enough not to go completely insane and look like freaky chick in prank #5 only with no mask needed.
Just in case you’re not satisfied, here are some that ALMOST made my list:
– carefully insert gummy worms into apples, give them to the family for lunch or a snack!
– Tie a dollar to a string. Let your kid chase it like a big ol’ derp
– Wake up school-aged kids on a Saturday morning insisting they are late for school. Wait until they are dressed and downstairs and see everyone else in pajamas to tell them the truth.
-put uncooked pasta under the toilet seat. The next person to sit down will CRAP at the crackling sound. (pop-its also work if you can get your hands on some)
The “Are You Ready to Have Kids?” Checklist of Doom goo.gl/fb/DTPJ1A
If anyone asks how I died, you can just go ahead and tell them "she was lured in by free pie in exchange for listening to 2nd graders screech Thanksgiving songs for 30 minutes"
Half-Assed Jingler Syndrome goo.gl/fb/McWfBy
@ItsEvieClaire Booze and tears
I'm not saying this is the perfect #Christmas gift for all the parents in your life, but.... okay, yeah I am. That's exactly what I'm saying. Truths from the bowels of parenthood! amazon.com/Kids-Are-Turds…
@Gofashiondeals All of that and more. Good times. Gooooood times