I’m dating my kids

No, that is not the faint sound of banjos playing in the distance that you hear. This isn’t dategoing to turn into some weird slasher film with mutant  flesh-eating hillbillies. There is no impending doom. The authorities need not be alerted. No one’s going to die! The title of this blog is quite true, though. I’m dating my kids. And I suggest you date yours, too!

The boys are good kids. Sometimes I’m not sure if I say that because it’s true, or if I’m just trying to convince myself that it is- but they are! Usually. Like any kid, though, they have their moments. Many of those moments are in public. I don’t know what it is about civilization that makes them act like assholes; it’s always a dangerous combination.

On the weekends when Thomas is off of work, we always try to get out and stay out of the house because we swear to shit if we have to stay confined to a small space with the kids for any longer that we are literally going to explode. They go fucking crazy. Is it the addition of their father who they don’t see during the day time on the weekdays? Do they get invaded by pod people; asshole pod people?? Is there some kind of strange energy that bounces around households on the weekends? I wish I knew, but I don’t. All that I do know is come 10am on Saturday morning I am dying to get the hell out of this house and waste some of the boys’ evil energy by running errands and walking them around somewhere until they’re whining that their legs are tired… which only takes a few minutes because they’re big fat babies. Then I regret going out because now I have two kids who swear to cheezus that their legs are broken and 4 more places I have to go.  Then I come home and they go back to acting batshit crazy and I want to go out again… but then I think about going out and I’m like- no way. I’m not putting myself through that again!

It’s a vicious fucking circle, people.

Although I’d known for a while that Thomas would be going out of town this past Saturday, it sneaked up on me. A whole day alone with the boys. One might think it’s no big deal; I’m a stay at home mom with a husband who works an hour away (in decent traffic)- so I’m with the boys all the damn time anyway. This was different. I guess because it was a day that Thomas is always home, and now he wouldn’t be, and I’d be alone with the boys on a day where I’m usually clawing at the walls to get out- and if I wanted to do that, it would have to be alone. Oh lord, and what about DINNER time? We battle during dinner time and now it’s just me against them??? Gahhhh.

pitaI have to admit- I avoid going out with the boys alone unless I absolutely have to. They are a lot to handle, and while I never like to use my back issues as any kind of excuse- psychotic bratty kids make my pain flare up. Even if I had no pain problems, I bet you some kind of pain would flare up… just maybe in my ASS instead of my back. Why put myself through that by choice??

There was no way I could spend a Saturday trapped in this house with those two crazies, though; NO WAY!

That’s when the thought dawned on me. We’ll go on a date! A DATE! Dinner and a movie! We’ll pig out on popcorn and candy and then stuff our faces with pizza. I’ll pretend for a few hours that I have the metabolism of a 15 year old boy. I haven’t been wined and dined by a handsome young man in a LONG long time; I now have two of those who think I’m the best shit in the world! It’s perfect! I used to take Holden out alone right after Parker was born to give him a little “only child again!” time, but it had been a long while since we’d done anything like that. Mostly because of attitude. Shit! What about their attitudes? Would they fight? Scream? Ruin the movie? Dump popcorn over my head?

I hyped up our mommy-son date for days, and when the time finally came…. we had a blast! No fighting, no screaming, no arguing, no interrupting. Just a lot of laughing, eating, and bonding time. The only crying came from my stomach. There is such a thing as TOO MUCH of a good thing.

Date your kids! Take their asses out to dinner and a movie, and not just for the 2 hours of silence that comes along with the theater… though I’d be lying if I said that wasn’t a perk.

Will there be a second date? Unlike my ACTUAL dating days where I applied to “Oh, sorry, I must have missed your call!” tactic, I can say with absolute certainty that after my first date with these boys, there will be many more!

Posted on February 10, 2014 by Holdin' Holden 2 Comments
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