From the month of November until around the middle of March, I am what some might call a “sour puss”. That’s right, I’m a winter hater. I thank the stars every day that my parents never moved to the north. I would not survive. I am not built for it. It makes me unhappy, and being unhappy makes me angry, and being angry makes me cranky- and there’s just no fun in ANY of that.
Many people say “well I’d rather bundle up than sweat!”– and it doesn’t make sense to a winter hater like me. If I’m sweating, I can just go plop my ass into a tub of cold water; YAY SWIMMING! If I’m cold, I can put on a bajillion fucking layers, look like the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man, and still be so cold that my ears hurt and snot is running from my nose. There is nothing cute about that.
It’s not just the family that dislikes my seasonal grumpiness; the cold has the tendency to make me so Scroogish that I start annoying myself. That’s pretty frickin’ annoying. Something had to give!
Optimism has the tendency to annoy me (sometimes you don’t wanna see the bright side, damnit!)- but there are times in life where the only option is to stand back and try to see the picture in a different- and BETTER- way.
What the hell could be good about a season that causes sick disgusting little outbreak monkey children, boogercicles, icy roads, and frozen finger tips?
A surprise even to me, I actually came up with a few ways winter-time is pretty darn spectacular. For all you fellow cold weather sour-pusses out there, these are for you!
1. You don’t have to take the kids outside to play!
My kids go fucking NUTS when I let them loose in the back yard, and they’re both too young for me to let them go out alone- so taking them out is something I don’t exactly enjoy. There’s nothing like frigid temperatures to make outdoor play impossible! On the flip side, keeping them inside 24/7 is pretty maddening itself… but we’re trying to see the silver lining here!
2. You can “forget” to move your clothes from the washer to the dryer without having to worry about mildew!
Laundry: the bane of my existence. I never knew I could do so many loads in one week, and then I had kids. I swear they’re breeding; I don’t know where it all comes from! It gets to a point where I just get tired of doing it, so I don’t. OOPS!
Around here, many homes have the washer/dryer hook ups in the garage. Ours is one of those. It’s COLD out there, people. REALLY COLD. During the summer when I conveniently “forget” about the load of clothes in the washer, mildew is quick to set in, forcing me to do it all over again. Talk about infuriating. With the freezing temps? That doesn’t happen. Frozen clothes. Mildew free. Hooray! Thank you, winter!
3. The kids don’t smell as bad!
Boy or girl, big or small, it doesn’t seem to make a difference; kids STINK. Maybe it’s the extra folds that trap sweat and milk (BARF), or the fact that they refuse to learn how to properly wipe their own asses, but by the end of the day, they all have a funk. This is only made worse by warm temperatures and excess bodily fluids. Barf. At least when it’s cold, there isn’t as much of a chance that their stench will fester.
Look, I love the 4th of July and its tradition of nomming hot dogs and day drinking, but it’s got nothin’ on the pumpkin filled month of October, Thanksgiving Dinner, or Christmas treats. NOTHIN’!!!
5. No shave No-de-ja-feb-ember!
I’m not saying I have the legs of a caveman right now, and the 70’s won’t be calling asking for their bushy pits back, but I’m just sayin’… who the hell’s gonna notice if you miss a day of shaving your legs?
That doesn’t sound so bad, does it? If you’re still not convinced you can survive this weird jet stream junk going on and freezing us all- just think of it this way:
It’s the perfect excuse to veg out on the couch and do nothing but watch Disney movies. There’s no “Oh, but it’s such a nice day out. I’d hate to waste it by doing nothing!”
No guilt at all! What could be better than that? NOTHING!!
We can do it, y’all; we can survive this winter! Screw that stupid groundhog and his stupid group of dudes in top hats that say it will be 6 more weeks. Soon enough we’ll be wearing sandals and sweating and bitching about the heat.
Did you know that toothpaste becomes stronger than concrete if left on surfaces for too long? I didn't either. Thanks, kids!
Y'all can keep your creepy little elves- my kids live in fear of the PRESENT PRISON. holdinholden.com/2014/12/the-…
Cut Yourself some Christmas Slack goo.gl/fb/4WVJe2
My day as a parent isn't complete until I've threatened to sell at least one of my children on the black market. Twice. At least.
He only has himself to blame pic.twitter.com/UffL59jSmz
I'm forever teaching my kids to never say never... but... I'm breaking my own rules, here. NEVER EVER EVER will there be an elf on my shelf. Here's why: holdinholden.com/2012/11/why-…
If you have the desire to be in charge of someone else's bedtime who listens to you even less than you listen to yourself when you say "GO TO SLEEP ALREADY!"- having kids is definitely for you.