At this point in my life, there’s not much left that makes me blush. I’m not going to sit here and whine about how old I am, I’m not even 30 yet (soon, ugh)! I’m just weird, shameless, and find embarrassing things hilarious; especially when they happen to me. Maybe not right away, but give it an hour or two and I’m giggling like a little kid on Sex Ed. day.
There is still one thing, though; one thing that no matter how many shits I have stopped giving about what other people think, I cannot do in front of other people. Except my kids. They came exploding out of my vag, they can handle pretty much anything I do, and if they can’t- THAT’S TOO BAD!
That thing is…. farting. Don’t you judge me! I don’t care if it’s natural! We all have at LEAST one thing that embarrasses us (even if only slightly) and mine is farting. It doesn’t make much sense to me, seeing as how half of the posts here contain some kind of poop or fart story- but it’s the worst. Join the Witness Protection Program and move far away kind of embarrassing. I can talk about poop over dinner, but if I have to fart? You best believe I’m squeaking that bitch out and praying no one smells it. I don’t care how long I’ve known you- chances are you will NEVER hear me fart. If I do, I’ll blame the kids. Or the dogs. Or the mouse with squeaky tennis shoes that just ran by. Or a barking spider. Oh, they exist. Don’t question it!
Most men have no problem with letting one rip no matter where they are; my husband and children included. The dinner table included. Barf included. Men will never understand the horror that is going into a public restroom, sitting down to take a pee, and having a loud airy fart escape first. You can’t stop it! You have no idea that it’s coming, so you can’t arm your anus. It’s too late.
FFFFFFPPPP. FP FP FPPPP. PUHHH!
Why is it always MORE than one? Why is there so much air in our asses? And don’t even THINK about answering that with anything inappropriate!
Even though I am well aware that all women do this on occasion, that doesn’t stop it from being slightly mortifying. Especially when it’s loud and ejects from your ass like a machine gun. It’s like your butt is trying out for American Idol and has too much vibrato.
We don’t need you to sing our pee a song to lure it out, butthole! Truly, we don’t!
Usually I am the one with the semi-automatic ass. The horror! When my family went out to dinner the other night- I got lucky.
We sat down for dinner at a small locally owned Greek/Italian restaurant, and of course, as soon as the food came, suddenly Holden decided he needed to pee. Even though it likely would have been safe, I never let the kid go into any kind of public restroom alone- so off we went to the women’s room. Yes, I still take my 6 year old in women’s bathrooms; better safe than sorry! Right behind us came a little old lady, hobbling along with a walker. I held the door open for her and Holden, and they each filed into a stall.
A few seconds later, fireworks went off. Ass fireworks. A series of FPPPPP and PUHHHHs, with a couple of BRRRAP’s thrown in for good measure. Only NOT FROM ME. I was standing by the sinks! And not from Holden; I recognize the womanly pre-pee fart anywhere. Little old lady just gave us a show only matched by the 4th of July. My eyes widened and I slapped my hand over my mouth to keep from laughing, but.. hold on… Holden was in the stall next to her and has this thing where he says whatever the hell he wants and doesn’t care about feelings and I’m thinking- holy crap- he’s going to scald an elderly woman with a cane for farting. Usually I’m in the stall with him and I can shush him, because being fart-shamed by a stranger is not an experience I recommend (as he’s done it to me and MANY others MANY times)- but there was nothing I could do! THIS LADY IS GOING TO KEEL OVER IF HE FART-SHAMES HER!
And then… he came out of the stall silently, washed his hands, and never spoke of it again. WHAT?! The humiliation is saved just for me? HMPH! He may have forgotten about it as soon as it happened, but I, on the other hand, got back to the table and snorted myself nearly to death.
I learned a few things from that experience.
1. No matter how wobbly an old lady is, she can still blow ass louder than anyone.
2. Kids enjoy fart shaming their parents more than other adults. Both are horribly embarrassing.
3. Have you ever noticed that sometimes the highlight of your day is watching someone else bust their ass, or bust ass?
4. Or did she even care? I mean, when you’re that old- do you really care if people hear you fart as loud as a bullhorn?
5. Being old is awesome. You can get away with anything.
#VoiceSaveEvan because DUH. That is all.
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